Friday, Feb. 13, 3015
Hmmmm. Just realized when I typed that, that it's Friday the 13th!
This week something interesting happened . . . to explain it, I really need to go back to mid-December. At that point, I had "evidence" that there was some fluid of some sort collecting in me. (Sorry, that was the least descriptive way I could say it.) Long story shorter, over the course of several days/weeks, I made several calls. I got the impression from my oncologists that they weren't really concerned about it, but that it wasn't "typical" either. I ended up in the surgeon's office in January, even though the "evidence" had abated, where he did an ultrasound. It showed a small pocket of fluid collecting in the surgical site, and he explained that after he did the lumpectomy, it left a large empty space, which is gradually filling up with tissue, but is still not completely healed. Radiation is really hard on tissue (that's why it works to kill cancer) and he thought the fluid was the result of the radiation-damaged tissue beginning to heal. (This made sense to me a few weeks ago when my son fell when he was out running and really skinned up his knee. The injury was weeping a transparent yellowish fluid the first few days as it began to heal.)
At the end of January or first part of Feb, it all started up again. I can't really explain how much it freaks me out to have stuff leaking out of me. I asked my husband and mom (who had been the extra sets of ears at my appointment, since my memory isn't so great) what the Dr. had said, and both of them thought they remembered hearing that it might start again, so I just waited and watched. Well, on Monday, the floodgates opened; that really freaked me out. So I called the surgeon again, and he squeezed me in on Wed.---even though his schedule was full, he didn't want me to wait because he was afraid it would stop before the appointment, which is what happened last time. He repeated the ultrasound, and that same little pocket of fluid was there--he believes it begins to drain when the pressure builds up inside, which is why it starts and stops so randomly. He wanted to drain the pocket--here's the cool part---so, guided by ultrasound, he stuck a needle/syringe through the side of my breast into the pocket of fluid and sucked it out. It was the weirdest thing to watch on ultrasound---that black round spot on the screen just collapsed, at the same time I heard a weird sucking sound. It was morbidly fascinating. He wants me to go back in a month, as he would like to keep an eye on it. I'm getting the idea that this is not "typical", but not necessarily "abnormal" either. I'm grateful he is "taking me seriously" and is following up. It gives me more peace of mind.
The reason I bring this all up is that having things like this happen makes it very difficult to "move on." As much as I am trying to move on, live my life, and enjoy each day, the worry is ever present. It is one of those things that is always in the back of my head, constantly. I am working to find a balance between being vigilant and watchful, but still trying to have faith in the Lord's plan, move on and live my life to the fullest. It is a delicate balancing act. I am sure this will just take time.
Something funny happened the other night. In order for it to make sense(ish), I have to give a little background. I don't remember much of the last year--it's pretty much a blur. So, I called the Dr. to see if my youngest child's immunizations were up to date. They would have been, but alas, his Hepatitis A shot was given a bit too early, making it invalid. Annoying, right? So, I've been thinking "9 days. How big of a deal is that, really?" It has been on my "to-do" list to try to figure out what to do about it. There's the background.
So, the other night, I guess I was dreaming, though I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I woke myself up when I said aloud, "But I don't HAVE Hepatitis!!!"
It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone around Christmas. A few years ago, he had some health problems showing up, but diagnosis was proving to be very tricky. He went to several different doctors, and had tons of tests, etc. He told me that one night, his wife heard him say in his sleep "I promise, I'm not faking it!"
I think these things are so tell-tale about what we are worrying about and experiencing! I see that I have a need for "normalcy", whatever that is. Needless to say, yesterday my little boy got a Hep A shot.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Wed., Feb. 4th, 2015
I've had a lot of thoughts this last few weeks that I thought I would share, only now I can't remember them. Welcome to a day in my life! I can't even believe how scatter-brained I am!!!
I am doing a lot better with getting my head wrapped around everything. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I have had a hard time. When there's something that is traumatic--a crisis of sorts---I always buckle down and do what I have to during the crisis, and then afterward when it's over, the trauma of it all hits me and I have a lot to process.
I pray daily that the cancer won't return, or if it does, that we will be able to catch it before it has spread to my lungs or liver or anywhere else. The Dr. told me that is pretty much impossible, and I'm sure that's true, because now I don't even have lymph nodes to filter it out and catch it. But with God nothing is impossible. He will have things be the way He wants them to be. I pray that I will be strong enough to accept His will, even if it's not what I want.
It is nice to be getting back to "normal." All things considered, I think my family has weathered this quite well. My kids have done remarkably well, but they have emotional needs that I have not been able to meet as well as I would have liked during this past year. It feels so nice to be getting back to trying to help them to grow. Some of that process involves discipline---I don't love that part as much, but it is necessary for their learning and growth. This is a little bit of a soapbox of mine, but I think it is so important to not shield our kids from struggle, and especially from consequences. I've been guilty of that more times than I want to admit, sorry to say, and I have learned from it. We need to find that delicate balance between letting kids get hurt and learn from their own mistakes, but still "be in their corner", and help them with the problems they encounter. It feels good to be able to be working on all that.
My hair is looking like it just might come in kind of curly! It's sticking out in ways it never used to, and the top is curling a little. It's about an inch long now . . . we will see what happens next. I'm not exactly sure what to do with curly hair, but it should be an adventure. I'm happy to have the opportunity to figure it out.
It also came in really, really gray! My husband was giving me a really hard time about that--even though he's 5 years older than me, I have way more gray hair than he does. I just glared at him and said, "Do you know what I have just been through? I have earned EVERY ONE of those gray hairs!" And then I dyed it. Nothing a $5 box can't fix!!!
My husband bore his testimony in church on Sunday. He told about reading the kid's answers to my question about what they have learned, and that he "stalled" on answering the question. (Do I know him or what? Knew that's what he would do!) He talked about a few things he's learned, and I took notes . . . I will share some of them here.
He said he has learned how much the Lord loves him, and loves our family. He has been so thankful for the peace the Lord sends us in times of trial, and he testified that the Lord can and will send us that peace if we seek for it.
He talked about how the Lord can fill in the gaps between who we are, and who we need to be. That He helps us to be better than we are on our own.
He said he learned how great our ward is. We have received service in all forms--prayers, acts of selfless service, etc.
To all of his comments, I say "AMEN!" I agree with all he said. This has truly been a learning experience. Some days I wake up and think, "I wish I could just wake up and find out this was all a nightmare. I just want my old body back. I just want to not have to worry about it coming back, and I don't want to have to do the exercises that I have to do post surgery & radiation." But then I think of all the things I have learned and how much I have grown, and wonder if I really would choose to lose all that learning and growth. I don't know what I would choose if I truly had the choice---the jury's still out. But I am thankful for all the things I have learned from the struggle.
One thing is sure--good day or bad, I am just so glad to have it. My aunt was so right . . . "Every day is a gift from God."
I've had a lot of thoughts this last few weeks that I thought I would share, only now I can't remember them. Welcome to a day in my life! I can't even believe how scatter-brained I am!!!
I am doing a lot better with getting my head wrapped around everything. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I have had a hard time. When there's something that is traumatic--a crisis of sorts---I always buckle down and do what I have to during the crisis, and then afterward when it's over, the trauma of it all hits me and I have a lot to process.
I pray daily that the cancer won't return, or if it does, that we will be able to catch it before it has spread to my lungs or liver or anywhere else. The Dr. told me that is pretty much impossible, and I'm sure that's true, because now I don't even have lymph nodes to filter it out and catch it. But with God nothing is impossible. He will have things be the way He wants them to be. I pray that I will be strong enough to accept His will, even if it's not what I want.
It is nice to be getting back to "normal." All things considered, I think my family has weathered this quite well. My kids have done remarkably well, but they have emotional needs that I have not been able to meet as well as I would have liked during this past year. It feels so nice to be getting back to trying to help them to grow. Some of that process involves discipline---I don't love that part as much, but it is necessary for their learning and growth. This is a little bit of a soapbox of mine, but I think it is so important to not shield our kids from struggle, and especially from consequences. I've been guilty of that more times than I want to admit, sorry to say, and I have learned from it. We need to find that delicate balance between letting kids get hurt and learn from their own mistakes, but still "be in their corner", and help them with the problems they encounter. It feels good to be able to be working on all that.
My hair is looking like it just might come in kind of curly! It's sticking out in ways it never used to, and the top is curling a little. It's about an inch long now . . . we will see what happens next. I'm not exactly sure what to do with curly hair, but it should be an adventure. I'm happy to have the opportunity to figure it out.
It also came in really, really gray! My husband was giving me a really hard time about that--even though he's 5 years older than me, I have way more gray hair than he does. I just glared at him and said, "Do you know what I have just been through? I have earned EVERY ONE of those gray hairs!" And then I dyed it. Nothing a $5 box can't fix!!!
My husband bore his testimony in church on Sunday. He told about reading the kid's answers to my question about what they have learned, and that he "stalled" on answering the question. (Do I know him or what? Knew that's what he would do!) He talked about a few things he's learned, and I took notes . . . I will share some of them here.
He said he has learned how much the Lord loves him, and loves our family. He has been so thankful for the peace the Lord sends us in times of trial, and he testified that the Lord can and will send us that peace if we seek for it.
He talked about how the Lord can fill in the gaps between who we are, and who we need to be. That He helps us to be better than we are on our own.
He said he learned how great our ward is. We have received service in all forms--prayers, acts of selfless service, etc.
To all of his comments, I say "AMEN!" I agree with all he said. This has truly been a learning experience. Some days I wake up and think, "I wish I could just wake up and find out this was all a nightmare. I just want my old body back. I just want to not have to worry about it coming back, and I don't want to have to do the exercises that I have to do post surgery & radiation." But then I think of all the things I have learned and how much I have grown, and wonder if I really would choose to lose all that learning and growth. I don't know what I would choose if I truly had the choice---the jury's still out. But I am thankful for all the things I have learned from the struggle.
One thing is sure--good day or bad, I am just so glad to have it. My aunt was so right . . . "Every day is a gift from God."
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