October 16, 2021

It has been almost a year since I've been on here.  I honestly didn't think anyone was reading it, and these days I am choosing to be very selective about how I spend my time, so I didn't bother.  But I guess I will post an update now.  It's honestly kind of therapeutic to spill my guts a little bit.  

People ask me how I am doing all the time.  It is so hard to answer that question, especially with people I haven't seen for a long time.  HOW ON EARTH can I ever figure out how to summarize this past year into one neat little sentence?  Not gonna happen!!

The last year has been a roller coaster!  I have experienced more emotions rapid-fire than I can express-- over, and over, and over again.  In a nutshell, grief.  Study the stages of grief and that will probably give you some idea of the varied and confusing emotions we have had going on in our house.  It feels like our whole family was standing naively on a large area rug, and then unexpectedly, someone we couldn't see came along and ripped the rug right out from under all of us and then walked away, leaving us all on the floor--bleeding, bruised, broken, trying to figure out how to get up.  And the "support team" you usually have to help you through hard things is all down there with you.  All of them are grief-stricken right along with you.  How do you recover from that?  

This year, as it's the 20 year anniversary of 9/11, there were several articles in the news.  I remember reading one where a survivor said something similar to 'People would ask me how I was, and I would say "fine."  I thought I was fine.  But it was only after about a year that I realized I had been a walking zombie, like I was in a fog for that whole year.'  Yep.  That sounds about right!  

Sometimes I have had peace and a knowledge that it's going to be ok.  (However, looking at things through my mortal eyes, I cannot even begin to see how that could be possible.)  There have been many other times when I have felt a great deal of sadness.  I have cried more tears than I thought my body could hold!  I have felt frustration and had a hard time accepting the reality.  This is NOT supposed to be how this was going to turn out!  I gave my life giving 110% to my children and husband, helping take care of extended family that needed it, serving to the best of my ability in my callings.  The reward for that was supposed to be time after all my children were raised to do a few things I wanted to do!!  And yet, here we are.  It has been confusing and difficult to accept.  I am not angry at God--I know He has a plan, so I can't be angry.  But it has been really frustrating.  

And yet, I cannot deny that this is God's will for my family.  I know it.  100%.  I understand some of the reasons; I can't have EVERYTHING I want, because all the things I want aren't compatible with each other.  Early on, the Spirit made that known to me.  And God knowing me as only He can, He knows that if I have to choose, I will choose the growth in my family that is coming from this mess.  I am sure there are more reasons that I cannot yet see, but they are real and true nevertheless.  How can I argue with that?  How can I argue with God?  I can't.  I KNOW He is aware of us.  I KNOW this is His plan for us.  So, I just try to keep moving forward the best that I can.  

I WANT a big miracle.  I know God can deliver those.  I KNOW He could make me cancer-free.  But I also know that is not His will for me.  That's not His plan.  So, I gratefully accept the small miracles that come.  They are small, but a miracle is a miracle, and I'm going to take it, gratefully.

Here are a few we have had over the last year:

• Many times I was trying to push through an authorization for a test or new treatment, and it went through faster than it normally does.  The last time this happened was just this week--it always takes 2 weeks to get authorization for a new treatment regimen.  Always.  And yet, even though it was submitted later than I had hoped, I had authorization for my new treatment 1 week after the insurance received it.  Feeling kinda rotten right now because of it, truthfully.  ;-)  
• Ability to get counseling when needed.  Counselors are booked out for months.  They all have waiting lists. But we have had 3 miracles regarding counseling.  
• The first occurred about January when I just knew I needed to get my child into a counselor.  I didn't know why--as near as I could tell, things were going ok.  Besides I had a broken right ankle from a car accident (another story entirely) and was in a wheelchair.  There was no way I was driving anywhere!  I wasn't as quickly obedient as I should have been, sadly, but I did start acting on the impression.  And, things went downhill very quickly with that child.  Without the counselor, the outcome would have been very, very bad.  But we made it through because all the legwork was done in time to have the counselor on board when it was most needed.
• The second was over the summer.  The nurse navigator at the cancer center called me about something else, entirely unrelated.  But before the conversation was over, I had agreed to having her send a referral to a counseling center, because we were going to need it "someday."  I didn't think "someday" would be coming for a long, long time.  One week later, something happened that helped me realize that one of my children was suffering much more than I had thought.  I called to try to get the child into a counselor that works with children (and for any of you that haven't tried to find one of those, they are hard to find), fearing they would be booked out for months.  But guess what?  A new counselor that works with kids just started working there and still had some openings.  I got my child in the next day.  We have been going to her for 4 months now, and my child is making some progress.
  
• The third one was just this week.  I have a child that kind of came apart at the seams at school and ended up in the counselor's office a few weeks ago.  There are a lot of things going on there, not just me being sick, but that gives that poor kid even more to sort out.  Long story shorter, I contacted the school counselor to see what options we have, and then life got in the way, and I didn't get much more done.  Earlier this week, I determined that I really needed to get that ball rolling.  I drafted an email to a local counseling resource, but before I got it sent, I decided not to, out of the blue.  (Due to driving distance, I decided to try one that's closer instead of the one where we have the referral.)  Instead, I emailed the school counselor again, just to ask if she does counseling on the side--you know, for continuity and such.  No, she doesn't, but it just happened that the very next day, one of those counselors from the community--the very place I had written the email to but not sent--was going to be coming into the school to do some sessions with students.  The current school counselor (who is new to the school this year) had, unbeknownst to me, spent the last year in her former job working really hard to get grants to help make counseling services more available to students.  My child was able to get into that counselor the very next day, free of charge.  Eventually, we will need to do the counseling after school, and it won't be free, but that's ok!  It is giving us a chance to see if this lady is a good fit for my child, and to get us past the child's current sports season, which would have been a scheduling nightmare.
• More people than I can count that have showed their concern and caring.  It's hard, too, because you can see the grief in their eyes.  They are hurting too.  (Funny thing . . . mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort sounds wonderful.  But doing it means you are grieving all the time, just saying!)

Of course, there have also been things that have been less helpful--comments that just make you stare because you can't even get your mouth to form a response.  There are people that you used to talk to all the time that no longer call you anymore, or that when you do talk to them, they seem "distant." That's hard.  But I understand that in many cases, it's because they just don't know WHAT to say and do.  They are trying to process their own grief, too.  They don't want the pain that comes from losing someone very close to them.  Avoiding situations that have the potential to become awkward or painful is an emotional defense mechanism, and we have all done it.  So, even though it makes a hard situation harder, I can't really be angry with them.  They are doing the best they know how, just like I am.

I guess I need to close and get on with my day.  The thing I want to leave with anyone who might happen upon this blog unexpectedly is to tell you, no matter your religious affiliation or beliefs, I absolutely know that God is there.  He is aware of all of us.  And sometimes He allows suffering to teach us.  But WE have to take the first step.  We have to reach out to Him.  I can tell you what I know and how.  But somehow, it seems so weak when I read my own words.  It's something you have to experience for yourself.  If you have had that experience, you know what I mean.  If you haven't experienced it, try it.  Reach out.  Allow Him into your life, whatever is going on.  He loves you.  Gotta run!