Wed. Dec. 31, 2014

I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write.  I'm doing much, much better emotionally.  I am beginning to mentally move on from this.  I still have my list of questions--and I'm adding more questions all the time--but I'm feeling less shook up about it all the time.  I hope I'm able to move on without forgetting the lessons I learned.

I had a wonderful Christmas.  Since I had most of my shopping done before Thanksgiving, I was really able to focus on the Savior this year.  I have had time to think about Him as I ran around doing the things I needed to do---the miraculous birth, His life and example.  His atoning sacrifice, and the enormity of the impact on all of us.  His death and miraculous Resurrection.  I have really been able to ponder it all.  It has made a wonderful Christmas Season.

I have spent a lot of time with family, playing games, etc.  It has been SO BUSY, but so fun.  I always enjoy the time with my family, but this year was better because I felt like I have been given a second chance at life.  I am deeply grateful.

Also, this year, more than any other I've ever had, I have been anxious to put 2014 behind me.  We usually don't make a huge deal about the New Year, and we really haven't this year either.  But for the first time in my life, I found myself wanting to take the Christmas decorations down and look forward to the New Year.  Mentally, it feels like a new start---another chance.  I think starting a new year is going to be a big thing for me mentally--I'm looking forward to it.

Don't get me wrong---I wasn't trying to push the Savior out of my life by taking down the decorations.  (When I say that, I mean that there is religious symbolism embedded in even the most common of our decorations and traditions.)   I'm not trying to "get over with Christmas and shove the Savior out"--I'm taking the Savior with me into the New Year.  But it is so good for me mentally to be able to have a new beginning.

I end this year so very grateful for my blessings.  I'm thankful for life, for family, for the good health we all have (there are so many other things that COULD go wrong with all our bodies--hope they don't), for my husband's job and resulting financial security, for my ability to stay home with my children so I can attempt to be an influence for good for them, for freedom and peace, for my testimony, for the gospel, for all the material possessions and conveniences that are not necessary to sustain life, but that make life so much easier.  I have been truly blessed, and for all these things I am thankful.  I know future challenges will come, but I'm not spending time focusing on that right now.  I am allowing my mind and heart to heal as long as I can, and I'm hoping to take the lessons I have learned with me so that when future challenges DO come, I will be able to meet them with courage and faith.

Tues. Dec. 23, 2014

I am feeling so much better about things, for a couple of reasons.  First, I have had more time to digest the information about my treatment plan; I've had time to think about it.  I've had time to talk about it---it sounds weird, but somehow talking about it out loud to someone seems to be like hitting a "reset" button in my head, and it helps me to make sense of things and work through them.

I was already feeling a lot better about things, and then on Saturday, we went to the temple. Long story shorter, we went with my husband's family.  His mother is not well, and several of the family members were able to come to be with her in the temple for probably the last time.  It was an absolutely beautiful, spiritual experience that I will treasure always.  But when I left, I understood more of the purpose of trials, and I was reminded (again) that Heavenly Father is in charge.  Of course, I already knew this in my head, but I was just having trouble letting go of the fear.  But that experience changed that, and I'm at peace now.  It feels great!

I go back to the radiation oncologist today--will ask the questions I have for him.  Then my long list of questions for the other oncologist when I go back to him in a few weeks.

Merry Christmas, everyone!  I'm so thankful for my Savior; He has carried me this year.

Thurs. Dec. 18, 2014

I just figured something out!  The last few days I have remembered the Priesthood blessings I have been given and the things I've been told.  I have found myself wondering why I am feeling discouraged and afraid, and why faith is coming so hard.  I just now figured out what the problem is . . . it's that I'm afraid it's [the idea that the cancer could just not come back] too good to be true!  That is getting in the way of my faith, because I'm afraid to believe.  So, now that I've figured out where the problem is, I know what to work on.  This may seem little, but to me it's huge.  Now I know what to do, and how to begin working on my faith!

I will still ask the Dr. all my questions---I need to feel good about what we're doing, and I need to understand the rationale for the treatment plan.  But, oh, wow!  Things are going to be looking up!  :-)

Tuesday, Dec. 16th, 2014

One thing that's interesting about my current state of emotional wreck-ish-ness.  My circumstances haven't changed at all . . . I have just as much chance of staying cancer-free now as I did before I went to the Dr. to find out the next stages of my treatment plan.  The only thing that has changed is the knowledge I have that there won't be a "second chance" at catching the cancer early.  If it comes back, it will be in my lung and will be terminal.  That feels like a death sentence, before anything has even happened!

I think another thing that makes this hard is that I can't DO anything.  All this time, we've been doing something.  I was preparing for surgery.  Then I was recovering from surgery and preparing for chemo #1.  Repeat 6 times.  Then preparing for radiation.  And now, waiting.  And hoping.  I feel so helpless.

Today went better, though.  I am starting to accept it more, and today I sat down and wrote a huge old list of questions to ask the Dr. on my visit in January.  I could call, but I think I would rather wait and try to work out all the questions and confusion in my head, and then go ask him when I've had time to get my head around it all.  Today I felt "blue" less of the day--I think it's just going to take some time.

There are a few other things I can do.  I need to focus on those.  I can take my medication faithfully, every day.  I can pray (and I am!)  I can ask all my questions, and let the Dr. know how I'm feeling about it all.  I can remind myself (and I have done so several times a day) that Heavenly Father knows me and my family, and He's aware of our needs.  I am practicing, still, having faith and trusting Heavenly Father.  I obviously don't have it mastered yet.  But I'm working on it, again.  I can choose to look for the blessings.  I need to do that; I'm sure there are many that I have missed the last few days when I've been so shell-shocked and freaked out.  I'll watch, and I'm sure I'll see something!

One of the things that this is whole experience is teaching me is to really remember and be grateful for my Savior on a whole new level.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Christmas!  I love everything about it!  I am way too commercial, truthfully.  But I also love my Savior and do several things during the season to remember Him every year.  This year, I have been more aware though, so I have really felt the spiritual side of the season.  I am very grateful for His life, Atonement, and Resurrection.  Even though I enjoy the "fluff" I know the real reason for the season, and I'm so thankful for it.

Gotta run and put some kiddos to bed.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2014

I'm a mess.  Really.  Just when I thought I had this whole "have faith and trust in the Lord" thing figured out, I realize I don't.  Not even.

I've been on anti-estrogen medication since Friday.  I don't know how much of my current emotional wreck-ish-ness is due to the medication, and how much is due to the fact that I am still really struggling with the idea that if it comes back, it's terminal.  I have a lot more questions that I need to ask the Dr., but I also think I need a little more time to absorb the information and just get my head wrapped around it.

Remember how I read the article that talks about depression as a survivor?  I didn't understand why someone might feel depression . . . they had just beat it, right?  Now I think I'm beginning to understand.  There is such a huge fear that it might come back, and the idea that it can't be "caught early" if it returns lends a finality to this whole thing that is terrifying.  I'm trying to approach the situation with faith and courage, but I'm feeling terrified and sad.  I'm sure the medication is playing a part as well.

In some ways, I find myself wondering why I'm such a wreck.  It will only be terminal IF it comes back.  But it hasn't (I guess.)  So, in some ways I wonder if I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse.  On the other hand, I'm finding the idea of trying to live each day, knowing that any day that it could come back and be terminal very, very unsettling.  It's a mental thing.

Yesterday, I was sitting in church.  And every so often, I felt a pang of something that hurt shooting through my chest, in different areas at different times.  It wasn't excruciating or anything.  But I found myself wondering, "How do I know which pains to worry about and which ones are from the radiation, or just more soreness from the surgery?"  (The scars are still tender.)

Last night I asked my dad and my husband for another blessing.  I didn't learn anything new or earth-shattering, but I was reminded of things I already knew and that brought me comfort.  I need to just go forward, trying to get on with life and trying to figure out what's normal.  My mom said "You need to just assume you are cancer-free until you hear otherwise."  So, that's the goal.  That's what I have to shoot for.  I think it's going to take some time before I am really able to get my head wrapped around it all, and it's definitely going to take a lot of prayers.  I'm working on that, and hoping that things will smooth out a bit.  Hopefully yesterday was the lowest point I hit.

Friday, December 12, 2014

I've been going to write a few things down here all week, but haven't had time.  My little man changed all that . . . he woke up all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5:15 a.m., and there was no more sleeping after that.  So, I think I'll hurry and tell my story and then go exercise, and get going on my day.

First, I got a surprise on Monday!  My sister had called and told me that something for my mom and dad's Christmas was going to be delivered to my house, and I needed to be home to sign for it.  She wouldn't give me more information than that, just told me I would understand later.  When I told her that I had a kid to pick up from Scouts, she told me the homeowner needed to be there, and to see if I could make other arrangements.  So then on Monday, she called and told me that my dad was going to drop my mom off at my house on his way to Physical Therapy so she could be here when it was delivered.  (He had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago.)  My mom came to hang out at my house.  That NEVER happens, but my sister had told me it was going to happen, so I didn't think much of it.  My living room was a huge mess because we had been gradually putting up Christmas decorations.  I had boxes EVERYWHERE!  My mom (who is not a neat freak) casually started picking up boxes and taking them in the other room.  She folded the blankets that the kids had left on the floor.  I noticed, and asked her why my messy house was bothering her.  She said, "Oh, I guess I'm just weird."  Ok, that was unusual, but I still didn't put the pieces together.  My dad came back from PT, and just about a minute later there was a knock on the door.  So I went to answer it, and got a huge surprise.  My kid's orthodontist was standing on the doorstep.  I must add here that his office is 1 1/2 hr. away from here, so I was definitely surprised.  I still didn't get it.  I said, "Oh, hi!"  He said, "I'm lost."  I said, "Ok, whatcha looking for?"  He said, "You."  (Huh????  I was so confused.)  I said, "Well, you found me!"  He said "Come out here for a minute."  So, I went outside (kid and dog following, making a racket to just add to the confusion of the moment.)  A lady got out of his car, and he introduced me to her--his wife.  Then he told me that every year their office picks a patient to do something nice for at Christmas, and this year they picked us.  They all pitch in and shop, so he had "a few things for me."  So, he started pulling things out of the car.  There was a bag with food for Christmas dinner, a turkey, a HUGE wrapped box that he said has presents for everyone in our family, and a wrapped basket that looks like candy.  :-)  I couldn't figure out how he had found my house (I only gave them my PO Box.)  I knew that my sister and one of his staff go to the same gym; that's how they did it.  They have been working on this since the beginning of November, and she gave them information to help them know what kinds of things we would like.  A side note . . . I don't think he knows this, but one of my other sisters takes her kids to him, too.  I thought it was so nice of them to think of me.  I think when someone does something nice like that for you, it's so important to take it in the spirit it was given in . . . love.  That was so sweet.  I have a few pictures of the stuff:

Next thing to write about . . . Remember the lady I mentioned previously . . . my friend Cindy that I ran into a week after my last chemo?  At that time, the cancer had spread to her brain, and they were sending her in THAT DAY to set up radiation.  She was not doing well at all, and I thought to myself, "She only has a few weeks left, at most."  I hoped maybe I would run into her at radiation, but I never did.  I found out that she passed away not long after that day in September when I saw her.  Probably only a few days later.  That's why I never ran into her at radiation.  I am so sorry for her family---she left behind a husband and 14-year old daughter, and an older daughter as well.  This is what I hope DOESN'T happen to me.  And I'm so very sorry it happened to them.  She had a funny sense of humor, and she fought the cancer hard.  I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore, and hope her family is doing well.

So, now for the unnerving part . . . I found out my future treatment plan.  I don't love it.  I had hoped there would be some way we could monitor me to make sure the cancer wasn't coming back.  But the Dr. told me that scans just add a lot of extra radiation.  He said if it comes back, it will be in the lung, so I need to keep an eye out for unexplained pain in my lung, a cough that won't go away, unexplained nausea, or unexplained generally feeling rotten.  That's so unnerving.  I had hoped there would be a good way we could watch for it and catch it if it comes back BEFORE it gets to the lung.  But, as close to the chest wall as that tumor was, I guess it wouldn't be surprising that it would head straight for my lung.

Because it is estrogen dependent, I will also be on anti-estrogen medication.  In some ways that also makes me nervous.  I hadn't even thought about this until my sister-in-law mentioned it yesterday, but what if it makes me grouchy?  I don't want my family to have to suffer.  And, of course, there's the bone density issue that this brings up . . . I'm starting menopause pretty early, so I also have to take a WHOPPING dose of calcium and vitamin D every day.  That increases my chance of another kidney stone, but helps with the bone density.

Oh, dear.  I think it would be easier to deal with if I could have a "scan" or some sort of "evidence" to show that things were ok in there.  I've been trying to absorb all this information---I think, really, it leads me back to where we started.  I just need to try my best not to worry about it--watch for symptoms, but just take each day as it comes and just trust that Heavenly Father cares enough about my family to do what is best for us.  So, I will continue trying to practice having faith.  I'm learning that it takes practice!

Friday, November 28,2014

It's Black Friday.  Notice where I am not?  That's right.  I'm home and I plan on staying home!

My last day of radiation was good.  I'm SO glad to be done, but I will miss all the great people there.  When you see them every day, they become your friends.  I'm sad about that, but not sad enough to go back for more treatment!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  It was wonderful!  Mean mom that I am, I gave my kids a writing assignment on Monday and Tuesday.  (They really groaned, but I bribed them with chocolate.  :-)  )  I asked them to write what they have learned this year.  I wanted them to recognize the value of trials, even though they are hard.  Here are their responses:

My 6-year old has a hard time expressing himself verbally, so he needed some help.  He wrote:  "Prayer."  I asked him more about that, and together we came up with, "Heavenly Father answers prayers."  "Please bless all those who are sick so they can get all the way feeling better."  "We can ask Heavenly Father to help sick people."
He wrote "Family."  I asked more about that, and together we came up with "They love each other, family is important."
He wrote "Heavenly Father's Plan."  We came up with "Jesus died for us, so we can be resurrected like He was.  They (someone who dies) can be resurrected, so we could see and be with them again." He wrote, "Wrighting."  (His writing has come a long way this year---he's in 1st grade now.  Although he spelled 'writing' wrong, isn't it interesting how he spelled it?  I'm surprised that he used "ght.")  "Reading."  (Ditto for reading.)  "Helping."  (He really has had to help more at home.)  "Seting the teabl"  (Setting the table---like I said, he has had to help more around the house.)  "Doing my job."  (Likewise.)  When I talked to him about it, he elaborated, "[I have had to] help and do my job.  [I have learned] to be a good worker."
He also wrote that he has learned "Playing", "Painting."
He also told me "That you can get girl cancer or boy cancer.  Sometimes it is scary and sometimes it is not.  Your eyebrows and hair fall out."

My 8-year old wrote (without help):
"I learned how to work harder.  I learned to put others needs before yours.  I leaned that through priesthood power anything is possible if it is Heavenly Father's will.  I learned how to help make the house like a temple.  I learned how to be greatful (grateful) for what you have and not be jealous.  I learned that what you do is how others see you.  I learned that a person is a person no matter how small.  I learned that you should not judge someone by their looks.  I learned that there are more valuable things than money."

My 11-year old wrote:
"I learned how to tell Heavenly Father about my day whenever I pray and I also learned that having cancer (chemotherapy, whatever) in the family is hard.  I learned that Heavenly Father answers our prayers and I also learned that when Mom has real cancer, it's kinda hard.  I also learned how to floss and brush every night before bed and I have made a habit to write cursive, put my name on every paper, add my class number, and the date!  I also learned that Heavenly Father really is there, and that the church is true.  I have found out that squirrels sweat through their feet, and that 90% of people can't lick their elbows, and that hippo sweat is red, and that every Christmas Eve, a dude dressed as Santa Claus water skis on a river in Maryland, and that sadly, Kaylee [her friend] moved . . . I'm ok, though.  I think . . . . "

My 14-year old wrote:
"Throughout this year of 2014, I have learned to be more grateful for everything we have.  For freedoms, families, homes, friends, and so much more!  I have learned that each day is a blessing.  Each day has more and more surprises and blessings to be thankful for.  I have learned that God will bless us with peace and comfort in times of need.  He will help us to be faithful.  He will listen when we tell Him about hard things or good times in our lives.
"I have also learned that if something is hard, stick with it.  The reward (although it may not seem like much) is so wonderful if you have worked hard for it.  Likewise, no matter what anybody says about your performance, as long as you did all you could, it is still okay.  Don't give up on something even if someone is rude about how you do.  If you give up, you will lose the reward of doing your best.  I have learned to try and that is all that counts is how hard you try . . . .
"I have found that I love to write and use my imagination to put my thoughts on paper. I have learned that life is a special gift to enjoy each day.
"I have learned that the world will not end if you have to give a presentation.  Although you don't want to do it, the world will not end when you give it.
"I have learned to appreciate family more, and that trials can make you grow stronger.
"I have learned skills that will help me when I am a mother.  Skills such as;  Playing with children, cooking for children, being kind and PATIENCE!  Patience is so important when dealing with children because they don't always cooperate.
"I have learned how much of a blessing someone can be in your life.  Look past the outward appearance, and you may find a diamond in the rough.  Someone may not seem like much, but if you get to know them, they could be one of the nicest people you know.  Everyone else might not see it, no matter how hard you try to get them to see.  Always stand up for what is right.  You may get bullied or teased, but God is on your side if you do what is right."

My 16-year old wrote:
"I have learned many things this year through school and Mom's cancer.  I have learned ecology in Science.  But the thing that has taught me the most this past year is the trial of my mom's cancer.  It has been hard to deal with sometimes.  But because of it, I have learned temperance, trust, and faith in God, and have felt a deep sense of understanding, and an appreciation for the Atonement.  I have learned that some of the promised blessings and lessons come through hard things, and that they sometimes take a long time to come.  I have learned to trust and have faith in God.  He knows what He is doing, and knows what I need and want better than I do.  He has a perfect plan where we are tried.  He does not leave us alone, thanks to Christ's Atonement.  H is here for us, and loves us more than we can understand.  I have felt deep peace and understanding."

I asked my husband to write one, but so far nothing has happened . . . I think he correctly guessed that I would post it.  If it does, I'll add it onto the end of this post!

With many of my kid's responses, I understand the circumstances (other than cancer) that have happened to help them to learn these things.  It makes it all worth it (did I just say that?????) and makes me all the more determined to stay above ground for a LONG time so that I can be around to continue teaching them and watching their growth.  I'm proud of them for being tough through the hard times, and I hope I can continue trying to help them with the things they struggle with.

Monday, November 24, 2014

LAST DAY OF RADIATION!  Hooray!  I was going to mention a few things in my last post, but I forgot.

Another one of those beautiful things I have seen traveling back and forth occurred on Veteran's Day.  My kids always have programs at their school to honor the veterans.  I knew I wouldn't be able to go to all of them because of my radiation appointment, but I wanted to go to what I could, for as long as I could.  I went to one program, but had to leave early.  It was a cold day; the first day we really had snow on the ground.  Only 5 minutes after leaving the program, I saw a bald eagle perched on a power pole.  It was beautiful, and seemed to be very fitting for that day.

On a more serious note, I wanted to mention a few things.  If I've mentioned them earlier, sorry.  Blame chemo for my forgetfulness.  :-)

There are a lot of things that we believe about breast cancer that are myths.  I want to get the word out about that!  First of all, there are a lot of different types of breast cancer, and the symptoms can vary.  Some can be diagnosed via mammogram, and others can't.  Add to this complex mix the fact that healthy breast tissue can be very dense.  All of this can make finding and diagnosing pretty tricky.

My early "symptoms" were not things that we think of as being symptoms.  I couldn't feel a lump.  But I did notice that breast was tender a lot of the time, even when the other one wasn't.  I didn't worry about it because A. I couldn't feel a lump, and B. I had read that breast lumps aren't usually tender.  In hindsight, I catch the word "usually."  But, please learn from me----even though they usually aren't painful, they can be.

Secondly, I have a family history of a lot of other cancers, but no breast cancer history.  Therefore, I couldn't have breast cancer, could I?  Wrong.  Now I know that 80-85% of all women that have breast cancer have no breast cancer history.  This can happen to any woman (and men, too), regardless of a history of breast cancer.  If you do have a history, your risk is even higher.

Thirdly, I'm too young to have breast cancer.  Wrong again.  I can't remember the exact ages, but the most common age group for breast cancer is about 50-60 (I say that pretty loosely, because I can't remember the exact age breakdowns.)  Now I catch the word "most."  That doesn't mean "all."  Since being diagnosed, I have heard of several women that have had breast cancer in their 30's.  Eric, one of the radiation therapy guys, told me that they had one patient that was 24.  She found a lump when showering.  I have also recently read that in recent years, there has been an increase in the number of young (being defined as 30-something) women being diagnosed with aggressive breast cancers.  They don't know the reason.

I guess from my perspective, what I want others to learn from this experience is this:  Do your exams.  If you miss one, do it when you remember.  Know what your breasts look like in the mirror, and what they feel like.  If something changes---looks or feels different---keep an eye on it.  If it doesn't go back to "normal" within a week or two, go in and just have it checked out.  Chances are good that you will be "wasting your money."  But, go check it out.  If it ends up being something bad, the earlier you catch it, the better.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Well, my last post was at my "low point."  I had some responsibilities for one of my callings, and had some decisions to make.  At that point, I was really feeling the pressure . . . but now that's a lot better.  :-)

So, I have one more day of radiation.  I have felt really good through the whole thing, just a little more tired than usual.  Some nights, I have to turn family responsibilities over to my husband and head for bed early---just can't stay awake one more minute.  But during the day, I have felt good.  The last week or so, the radiation burns have become pretty painful.  But, wow!  I made it to almost the end before they really started to get to me.  I've done well.  (Interestingly enough, they say that darker skinned people have a harder time with the burns . . . so, once again, I have been very blessed.)  They have given me some products to help out--- 100% aloe to use all along.  Then when it's gotten worse, silvadine (I may have spelled that wrong) cream, which really helps.  And also, sheets of Mepilex.  Those are sheets of foam--think of a large piece of gauze and you have about the correct thickness.  On one side it's foam, and on the other, it's adhesive.  You stick the adhesive to your skin.  I don't know how and why they work, but they are AWESOME!!!!!!  They really, really help.  :-)  I'm feeling really lucky that they have taken such good care of me.  I would recommend these great medical people to anyone---I think of them as friends, now, and I'm going to miss them when I'm done.  I have also met other patients, and have discovered that when you both have cancer, you have a natural "bond" because you are going through the same things.  I have met the nicest people.

The last week or so as I have made the daily drive, I have thought a lot about how much I have been blessed.  It's funny . . . I had a lot of blessings before this all happened, and I was appreciative, but this has made me so much more aware.

The time away from home and family has been hard, but we have kind of gotten into a routine, so it has started to smooth out some.  I thought I would HATE  the drive, but I haven't.  Until the last 2 weeks, I have had perfect fall weather so the roads have been good.  Thinking back, I have seen such pretty scenery as I have driven.  When I first started, the fall colors were on, and they were at their peak of brilliance.  As the weeks have gone on, I have watched the leaves gradually drop off the trees.  With our recent snows, I have seen scenery that looks like something off a Christmas card.  I have seen evergreen trees, heavy with snow.  On other days, when it's bitterly cold, I have seen frost clinging to the bare branches of trees.  The other day, there were several deer out near the road--one buck and several does.  It has been beautiful.

Another blessing is that it has given me the opportunity to do my Christmas shopping early.  I am almost done.  I have NEVER, EVER been this far along this early.  With a lot of other responsibilities in my callings and extended family that are coming my way shortly, having my shopping all done is going to really going to help me out!  I'm super excited about that!

My eyebrows have grown back so much I don't need eyebrow pencil at all anymore.  My eyelashes are coming . . . still kinda stubby and straight, but there!  I don't know how much more they will grow, or if they will ever curl at all, but you know, if they don't grow more, and they stay straight, that's a small price to pay for my life.  My hair is long enough and thick enough now that you can see it.  :-)  It's growing pretty slowly, but coming!  It's really fine--very soft like baby hair.  On the down side, I'm having to shave my legs and armpits again.  Oh, well.  It's worth it.

One thing I need to be prepared for that I mentioned previously in passing.  I have been very focused on fighting cancer.  When this is all over and life gets back to "normal" (whatever that is!) I need to be prepared for the fear that's going to come along with day-to-day living, hoping it's not growing in there, and being afraid it might.  I felt a little of that last night.  I had always thought that once the treatments were over, it would be back to business as usual, but I can see it won't be.  So, I need to be thinking about how to manage that so the fear doesn't swarm in and rule my life.

Well, these kids are fighting.  Time to have breakfast and start Saturday cleaning jobs!

Wed. Nov. 5th, 2014

Wow.  This constant traveling to and from radiation is hard stuff.  I feel pretty good--just a little tired and sore, but the schedule is tough.  If I sound ridiculously grouchy here, it's because I have been during the last few days . . . I've just begun to be so tired, and having such a hard time keeping up with all my various responsibilities.  I didn't realize I was being so ornery until the last few days when it has all peaked, and my husband has commented on my grouchiness.  :-(

One thing that's hard that seems to be my lot in life . . .  We have some family members that are suffering from ill health.  Before this whole cancer thing came up, I was getting constant inquiries about their welfare.  I'm sure the people who were asking had only the best of intentions, but it felt like an accusation---that I wasn't doing a good enough job taking care of them.  One person pretty much said that, point blank.  I was doing my best---but I live 30 minutes away from them and have 6 kids of my own!  If I go there to take care of them, I do so at the price of my own children.  I can't pick up kid #1 from location A, take kid #2 to location B, and be taking care of things 30 minutes away at the same time!!  Even when I called the family members to ask how things were going, the answer I heard over the phone was vastly different than what people told me when they asked about their welfare---I got "surprises" all the time.   It's just really frustrating.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, no one asked anymore . . . until now.  Lately, it has all started up again.  I just want to scream, "HELLO????  Does anyone around here remember that I am still having cancer treatment myself?  Anyone remember that I am fighting for my life here???"

I have had a lot of offers of help, but I don't know what to ask people to help with.  What I really need is about 5 more hours in my day.  Oh, well, I'll stop ranting now.  :-)

So, the weirdest thing is happening.  I'm losing all my eyelashes.  Now.  When I have hair starting to come in, eyebrows starting to grow back, leg hair growing back.  And no eyelashes.  Weird.  The other day I was driving home and it looked like I had a hair hanging in my eyes.  I couldn't figure out why that would be the case, and all attempts to brush whatever that thing was out of the way failed.  I finally pulled over and looked in the mirror.  It was two loose eyelashes, hanging down right in my field of vision.  Weird.  Yesterday I lost two eyelashes on my left eye, and one on my right (that I know of.)  I can't wear mascara anymore--there are only two eyelashes on my right eye to put it on.  Weird.  Hope they come back!

Well, gotta run.  Everyone is up for scriptures, and I need to go attend to my responsibilities!

Sunday, October 26th

We made it through the day yesterday!  Hooray!

A little while ago, a sweet lady I know called me.  They are having a 5th Sunday meeting about loving your neighbor and she wondered if I could tell (on camera) an experience I have had with Christlike service from someone else.  I don't know how to narrow it down to one!

As I have reviewed things I've written here in the past to jog my memory, I realized there are some neat things I haven't written, and I think I need to so that I don't forget them.

My visiting teacher is a busy, busy lady.  She works outside her home.  She has 6 children, in various stages of life, and even a couple of grandchildren (though I still think she looks too young for that!)  She has been awesome through this whole thing.  Service is the name of her game.  Right after I had surgery, she brought me meals, at least 2 or 3.  She came and spent a couple of hours cleaning my house.  She tended kids.  When I expressed concern about the amount of time she was taking away from her own responsibilities to attend to my family, she just smiled and said, "Well, let me tell you.  The purpose of my fast this Fast Sunday is to ask Heavenly Father to help me to find the time in my days to help you."  What faith--what commitment!  She has done so much for me.  When I was half-way done with chemo, she took me out for a milkshake.  When we had the "almost-done-with chemo" party, she came over to help me clean up the weekend rubble, went to the store for me to pick up balloons and dry ice, and made treats to bring to the party, loaned us chairs to use for the party, and came to the party.  She gave me her whole day--on a holiday.  She has been a fantastic example of Christlike love and service.  I will never forget the things she has done for me.

My sister, who lives in a city about an hour away from me, had mentioned something about me having breast cancer.  One day at church, a lady stopped her and asked my name.  She told her, and the lady said, "Oh, good.  I just needed to know her name so I can put it in the temple.  Last time I just put Sister Pamela's sister with breast cancer."

I may have mentioned this previously; I don't remember.  I have always wondered if I was really important, and thought maybe I wasn't.  I have always wondered if people really loved me.  I don't think I will wonder that again.  I have been shown Christlike love all through this experience, and it still continues.  People inquire about my welfare every time I go out in public.  I hope that I will be different after this.  I hope that I will be able to do to others as they have done to me.

Saturday, October 25th

Do you ever feel like a stick?  I feel like a stick---I'm bending and bending and bending and wondering how much further I can bend before I break.  Today is so busy--I'm not sure how we are going to make it.  It would have been tight anyway, but some things have changed, and now we're really going to be dancing a jig!!  Hats off to my 2 girls, who have both recognized the need to "step up" and help, and they have/are.  I have tried very,very hard to keep a sense of normalcy around here for my kids. I think that was important, but sometimes I think I did TOO good a job of it.  Just sayin'.  But let's look at the bright side---by the time I go to bed tonight, it will all be behind me, whether I made it to all the places I'm supposed to or not.

The other day I was in the Dr. office waiting to have my port flushed, and I picked up a magazine and started reading.  It was talking about being a cancer survivor, and the emotions that many cancer survivors experience.  Note that this is AFTER they have beaten it.  I didn't read the whole article, but I scanned it.  It talked about depression, anxiety, fear, guilt . . . I can't remember all of them.  I have been thinking about that.  It is a life-changing experience, to be sure, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the changes in my body that are resulting from the surgery and treatments.  Maybe that's part of the reason people experience those?  I guess I need to make sure I'm prepared for all that.

So far, the only one of those things I feel is fear.  Frequently, I feel a sense of fear rising in me.  "What if it comes back?"  "What if there's some growing in a lymph node they didn't get?"  And the list goes on.  It becomes a bit of a mental exercise.  I have to force myself to stop thinking that way and remind myself that Heavenly Father is in charge, and He knows my needs, and those of my family.  I am practicing every day to remember to trust Him and not worry.  Some days that comes easily, others not so much.

Well, I have a little helper pushing keys on the keyboard, so I better go make breakfast and change his stinky diaper.

Wed. October 22, 2014

I am as excited as I would be if I had won the lottery--which isn't likely since I've never played it!(Snicker, snicker.)  I am growing hair!  I still have that fine peach fuzz all over my head.  (I've been pretty worried about that, actually---it's growing in patches, and I've been afraid I would need a wig AFTER my hair grows back in.)  I still don't know how that's going to turn out, but last night I was looking closely in the mirror, and saw tiny eyebrow hairs just starting to show!  I have been lucky enough to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes, but they have definitely thinned, and I have a "bald" patch in the middle of my eyelashes on one eye.  After I saw the eyebrow stubble, I looked really closely at that bald patch, and it looks like I might have a couple of eyelashes starting to grow in there.

Then I felt my legs and my head, and they both are starting to feel a little stubbly.  Though it has been nice to not have to shave my legs since June, it was a trade-off!  I have to say, I would rather have hair and have to shave legs, tweeze eyebrows, etc. . . . it's all or none!  I won't have a head of hair by Halloween, and maybe not even by Christmas, but it's coming!  There's hope!

Radiation is going well.  I'm beginning to get sore.  I guess that's no surprise.  I asked the Dr. how radiation can cure cancer and be a cancer risk at the same time.  Here's the simplified answer.  Radiation interrupts the cell growth, I think by messing up the DNA sequencing, if I remember what he said correctly.  So, shooting radiation into the cancer area messes up the cell division, and since cancer cells divide more quickly than healthy cells, it helps to stop the cancer cells from growing.  However, it can also damage the healthy cells, and that's why it is a cancer risk.  But, he gave me some numbers to go on . . . in my case, the risk of the cancer returning without radiation is 50%.  With radiation, he said it was about 5%.  Then add the less than 1% risk of the radiation CAUSING cancer, and it's pretty clear which option is better.  :-)  They are also doing radiation on the lymph nodes in my neck, because the lymph nodes under the arm drain to the ones in the neck, so just in case anything got away, we can zap it.  Also, most of the scare about radiation causing cancer comes from situations where the dose was much, much higher, such as atomic bombs, etc.  Radiation is a cancer risk, but the risk is relative to the dose.

It is really fascinating to see how they do this whole radiation thing . . . it is a very precise procedure.  They take me in, lay me on the table, and then start tugging the sheet under me to get my body just exactly in the same position every day.  They use a laser light-thing to line up to the 4 tattoos that I am now the proud owner of.  (They are tiny--they look like someone jabbed me with a pencil lead.)  They also shine a light "ruler" on my chest in order to get everything precisely where they want it.  Then whirr, click, click, and in just a few minutes, I'm on my way.

I have to say, there are some strange aspects of this whole thing . . . like wearing bubble wrap in the fold of skin made in my neck when I raise my arms over my head.  Yep, every day!  And having to have my breast taped down to the table--had that experience yesterday.  If you want to know more about that, I'll explain that one in person.  Sigh . . . no dignity left at all.

Well, speaking of the loss of dignity, I better get ready to go to the Dr. again.  I feel like an old person that has all their "social outings" by way of medical appointments.

Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2014
So I haven't updated . . . I haven't had time!  It is keeping me super busy just going back and forth to radiation.  It's going well so far.  It really isn't that bad.  Once I get there, it's a quick change into a gown, then the radiation, then back out.  It doesn't hurt--my scars are just a little tender, and my skin feels a little warm afterward, like a sunburn.  That will probably get worse as time goes on, though.  The only unpleasant part is having to be partially unclothed while they do the radiation.  I tell you, this whole cancer diagnosis and treatment process is hard on a person's dignity!  But then, medical things always are, even as professional and appropriate as providers try to be.

I feel good, and that's really great!  My taste has returned, though when I eat something that tastes bland to me, I always wonder if it's bland to everyone else, too.  Before chemo, I preferred things less salty rather than more.  But during chemo, I found myself pouring salt on everything, just so I COULD taste it.  It's a bit hard to describe how food tasted during chemo.  Foods like fruit tasted the most "normal."  Anything spicy or smoked tasted horrible--combine spicy with metallic and you've got the general idea.  Bread tasted weird.  Chocolate and peanut butter were both really gross.  And, like I said, I had to put a lot of salt on things just so I could taste it.  It's nice to have all that behind me!  I hope I never have to do it again.

I'm watching for my hair to come back.  Somehow I thought it would just start growing like crazy, the way it would have if I had buzzed my head before.  I'm disappointed.  It's kind of like that watched pot that never boils.  I keep checking the mirror, but it's not in a big hurry to grow.  :-(  It has started growing back (slowly), but (as my mom said) it's just like it was when I was a baby.  Fine, blonde peach fuzz all over my head.  And it's not thick, either.  I'm starting to be afraid that it will be so thin that I will have to have a wig AFTER I have hair.  And I don't want a wig.  Moral of the story . . . when you feel like complaining about your hair, don't.  My hair wasn't always perfect, and it didn't always do the things I wanted it to do, but I had some AND it was thick enough that my scalp didn't show through.  I guess whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I will just have to remember how grateful I am to be alive!  :-)

One other thought that occurred to me . . . The busyness and time it takes for me to go to radiation every day has made me think of mothers that work full-time, especially single mothers.  I have a whole new respect for what they do!  I knew I was very blessed to not have to work outside my home, but I never realized just how much.  Even though I am going a different place each day than those that go to work, the end result is the same . . . gone all day and trying to keep up with laundry, dinner, homework, chauffeuring, etc. just like a working mom.  We are getting into a routine, so that's nice, but wow!  I really didn't fully appreciate how good I have had it!  Isn't that how life is?  Sometimes we don't recognize all of the blessings we DO have because we haven't recently felt what it would be like without the blessing.  It makes me want to pay closer attention so that I can see and be more grateful for the little blessings that I tend to overlook.

Well, I had best get going.  I need to get a little boy dressed so we can get on the road to head off to radiation again!

Friday, October 3rd
So, I have literally 1 minute to write, so it's gonna be quick.

The break is over!  This week I've been going to the Dr. to get radiation set up, getting CT scans, having them draw all over my chest with a Sharpie, etc.  The process is actually pretty fascinating.  They use the CT scans to re-create my body on the computer, in order to find the best angles, etc. to zap me with radiation.  (I NEVER want to see that virtual re-creation . . . what a nightmare!)  When I had the scans they had me lay in this bean-baggy thing, and then they removed air to get it to mold around my body; this ensures that each time I have radiation, I will be in the EXACT same position as the first time so they can hit the right spots.

This is going to be hard---I will have a total of about 2 1/2 - 3 hours of travel time every day, Monday through Friday for a procedure that takes 10 minutes---30 minutes if you count checking in and changing into and out of a gown.  But, this is one area where we really don't have much of a choice, so we will just do it.  And pray for a nice fall and good roads!

One thing I realized, though.  I will have the opportunity to see some beauty along the way.  Yesterday I was driving, and saw the most beautiful scene--would have taken a picture if I'd had a better camera than my phone and hadn't been in a hurry.  I plan to enjoy the scenery of the changing seasons as I make the daily trek---kind of a "stop and smell the roses" thing.

Well, I used more time than I had, so now I'm late.  Gotta run.

Tuesday, Sept. 30

OK.  Some say that chemo doesn't affect your brain . . . I beg to differ!  In addition to my ever-present forgetfulness, I have discovered a touch of insanity.  :-}  I have felt restless for so long, so after not exercising at all for the whole summer, I exercised yesterday.  It's amazing how fast you can lose whatever fitness you had managed to attain.  I was huffing and puffing like crazy.  So, today I hit the elliptical again.  And (I never thought I would EVER, EVER say this) IT FEELS GREAT!!!  I'm all sweaty, and feeling fantastic.  And I was convinced that I hated exercise.  Weird.  See, told you it made me insane!

This whole experience has made me, and continues to make me, grateful for each day.  I hope I remember that . . . each day is such a gift.  And it's so nice to be healthy enough to hit the elliptical--even slowly!

Sunday, September 28
This past Thursday would have been my next chemo, but guess what?  I don't have to have another chemo!!!  Hooray!

I am feeling better all the time, and it feels fantastic.  My toes are still a bit numb, but it is decreasing.  and I still have chemo brain a little (so frustrating to forget things!)  But it's so nice to have a little break before I start radiation!  And you should see my fingernails!  I took a picture, but I don't know if it will show up; my fingernails have stripes on them.  No, it's not fingernail polish.  The chemo slowed the growth of my fingernails after each treatment, so I have 5 stripes on my nails (the 6th one hasn't grown out far enough to see yet.)  They are weird and kind of cool, but not worth having chemo to get!  You can see it best on my ring finger.

My hair is starting to grow just a tiny bit.  In some places you can just start feeling a little bit of stubble on my head.  I don't really know how long it will take for it to grow back.  My kids and I were discussing Halloween costumes and I was thinking of all the people I could dress up as with a bald head, like Mr. Clean.  (But wouldn't it be great if I didn't have a bald head by then?)  I guess if I'm still bald on Halloween, I'll look forward to Thanksgiving (who would ever have thought to be thankful for hair?) or Christmas (a great Christmas gift!)  I'm really looking forward to having hair again, just because with hair I looked like everyone else, more or less.  That meant I was invisible, which is OK by me.  But without, people notice me and remember me.  They are always very kind and very concerned, but I am beginning to look forward to being invisible once again.  Just a couple of examples:  I've shopped at a certain store in the mall for years, and been helped by an employee there, but he never "remembered" me . . . until now.  Now he does, because my head wear makes me "stand out."  I was with my family in a local restaurant recently, and a man (who had had a bit too much to drink) came up to me and asked if I was suffering from cancer.  I wasn't offended, just caught COMPLETELY off guard.  Of course, it was the skull cap that gave it away.  I suppose I could solve this problem by buying a wig, but a wig just isn't me!  Plus, as I discussed in a previous post, there are very few wigs in the size I need (you measure from hairline to hairline.)  I COULD make a larger size work, but, like I said, it's just not me.

However, when I think back about that time when I was first diagnosed, and the oncologist went over the treatment plan and told me I would lose my hair, I was horrified.  The thought of losing my hair was as awful as the cancer diagnosis itself.  But, you know, I adjusted.  I've done just fine.

And, so, before I close, I have to tell you a little story.  My 6 year old son always makes a "monkey face" and a "gorilla face."  It's so dang cute.  So, one day, we were sitting around the table eating dinner as a family, and he made his "monkey face."  We all laughed, and then my husband told me I should make a monkey face because "with your bald head it will probably be really funny."  So I did, and everyone got a good laugh.  As this opportunity is hopefully passing shortly, I made a monkey face this morning and had my son take a picture.  I did it before putting on my make-up so it would look more monkey-like.  Prepare yourself . . .

And now, to replace the horrific image that is now stuck in your mind, my "baby" saw me making a monkey face, and imitated me.  And it was just so stinkin' cute I had to take a picture.

Have a great day!  :-)

Monday, Sept. 15th
I'm procrastinating because I don't want to clean up the weekend rubble.  :-)  So, I am starting to feel pretty good.  Most of the dizziness is gone now--I just have an occasional moment now, and that gets better every day.  It feels so good to feel good!

The last few days I've been thinking about how this experience has changed me permanently.  There are the obvious physical changes (scars, hot flashes, etc.), and I mentioned in a previous post some of the things I've learned (that I hope I retain after this is over.)  I realized, though, that there are some ways of thinking that have changed, too.  Right after I had surgery, I (very subconsciously) found myself trying to "hide" from my husband.  I didn't want him to see my incisions, even though he was very kind and very accepting of the fact that I had cancer.  I realized that I felt "broken" and that somehow I felt like I had given him a raw deal . . . as if he had purchased a car that he thought was nice, only to find out it was a piece of junk.  Subconsciously, I felt like I had let him down by turning out to be a piece of junk.  That sounds so dumb now, but that's how I felt.  I'm sure a lot of it had to do with the shock of the whole experience, and was a natural part of the process of trying to find acceptance with it.  So, the other day when I was thinking abut this, I realized that there is a part of me that hasn't completely found acceptance with this whole situation.  I don't feel as broken as I did, and I don't feel like I need to hide anymore, but I realized I'm still making the mental adjustment.

However, the things I hated before about myself physically (my excess weight, the little lines that are starting to appear in my face) don't seem to matter ONE BIT anymore!  I wonder when I "get back to normal" (which will be different than "normal" used to be) if I will care about those things again?  I don't really know.  One thing I do know is that the last few months, as I've heard women obsessing about a few extra pounds, and heard about all the ways they are depriving themselves to try to drop those pounds, I think NO WAY!  I am not going to live that way!  (Because, wouldn't it be a shame if I lived my whole life depriving myself and being miserable about it so I didn't die from a heart attack, and then the cancer came back and I died from that?)  Obviously, I will need to try to eat healthy and exercise regularly.  I tried to do that before, within reason, and I will do it again.  But I REFUSE to live my life feeling deprived or forcing myself to exercise excessively!  I've learned that life is a gift--much too short to spend in misery.  (And to me, excessive exercise and dieting=MISERY.)

One other thing I should mention.  Last week, when I went in for my 1 week after chemo check up, the lady I mentioned in my last post was in the Dr. office.  She looked really rough.  I went to give her a hug and talk to her.  She is NOT doing well.  The cancer has spread to her brain, and they are going to start radiation on her brain.  The chemo just quit working for her, and nothing else they have tried has helped, either.  She seemed to be in despair, and said that all this time, through a lumpectomy, a double mastectomy, several different types of chemo, radiation, etc. she has never thrown up . . . until now.  Now she's throwing up a lot, and has a headache all the time.  Her husband looked awful, too.  You could see the tension, fatigue, stress, worry, etc. written all over his face.  I feel so badly for both of them, and the rest of their family that I haven't met.  I hope the radiation helps to slow it, but I'm afraid it won't.  The cancer has just taken over.  I pray for them--pray that the treatments will work if it's God's will, or if it's time for her to go that they will find peace with it.  I am mourning for her . . . she wants so badly to live.  And I wonder . . . if I were in her shoes (and I hope I never am) would I still be fighting as hard as she is?

Monday, Sept. 8th
Well, I'm right on schedule . . . completely out of patience, and just wanting to feel good again.  The Monday after chemo I'm always impatient . . . I'm awake enough to want to do something, but feeling too weak, dizzy, confused, etc. to do anything productive.  And I'm frustrated by that!

I think the worst thing is the fear that I might have missed something important.  Chemo makes me forget things, but not everything.  Just enough to make me worry what else I've forgotten.  For example, I found a piece of paper in my purse.  It had a name and an international phone number on it.  I kind of knew why I had the number, but couldn't remember when or where I got it and wrote it down, or what I was supposed to do with it.  (Fortunately, I mentioned my confusion to my sister; she reminded me that she had given it to me, and even told me the details of where and when I received it.  I didn't remember a bit of it.)

This morning, my husband asked me where he might find a clean pair of socks.  I can't even tell you the panic that shot through me.  I kept thinking "I know I should know this.  I know this isn't a hard question!"  But for the life of me, I couldn't remember when I last washed socks or why they weren't in his drawer.  All I could tell him was "I don't know."  It scared me because it makes me feel so vulnerable.  I'm afraid I will forget something important (like to arrange a ride for one of my kids, etc.)  It's really a frightening feeling.

But, on the bright side, because I've felt this frustration before, I can say that tomorrow should be better.  :-)  And the day after that will be even better.  There are no words in the English language that adequately communicate how happy I am to have finished my last chemo.  I hope it's the last one EVER!!!!!  Everything I do for the next few weeks is going to be a celebration . . . just because I'm done with chemo!!!

I'm so excited . . . in a few weeks, I will probably be able to taste again.  My feet might start getting un-numb.  And I might even start growing hair again in a month or so!  A new adventure . . .  I wonder if it will be thick or thin, curly or straight, coarse or fine??  I can't wait to find out!

Friday, Sept. 5th
I thought I would get back later.  I really intended to, but I just DID NOT have time!  I was so busy finishing getting kids ready for school . . . gathering school supplies (I already bought all I could, except for my H.S. kids) and getting them in backpacks so they were all ready to take to school, taking kids to numerous Eye Dr., Orthodontist, and Dental appointments before school started.  We had a Cross Country race (mud run), a piano recital, and an extended family church event.  I've been HOPPING!   I've fueled up my car more times this last week or so than any other time in my life!  School started this week--it seems so lonely, and so quiet.  I don't miss the fighting, and the kids seem happy to have a change, but I sure miss having them around.  I really love my kids!

Plus, my husband and I (well, mostly my husband) felt we needed to do something to thank the members of our community for their support.  It really would have been best to do it after radiation, but by then, outside would have been out of the question!  So, on Labor Day we had an almost-done-with-chemo-thank-you for your support party in our back yard.  We kept it simple (I didn't have enough energy to do elaborate.)  Two good friends brought goodies.  (One huge, AWESOME pink cake!)  I made homemade root beer (almost turned out--it was a first try!), lemonade and ice water, and made up a little thank you paper for everyone to take.  It says "We 'mint' (with a York Peppermint Patty attached) to say Thank You!  We appreciate the thoughts, prayers, food, etc. more than we can ever say!  Thanks for being our friends!"  There was another one (treat must have been more popular) that had a Hershey's Nugget attached--they are all gone, but it was similar in content.
The sayings were simple, and maybe quite inadequate, but I hope with all my heart that it communicated the thoughts of my heart.  I hope so much that everyone knows how much I appreciate all their kindnesses.

I dragged my feet the whole way about this party, shamefully.  It seemed like too much work when I'm so tired, and I was stressed about being the "host."  But in hindsight, I can see that my husband was being inspired to do it.  I'm glad he weeded the backyard, mowed, helped with chairs and tables,  and "strongly encouraged" us to do it.

My next door neighbor's father found out he had skin cancer this summer.  There was a spot on his lung that looked suspicious.  I found out that night that it isn't!!!  They think they got it all when they cut out that spot on the skin.  HOORAY!

In not so good news, there's a lady that I met at chemo.  I ran into her randomly last week at Wal-Mart when I was out and about.  She told me what is going on, and I'm so sorry to report that she had been having medical procedures done.  The cancer is having a real party in her.  She didn't look well.  I had chemo yesterday and saw her, across the room.  I have never seen her like that.  She is NOT doing well, and was leaving to go have some more medical procedures done.  I couldn't really talk to her across the room very well, and I was hooked up to a pump, so couldn't get up, but my mom was with me, and I asked her to please go give her a hug from me.  I'm mourning for her--she's not much older than me and still has a child at home. When I first met her and she told me her story, she said she just has to have her chemo give her 20 more years . . . I want her to get that 20 years!!!  I'm going to be keeping her in my prayers.  I know God has a plan for her, too, and I want her to find peace with whatever plan that is.  But I'm sure sad that she isn't doing well . . . . .

Well, I don't have much more to report.  It's in the wee hours of the morning, and thanks to chemo, I am having a little insomnia.  I hope that this post makes some sort of sense---I THINK I'm having a moment of clarity in the fog, but I don't really know!  Maybe I'm hallucinating!  I'm going to leave it as is, though, and head back to bed!

I'm grateful to have just had my last chemo (hopefully EVER), and I'm grateful to have almost completed this part of the cancer journey.  I'm definitely not done, but I am so very thankful for all the learning that has taken place.  I know I am going through this experience for my own learning and growth, and for that of my family.  And maybe even other people I don't know about.  It isn't pleasant, but I think when it's all over, if I were given the chance to go back and skip over it, I would choose not to.  I know God has a plan for me, and I am trying my best to trust in Him.

Good Night Everyone (what's left of it!)

Sunday, August 24, 2014

It's taken me a while to check in, but here I am.  Cycle #5 wasn't as bad as #4.  The Dr. warned me that #4 usually hits people pretty hard.  I never did get feeling good between #4 and #5, but this one is a little better.  I still don't feel great, but I'm thankful to be feeling better than I was last time.

So, the next chemo is my last!!  I'm excited and dreading it all at the same time.  I don't know whether to dread it, or be antsy to get it over with, or what!  I'm thinking about all the things that were "normal" that I used to take for granted . . . taste, hair, feet that were NOT numb, a heart that didn't race all the time, having energy, etc.  I've almost forgotten what that feels like, but I'm SO excited to get the last chemo over with and start getting feeling better.

I will be doing radiation afterward, so I won't be 100% normal.  But the Dr. says it won't be as hard as chemo so I'm excited!!!  :-)

Running out of time so I'll post and get back later.

Wed. Aug 13, 2014

Well, ready or not, here it comes!  Tomorrow is the big day for #5!

The last week and a half has been CRAZY!  After--the day after--we got back from my family's impromptu reunion, I took my kids school shopping.  I have 5 kids in school, and we live in a rural enough area that school shopping is a huge undertaking!  But I knew that by the time I recovered from the next chemo, it would be too late, so I had a week and a half to get it all done.  Well, that week and a half turned out to be 6 days.  Just as soon as we got back from our trip, our car started running poorly.  It seemed like a transmission--it was shifting badly.  (At first I griped and complained, and then I realized I should be saying prayers of thanks that it didn't start having problems until we got home!)  Long story shorter, I knew we had to get it into the shop as soon as they could work it in, before the problem got worse--and more expensive!  So, I made 3 trips into our nearest "shopping" town, getting all the kid's clothes and supplies in 6 days!!!  On the last trip, we took my mom's car because I didn't want to put more miles on mine until we got it fixed.  Let me mention here that online shopping wasn't a great option . . . this silly computer is also needing some work, so until it gets it, I don't dare shop online.  My mom came with me twice (sacrificing her only days off) and the other time when she couldn't come, my sister (who is way more fashion-savvy than I am) came along.   It was exhausting--their help was priceless.

I have to mention here that just as I was leaving on day 1, my father-in-law called and when I told him where I was headed, he volunteered to take them; I thought that was sweet, but told him he didn't know what he had just volunteered for!  (I hope that didn't offend him.)  He cares for my aging mother-in-law around the clock.  I just didn't quite see how he was going to school shop and take her along, too.  I want him to speak to me again, so I don't dare send him off to find clothes that look good and fit well while 4 little children are bored and running around the store, and trying to multi-task finding clothes for that many different kids all at the same time . . .  For the record, I have gotten smart and begun taking coloring books, crayons, and electronic devices along.  Experience . . .  I thought it was so sweet that he was so kind as to offer, though.  I thought it was sweet that he was thinking of me.

This week, we took the car into the shop.  It was a transmission, but it was a relatively inexpensive fix (so far.)  Some bad solenoids.  Don't ask me what they do--I don't have a clue.  But they finished it today so we went and picked it up this evening.  Check!  One more problem taken care of . . . for now.

Whew!  It has been a bit stressful, but not as bad as it could have been.  However, I"m not as prepared physically as I have been for each cycle thus far--I haven't had time!!  But, I think I'm prepared enough.  It will be o.k.

As far as attempting to mentally prepare myself, yesterday, I went to pick huckleberries with my brother and Dad.  It was the very best thing I could have done!  My little kids didn't want to go, and neither did my "babysitter" daughter, so I left her home with them.  It was great!  Sitting out in the brush, talking with my brother, getting huckleberry stains on my butt and knees, swatting bugs and looking out for spiders, (I hate 'em) and enjoying nature.  It was the perfect way to prepare!!  Physically, it was a challenge to get up the trail far enough to find anything to pick . . . my heart was thundering so fast, I thought it would jump right out of my chest, but I just shuffled along, nice and slow, and eventually made it (while I cussed the Forest Service in my head for blocking off yet another road to motorized vehicles.  Bless their hearts; may they all have the opportunity to have chemo or be on crutches.  Just kidding---I think.)  Overall, though, it was a perfect way to spend the afternoon!  I wish I had one more day to go pick berries, but I'm grateful for the time I did have.  It was great!

I think I'm ready to go back for another cycle!  :-)  I'll check in when I revive again!

Wed. Aug. 6th, 2014

I have so much work to do it's not even funny.  I really should work on all of that, but I'm procrastinating! :-}

Well, I've had a lot of weird chemo symptoms that I've been able to avoid thus far that have now descended upon me.  They are really annoying!  The 3 middle toes on my feet are numb.  It is so weird.  I can still feel pain and pressure, thankfully, but it sure feels strange.  And my heart is going really fast; my pulse is 90+.  My heart almost hurts sometimes.  I've talked to the Dr. about it, and he said it's not unusual.  It's because of inflammation, thanks to chemo.  He told me the symptoms that I need to watch for and call about.  So, far I've been o.k. as far as those are concerned, but this whole heart racing thing is pretty annoying!

This past weekend, we went down to Utah for a "Family Reunion/Baby Blessing."  My family's reunion was supposed to be scheduled for the end of July, but it ended up being that hardly anyone could come, so we re-scheduled for the weekend my brother would be blessing his baby.  All my siblings/spouses/kids and my parents were there.  It was so fun.  We stayed in a motel (always a treat for the kids), swam (the motel had an indoor water park), and just enjoyed each other.  Then we went to my brother's church for the baby blessing, and had dinner after the block at my brother and sister-in-law's house.  For me, it was a badly needed mental health experience!

While I was down there, a few things happened that are worth mentioning . . .

First, I got to see a few of the members of my extended family--my aunt, and my cousin.  It was so nice to see them both.  They are both awesome!  :-)

Secondly, I mentioned earlier that my sister had just gotten married in April.  Her husband's mother had breast cancer when he was growing up, and she went through chemo, etc.  I was talking to him and he asked me "How has your family grown from this experience?"  I didn't have a ready answer, other than that my kids have really "stepped up" as far as taking responsibility for each other and around the house.  He said his family developed greater unity as a result of their experience.  The conversation with him really got me thinking.  I think we are developing greater unity, too, though I will probably see it more when I'm looking back on it.

So, when I was at church in my brother's ward, in the middle of Sacrament meeting, I was thinking about it all, and all of a sudden without any notice I found myself crying my eyes out.  I was suddenly seeing all the growth in members of our family.  I finally started writing down the things I was thinking about because I wanted to remember them.  Here's the list:

Through this experience, I have come to an absolute knowledge that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my family---and everyone else, too.  I have felt the Holy Ghost going through this with me and giving me peace---it's such a subtle feeling that I don't always notice, but when I stop and think about it, I realize it's been there all the time.  It's kind of like when the temperature in the room is just right--you don't notice how comfortable you are unless you think about it.

I have learned to enjoy the little things.  This is something that I've struggled with in the past.  I've been so busy worrying and working that I haven't taken time to appreciate all the things that are right and good.  I'm sure this will be something that will be an ongoing learning experience, but this has helped me to learn to appreciate all the little things.

I am learning to be patient.  There are some days I just want this whole mess to be over with.  And, I'm learning that rather than succumbing to frustration and getting angry or grouchy, I need to take a deep breath and be patient.  This too shall pass.

I am learning that every day really is a gift.  Really.  It's not like I didn't know that my life could end at any given moment--I did know that.  But this has made mortality so much more real.  This one really goes along with enjoying all the little things.  Each day we have to experience on this earth is a gift from God; if we look at it that way, and try to appreciate the little things, it helps us to remember what a blessing each day is.

I'm not afraid of death.  I have come to understand that even though death seems like a bad thing, and it definitely has frightening elements, it really is a beautiful gift from God.  It's part of His plan, and when we have finished our time here on earth, we are given the beautiful opportunity to go home to Him.  (And as long as we let that be on His time schedule rather than ours, it is a beautiful thing.)  I know it's hard on the people left behind, and I'm hoping my work here isn't done yet, because I have a family that I think still needs me, but if it IS my time, I'm not afraid of it.

This has been a growing opportunity for my marriage.  Along the lines of every day being a gift, we have come to appreciate each other more.  I appreciate my husband's support--some marriages break up over stuff like this, but he's there, reassuring me that all the ugly scars are o.k., and it's o.k. if I need to lay down and rest.  He even tries to help me when he can, especially after I've had a treatment.

I think all of us have had our faith strengthened.  I know I have.  A week or so ago, I asked all my kids how they were doing.  They all said they're doing fine, because they "know it's going to be o.k."  They all pray for me, and I'm sure they are also feeling the influence of the Holy Ghost.

I've come to appreciate family more.  I'm sorry to say, in the past, I didn't care about going to family reunions.  I was annoyed with all the work.  For close family (like my siblings), I got annoyed with all their oddities.  And for extended family (like aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.), I was so self-conscious about my own weaknesses, I was shy about re-connecting with all of them.  (I really am pretty shy about social interactions.)  I am realizing that was a self-centered approach, and that opportunities to reconnect with family are priceless . . . because every day is a gift.

I also noticed that when I was at the family reunion, all my family's little oddities and quirks didn't bother me like they usually do.  Mostly, I just felt gratitude for each person, and noticed what good people they are.  I noticed all of our quirks, but I was able to relax about it and not be annoyed.  I hope I remember this thing for next time we are all together!

Thirdly, there were a few times that people in my brother's ward said "hi" to me as if they knew me.  But I didn't know them!  After talking to my brother, I found out that they DO know who I am, even if they don't know my name.  He said they know, and they're praying for me.  Again, that is such a wonderfully strange experience.  I have always struggled with my self-esteem.  I have felt maybe I wasn't very important, or that I just wasn't good enough.  I have always worried that maybe I really wasn't loved because I wasn't lovable.  I can't really explain what it feels like to have so many people praying for me and thinking about me and pulling for me.  It helps me to realize that even though I have a lot of weaknesses, people do love me and care about me.  It's weird to think that with all the concerns and cares they have in their own lives, they take time out to pray for me and think of me.  It helps me to understand the concept of all of us being a big family--Heavenly Father's children---and it helps me to understand the value that each of us have to Him, simply because of our identity as His children.

Before I went to the reunion, I wasn't sure if I should go.  I was afraid of getting sick due to my lowered immunity, and I was worried I would be too tired and that it would wear me out.  Well, I'm tired, but it was so good for my mental health, I'm glad I went.  It was one great step in helping me to get ready for the next treatment.  I hope I am able to continue preparing (in all ways) so that I'm ready when it comes!  It's coming right up!

Tuesday, July 29th
The last several weeks have been so crazy, I really haven't had time to do more than jot a few thoughts down, and I'm not sure they have even made much sense, so I'm going to try to do a better job expressing thoughts and feelings about all this stuff.

One thing I really did not anticipate going into this whole adventure is how much of a mental game it would be.  In order for me to keep myself emotionally afloat, and keep my family afloat as well, it is critical that I take care of myself mentally.  That requires preparation before having chemo.  My last chemo (#4) was last week.  I think I should have gotten about a 'D' for preparation.  I did great as far as physical preparation (making casseroles, doing laundry, making sure all the bills are paid, etc.) is concerned--that's the easy part.  Mental preparation is much tougher, and I'm finding that chemo is taking a toll on all of us mentally.  I tried to prepare for it, but the demands of parenting and the drain of children quarreling took their toll.  I was NOT ready.  The good part is that my family had a "half-way through chemo" party for me, and my visiting teacher took me out for a milkshake to celebrate.  Those two things are the ONLY things that got me through.

Right now, I can't even express how much I just want all this to be over with.  It's hard to not get discouraged.  My husband and older kids are run ragged with work.  Their jobs keep them hopping, and when they're home, they are helping here---just doing what they have to do.  I'm so sick of chemo, and everything that goes with it.  I'm tired of feeling like throwing up (even though the nausea medications have kept vomiting at bay), I'm tired of tiredness/weakness.  I'm tired of the (ahem) digestive issues that come along with chemo.  I'm tired of the brain fog.  I'm tired of food tasting weird.  I'm tired of sleeping all day, but I'm too tired not to sleep all day.  I'm tired of needing help, and sitting around watching other people do all the work while I lounge around feeling crappy.  I have "restless legs."  I want to get up and go for a brisk walk, but I can't get any further than the couch before I run out of steam.  Lest any of you should be too alarmed, I've felt this way at this point in each cycle.  This is where mental toughness comes in.  I just have to remember to be patient and give myself a few more days.  I also have to remember that my attitude will be the one that my family follows, so I have to try to gather the shreds of my brain back together and be positive for them.  And I have to make a conscious effort NOT to think about future chemo cycles.  Instead, I'm thinking of the things I'm going to do once I feel a little better . . .  and then trying to remember to be patient until that day comes.  :-)

One thing I haven't previously mentioned . . . One day before my last chemo, there was a knock on the door.  It was the guy I went to school with, whose son had cancer and went through two years of chemo. He had come over to bring some money to us.  Apparently, in addition to a float in the parade, they sold tee shirts and had a dunking booth at the park on July 4th.  They split all the money they earned between me and another family.  Again, I am so touched by their kindness and generosity, and the generosity of all the people who made donations.  I need to write a thank you letter to the newspaper, because the community has been so kind and generous, but with this brain fog I have going, the whole idea intimidates me.  I guess maybe I'll have to wait a few more days, and hopefully when I don't feel quite so crummy, the fog will lift a little???

Even as much as this is all taking a toll on all of us, I can also look at our family, and see that it's helping us grow, too.  I know we will be much stronger when it's all over because of the struggle.  Also, even as hard as it is, I know that others deal with things that are so much worse.

So, for today and tomorrow, and every day until I feel good enough to get a little further than the couch, I'm planning to make lemonade out of the lemons.  I'm going to sit and play games and read and do art projects, etc. with my kids.  It will be good for all of us.  And then, look out everybody, I'm going to be playing hard (somehow) so I'm ready when it's time for #5.

Wed. July 16th
I'm still thinking about giving back/paying it forward.  I haven't come up with any great ideas yet, but I'm still thinking.

I just sat down to pay bills and balance my checkbook.  I opened my bank statement, and there was $100 deposit I didn't have in my records.  I looked it up to make sure, and called the bank.  It was someone else that was thinking of us and deposited some money.  I asked if they could find out who it was (and not tell me) and mail a thank you note, and they looked it up and assured me they can.  So, next time I go in, I'll take a thank you note for them to send.

I guess I had just kind of assumed that once the "shock" of my diagnosis wore off, so would the support.  It hasn't.  People have been so kind, and so good.  Again, I find myself wondering how to pass it on.

A few days ago, I got a package in the mail, from my sister-in-law that lives in Colorado.  It was full of "blue" things . . . with a note that said "thought you might be feeling 'blue.'"  How creative, and how sweet.  I hope everyone knows how much I appreciate their kindness. Truly, from the bottom of my heart.

I also had a chance to chat with one of the Compassionate Service Leaders in my ward last night.  She, again, offered to help me in any way I need.  As we were talking, the opposite topics of self-reliance and entitlement came to my mind---I've been thinking a lot about those, too.  (For what it's worth, I think it's so important to do everything in your power to take care of the needs of yourself and your family, and THEN, after you have done what you can (and when you have a real need--not a greed), know when to call for help.  Self-reliance means doing all you can; it also means not being too prideful to ask for help.  To swing to either extreme isn't good . . . balance is required in this, as in all things.)  I reassured her that I really will call if there's a need, and I will!  So far, though, I have tried my best to prepare in the weeks I've felt good by putting meals in the freezer, making kid arrangements, etc.  After chemo in the week when I'm "down," my family, neighbors, etc. have taken such good care of me, I haven't felt I needed to ask my ward for more.

I've had people come up to me and say (apologetically) "I really haven't done anything for you except pray."  My response to that is "Prayers are what I need the very most!  Thank you, and please keep praying!"

Truly, no act of service has been too small.  Again, I have been blown away by the kindnesses people have extended, both small and large.  And, again, I find myself wondering "How do I ever even begin??"

I'm done with the 3rd!  Halfway done with chemo!  This one wasn't too bad, either physically or emotionally.  It wasn't fun . . . never is, but it was probably the easiest so far.  I have been warned, and I expect, that there will be one coming up that knocks me flat, so I need to keep my head wrapped around that so that I'm prepared.

I have been thinking about the topic of "giving back" a lot lately.  Or "paying it forward," however you want to say it.

On my 2nd cycle, I was having my chemo, and these girls came in with these big boxes.  They started pulling vase after vase of flowers out and putting them on the counter.  One of them brought one to me, with a note.  It was from a cancer survivor in St. Anthony, who occasionally just sends flowers in for those of us fighting the battle.  I thought it was a beautiful thing to do.  I need to get online and see if I can find a website to thank her.

I also met a lady named Cindy while I was having chemo.  She is a kick in the pants!  She is battling cancer, too, and had chemo the same day.  She's got this super funny sense of humor, and she just tells it like she sees it.  I ran into her this last time, too, the day after my treatment when I went in for a shot.  We chatted for a minute, and she told me she hoped I kicked this cancer's [butt] because "one of us has to, and it's having a 'party'" in her.  She didn't whine or complain, she didn't have a little pity party, no hint of victimization, just a matter of fact statement.  I REALLY wish her cancer would quit partying . . . I want her to kick its' butt, too.  I was so touched that even in her circumstances, she was thinking of me and pulling for me.  What an amazing person!

I mentioned in a previous post that a lady in our community that had breast cancer 7 years ago caught up with me at a church meeting.  She stays in touch via text.  Her support and encouragement mean so much to me.

During this last treatment, a cute, young woman popped in to talk to the nurses.  Her husband and kids were with her.  One of the nurses, pointing at her, said "Here's a survivor!"  I asked her to come back and talk to me, and she took a few minutes to do so.  I can't tell you how much I appreciated talking to her.  She told me her story, and it was so nice to see her!  She's young (she was 36 at the time), healthy, active, vibrant, beautiful.  It's always nice to see people that have gone through this, and to see with my own eyes that there can be life--great life--afterward!

I was talking to my nurse this last time.  His dad has terminal cancer.  Right now he is in Seattle, doing experimental treatments.  He's not doing it for himself . . . he's doing it as a way of giving back.

I was sleeping during the 4th of July Parade, but my family went.  As soon as they came home, several of my family members came in my room to tell me all about it.  There's a family here that owns their own business.  Their son had cancer a few years ago, and he went through 2 years of chemo.  I can't even imagine how hard it must be to watch your child go through that!  Not long after I was diagnosed, I ran into them at a school event.  They talked to me for a long time, and it was so helpful for me.
 They always have a float in the 4th of July Parade.  Well, this year, on their float, they had pink ribbons on the trees.  They were giving out tee shirts that said "Tough Guys and Gals are Bald" with a pink ribbon on the front.  When they saw my family, they looked for and found a shirt that would fit me and gave it to my family to bring home to me.  I really wish I could have seen it, but even hearing about it makes me cry.  My entire family, and myself, were so touched--my mom, sisters, and even some of my kids cried when they told me about it.  What a support they are to me, as well as everyone else that is battling cancer!  I've written a thank-you note to send them, but it seems so inadequate, I'm going to tear it up and try again.  How do you find words to express gratitude that deep?

My sister came up and took almost a week out of her life to take care of us.  She ran her behind off trying to keep up with the demands of our combined families.  My brother and sister both came up for the 2nd cycle.  Neighbors have sent food . . . in fact, my neighbor sent over a meal the other day, and then sent me an apology text because she didn't feel she had sent a nice enough one.  I don't want her to apologize!  I want her to know how much I truly appreciate her taking the time, spending the money, etc. to send food to us when she has a life of her own going on.

I also think about two women in our community that have lost their battles with cancer in the last month or so.  They were amazing women in their own right; women that each made a mark on our community in her own way.  I will always remember and appreciate them for the things they taught me and my family.

I've just been thinking about how much people have done for me and how grateful I am.  I've mentioned only a few . . . there are so many more people that have helped us in their own ways.  It isn't possible for me to mention them all, but no matter how "small" their service was, it is so very appreciated.  I want to thank them, and tell them how much their love and support mean to me.  I want to "pay it forward" or "give back" or something, but I find myself at a total loss.  I want to do something to show people how much I appreciate their love and support.  I want to think of something I can do when this is all over to pass it on to someone else.  But, on both counts, I find myself at a total loss.  How do I even begin?

Tues. July 1, 2014
Well, tomorrow is my 3rd cycle.  I've ENJOYED (I can't even tell you how much I've enjoyed) these last two weeks.  We haven't done anything remarkable as a family . . . it's summer (my husband's busiest season of the year) and my oldest two kids are working this summer, so going anywhere is enough extra stress that it is questionable if it's even worth it!  But, I've had a lot of family in town and we have spent some time together.  Today we went to the park with a picnic lunch, and took the kids my daughter is babysitting with us, and met my sister and her kids there.  We really did have a good time!  It's sunny, and the weather is perfect . . . not too hot, not too cool.  Beautiful weather, beautiful place.  What more could I ask for?

I have tried hard to prepare mentally and emotionally for another treatment, and I've found that I really don't know how to prepare.  Thus, I find myself hoping I'm prepared, but not knowing for sure.  My sister had a "surprise" that she told me . . . (I'm so glad she did!)  She said she was thinking about having a party for me after this next treatment to celebrate being 1/2 way through my chemo.  I don't know if it will all come together or not (if my family reads this, no pressure, really) but either way, it has given me something positive to look forward to.

One of the things I've learned this time around is how to enjoy the little moments . . . to enjoy the journey.  By nature, I'm wound pretty tight, and have spent a lot of time in my life being really stressed out about things that really don't matter in the long run.  But at the time, even if I knew that it didn't matter, I still stressed about them; I just couldn't figure out how to "let go."  Learning to enjoy the journey has been a long, slow process, and it's not complete yet.  But this has sure pushed me in that direction.  And it's a great change!

Another thing that I am hoping is a life-long change:  I found out yesterday late afternoon that one of the ladies I visit teach is having a busy medical week.  Before, I probably would have thought "Well, I would sure love to help, but I won't be able to do it.  Hope it goes ok."  But, this time, having had a visual example of others who have served me so faithfully (especially my faithful, WONDERFUL visiting teachers) I thought, "OK, I have chemo on Wed.  Is there a way I can help her?"  And I kept thinking until I found a way to get dinner to her.  I am hoping this will change me, forever, and make me better at serving others.

(And I hope no one in my Stake or Ward in leadership positions ever reads this, 'cause I'm happy with the callings I have, and I'm not looking for anything else, thank you very much.  Just don't want to give them any bright ideas!)