Wed., Feb. 4th, 2015

I've had a lot of thoughts this last few weeks that I thought I would share, only now I can't remember them.  Welcome to a day in my life!  I can't even believe how scatter-brained I am!!!

I am doing a lot better with getting my head wrapped around everything.  I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I have had a hard time.  When there's something that is traumatic--a crisis of sorts---I always buckle down and do what I have to during the crisis, and then afterward when it's over, the trauma of it all hits me and I have a lot to process.

I pray daily that the cancer won't return, or if it does, that we will be able to catch it before it has spread to my lungs or liver or anywhere else.  The Dr. told me that is pretty much impossible, and I'm sure that's true, because now I don't even have lymph nodes to filter it out and catch it.  But with God nothing is impossible.  He will have things be the way He wants them to be.  I pray that I will be strong enough to accept His will, even if it's not what I want.

It is nice to be getting back to "normal."  All things considered, I think my family has weathered this quite well.  My kids have done remarkably well, but they have emotional needs that I have not been able to meet as well as I would have liked during this past year.  It feels so nice to be getting back to trying to help them to grow.  Some of that process involves discipline---I don't love that part as much, but it is necessary for their learning and growth.  This is a little bit of a soapbox of mine, but I think it is so important to not shield our kids from struggle, and especially from consequences.  I've been guilty of that more times than I want to admit, sorry to say, and I have learned from it.  We need to find that delicate balance between letting kids get hurt and learn from their own mistakes, but still "be in their corner", and help them with the problems they encounter.  It feels good to be able to be working on all that.

My hair is looking like it just might come in kind of curly!  It's sticking out in ways it never used to, and the top is curling a little.  It's about an inch long now . . . we will see what happens next.  I'm not exactly sure what to do with curly hair, but it should be an adventure.  I'm happy to have the opportunity to figure it out.

It also came in really, really gray!  My husband was giving me a really hard time about that--even though he's 5 years older than me, I have way more gray hair than he does.  I just glared at him and said, "Do you know what I have just been through?  I have earned EVERY ONE of those gray hairs!"  And then I dyed it.  Nothing a $5 box can't fix!!!

My husband bore his testimony in church on Sunday.  He told about reading the kid's answers to my question about what they have learned, and that he "stalled" on answering the question.  (Do I know him or what?  Knew that's what he would do!)  He talked about a few things he's learned, and I took notes . . . I will share some of them here.

He said he has learned how much the Lord loves him, and loves our family.  He has been so thankful for the peace the Lord sends us in times of trial, and he testified that the Lord can and will send us that peace if we seek for it.

He talked about how the Lord can fill in the gaps between who we are, and who we need to be.  That He helps us to be better than we are on our own.

He said he learned how great our ward is.  We have received service in all forms--prayers, acts of selfless service, etc.

To all of his comments, I say "AMEN!"  I agree with all he said.  This has truly been a learning experience.  Some days I wake up and think, "I wish I could just wake up and find out this was all a nightmare.  I just want my old body back.  I just want to not have to worry about it coming back, and I don't want to have to do the exercises that I have to do post surgery & radiation."  But then I think of all the things I have learned and how much I have grown, and wonder if I really would choose to lose all that learning and growth.  I don't know what I would choose if I truly had the choice---the jury's still out.  But I am thankful for all the things I have learned from the struggle.

One thing is sure--good day or bad, I am just so glad to have it.  My aunt was so right . . . "Every day is a gift from God."