Tues. Sept. 15th
I haven't written anything for a long time--mostly because it's been back to business as usual, and that feels great, but BUSY! I don't think I have ever been this busy before--just trying to keep all our family's ducks in a row, doing bookkeeping, helping with my in-laws, etc. I have 5 kids in 4 different schools this year. It's insane, made more so by the fact that I have a lot more trouble remembering things and accomplishing things than I used to. These days, if it's not bugging me, I forget about it, which means I get a lot of "oops, I forgot to do that" type of surprises. Kinda scary! Nevertheless, I would rather be busy than bored, so we will all just keep plugging along and hope for the best.
I realized, about a week and a half ago, that it had been 1 year since my last chemo! I'm so glad I'm looking back at it now, and that it's done. Hope I don't have to do that again!
I have a new pet peeve . . . when people complain about getting old. Sure, I get it that all the new aches and pains aren't pleasant. Nor is the expanding waistline, or the jiggly "Relief Society" arms, or the wrinkles and gray hair. Worse yet is when health deteriorates. I understand all that, but I hate it when people, who seem to be in good health overall, gripe about it so much. They are ALIVE! Do they know how many others never got the opportunity to live long enough to "get old?" (For the record, I give those whose health has deteriorated significantly--whether or not it is "obvious" to the rest of us---a "get out of jail free" card. They have valid reason for complaint.) I guess that's just one of those things where you don't realize how much you have to be grateful for until you have seriously contemplated the possibility of losing it. As for me, I have my sights set on 60. Don't get me wrong . . . although at one time I would have considered 60 to be "over the hill", I sure don't now. But by then, HOPEFULLY, my kids will be raised and at a stable point in their lives. HOPEFULLY I will live beyond 60, and enjoy good health so that I can do some of the things on my ever-expanding bucket list. But, if not, the most important thing is that my kids get what they need . . . So, I'm still exercising (somewhat reluctantly) and hoping and praying for the best. :-)
Well, this is a boring post, but I"m too tired to think of anything else to say. So, goodnight!
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Wed. June 3rd, 2015
I went to the Dr. last week . . . was just worried about that silly persistent cough, and the weird shooting pains in my right side. Sometimes it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest under the arm, other times it's a sharp pain that feels like it's coming out of my shoulder blade, and other times it feels like it's deep in my breast, near the chest wall. The Dr. isn't worried about any of it. He says he hears ALL the time that women are having shooting pains in their chest. It is probably the result of tissue trying to heal after radiation. He said it can last up to 5 years.
As far as the cough is concerned, he isn't worried at this point. He said it's probably due to the radiation damage on the bottom part of my lung, which is now trying to heal. Then add a little sniffle or something, and the cough is there "to stay." I don't cough harder when exercising, I don't have excessive shortness of breath when exercising, I am feeling good and don't feel generally short of breath. I have been sneezing like crazy every morning this week, and have begun wondering if I have some allergies??? Anyway, he said if I still have the cough in a month, we can do chest X-rays just to make sure, but at this point, he is not at all alarmed. That makes me feel so much better!
One of the challenges with this is that it's hard to find the line between being "aware of my 'new' body" and "hypochondriac." I don't know where the line is! But it was a relief to hear that the Dr. wasn't alarmed about a cough that has hung on for 4 weeks. Whew!
In other random thoughts:
My chemo-brain is getting better. My calling--that I DO NOT love---forces me to try to think through things. I sometimes get "stuck" and can't think what to do next. But I think the process of having to think it through is helping me to re-learn. Seems silly, but it's real. I can see that I am making slow progress.
I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. By that I mean, I am beginning to realize that there really CAN be life after cancer! The further out I get, the more I realize that I could possibly have a future. It feels great! Here's hoping my future ends up being cancer-free!!!!!
I heard on the radio that 1/3 of all women will develop some type of cancer in their lifetime, and 1/2 of men. Wow---I didn't realize it was that high. Sad.
Well, I better get my kids and myself ready for bed. One change I have noticed is that I seem to need a lot more sleep now than I did before. I don't know why. Good night everyone!
I went to the Dr. last week . . . was just worried about that silly persistent cough, and the weird shooting pains in my right side. Sometimes it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest under the arm, other times it's a sharp pain that feels like it's coming out of my shoulder blade, and other times it feels like it's deep in my breast, near the chest wall. The Dr. isn't worried about any of it. He says he hears ALL the time that women are having shooting pains in their chest. It is probably the result of tissue trying to heal after radiation. He said it can last up to 5 years.
As far as the cough is concerned, he isn't worried at this point. He said it's probably due to the radiation damage on the bottom part of my lung, which is now trying to heal. Then add a little sniffle or something, and the cough is there "to stay." I don't cough harder when exercising, I don't have excessive shortness of breath when exercising, I am feeling good and don't feel generally short of breath. I have been sneezing like crazy every morning this week, and have begun wondering if I have some allergies??? Anyway, he said if I still have the cough in a month, we can do chest X-rays just to make sure, but at this point, he is not at all alarmed. That makes me feel so much better!
One of the challenges with this is that it's hard to find the line between being "aware of my 'new' body" and "hypochondriac." I don't know where the line is! But it was a relief to hear that the Dr. wasn't alarmed about a cough that has hung on for 4 weeks. Whew!
In other random thoughts:
My chemo-brain is getting better. My calling--that I DO NOT love---forces me to try to think through things. I sometimes get "stuck" and can't think what to do next. But I think the process of having to think it through is helping me to re-learn. Seems silly, but it's real. I can see that I am making slow progress.
I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. By that I mean, I am beginning to realize that there really CAN be life after cancer! The further out I get, the more I realize that I could possibly have a future. It feels great! Here's hoping my future ends up being cancer-free!!!!!
I heard on the radio that 1/3 of all women will develop some type of cancer in their lifetime, and 1/2 of men. Wow---I didn't realize it was that high. Sad.
Well, I better get my kids and myself ready for bed. One change I have noticed is that I seem to need a lot more sleep now than I did before. I don't know why. Good night everyone!
Monday, May 25, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted, and there's a lot to say!
First, I had a great opportunity April 27-May 1 to go to Yellowstone to chaperone my daughter's school class to Expedition Yellowstone! It was awesome---I learned SO much and it was all so interesting. But the best part was being able to spend time with my daughter. Loved it, and would go again in a heartbeat!
My dad got his pathology results back. It looks like the cancer WAS indeed all contained within the prostate---no radiation or other treatments needed. The recovery was rougher than he anticipated, but he's doing well. Just hating all the residual effects (meaning the changes that are a natural result of having had the surgery.) I understand . . . these medical things are hard on a person's dignity. Sometimes I still, even a year later, just wish I could have my old body back, cancer free, of course. But I am so grateful to be blessed as I have, and so grateful that he has done as well as he has.
The lady in my ward is hanging in there. She hasn't started chemo yet. I want to help her in any way I can---to pay forward the things so many others did for me.
Today is Memorial Day. It has been the best Memorial Day I remember ever having. My dad's first cousin was killed in action in Vietnam, 45 years ago today. I have grown up hearing about him--and have always felt sad and had a great respect for him and for what he did. Well, 10 years ago today (was it really that long ago?), his best friend and Platoon Sergeant contacted a Bishop living here, hoping to make contact with any of the family that remained here. In some ways, his being able to even get hold of the Bishop was a miracle, and the other miracle was that this Bishop happened to be an "old timer" who had personal knowledge of the family, and was able to get the right information to the family so they could make contact. His buddy has, of course, suffered from PTSD, and it took him a long time to be emotionally able to make the contact (he said he had that phone number for 2 years before he was finally able to bring himself to make the call.) He came up here and visited then, and the contact has healed both sides. I didn't meet him then, but heard about him. He has committed to come up every 5 years. Well, a few days ago, I found out there was going to be a BBQ with the family and with him, and that all family members that were interested were invited to go. I had some last minute complications come up, and thought I wouldn't be able to go, and I was so disappointed I cried and cried. And prayed. And, miracles happened, and I was able to go. It was a fantastic experience. I learned things about my extended family I hadn't known, and gained an appreciation for them. I "got to know" my dad's cousin, and my respect for him grew even more. I heard, from the mouth of his friend, who was trying to get to him when he died, exactly how it happened. I think the most tell-tale thing was when his best friend said, "We were both married. We weren't the same faith, but we both lived our faith. We both lived the way we believed." That told me more about who he was than anything else. Family members asked questions, and he answered them. It was phenomenal---a true privilege. I also met, for the first time, his daughter. She was 20 months old at the time of his death. Last night there was a fireside for the youth, friends, and family, where his friend spoke again. It was again, wonderful, and I was able to hear and see how other people I have grown up with and respected were affected---and still are affected---by his life and this event. I KNOW that there was direction coming from the other side of the veil, bringing all these things together, and giving comfort and healing where it was needed. I never knew him, and yet, the knowledge of this event has been a part of our family's story--our history---and so it has had a profound effect upon me. I got closure this weekend that I never even knew I needed. Like I said, it was absolutely PHENOMENAL. I also realized how important each of we "ordinary" people are. We all touch far more lives than we will ever know. And so, on this Memorial Day, I say, "Please thank a veteran. Please think of those who sacrificed for the freedoms that we and others enjoy. Our country has some issues, true---but God intended for us to be free, and people paid the price to make and keep it that way. God Bless America!"
In other news (not so happy), I have had a cough since right after I got back from Yellowstone. I have hoped it would go away, but it has been pretty persistent. I just left a message at my oncologist's office, asking what we should do next. The fear, of course, is that the cancer has come back and lodged in my lung. I cannot even express how much I long for my former naivete. I wish so badly I could just go back to being "innocently unconcerned" about each pain and twinge. But I can't. My "new normal" won't allow it. I hope there is nothing wrong, but I guess if there is, I will just do the best I can. I still believe that God has a plan for me, and I guess I will just have to have faith and wait and watch to see what His plan is. But, boy, it is not easy.
Well, I had better get going so I can go to bed. I am planning to go on my son's field trip with his class tomorrow. I want to be as active and involved as I can with my family, because no one ever really knows what the future will hold. For today, I feel good and can walk and hike and be active. I want to enjoy that as long as I can. I need to get a good night's sleep, so Good Night!
Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted, and there's a lot to say!
First, I had a great opportunity April 27-May 1 to go to Yellowstone to chaperone my daughter's school class to Expedition Yellowstone! It was awesome---I learned SO much and it was all so interesting. But the best part was being able to spend time with my daughter. Loved it, and would go again in a heartbeat!
My dad got his pathology results back. It looks like the cancer WAS indeed all contained within the prostate---no radiation or other treatments needed. The recovery was rougher than he anticipated, but he's doing well. Just hating all the residual effects (meaning the changes that are a natural result of having had the surgery.) I understand . . . these medical things are hard on a person's dignity. Sometimes I still, even a year later, just wish I could have my old body back, cancer free, of course. But I am so grateful to be blessed as I have, and so grateful that he has done as well as he has.
The lady in my ward is hanging in there. She hasn't started chemo yet. I want to help her in any way I can---to pay forward the things so many others did for me.
Today is Memorial Day. It has been the best Memorial Day I remember ever having. My dad's first cousin was killed in action in Vietnam, 45 years ago today. I have grown up hearing about him--and have always felt sad and had a great respect for him and for what he did. Well, 10 years ago today (was it really that long ago?), his best friend and Platoon Sergeant contacted a Bishop living here, hoping to make contact with any of the family that remained here. In some ways, his being able to even get hold of the Bishop was a miracle, and the other miracle was that this Bishop happened to be an "old timer" who had personal knowledge of the family, and was able to get the right information to the family so they could make contact. His buddy has, of course, suffered from PTSD, and it took him a long time to be emotionally able to make the contact (he said he had that phone number for 2 years before he was finally able to bring himself to make the call.) He came up here and visited then, and the contact has healed both sides. I didn't meet him then, but heard about him. He has committed to come up every 5 years. Well, a few days ago, I found out there was going to be a BBQ with the family and with him, and that all family members that were interested were invited to go. I had some last minute complications come up, and thought I wouldn't be able to go, and I was so disappointed I cried and cried. And prayed. And, miracles happened, and I was able to go. It was a fantastic experience. I learned things about my extended family I hadn't known, and gained an appreciation for them. I "got to know" my dad's cousin, and my respect for him grew even more. I heard, from the mouth of his friend, who was trying to get to him when he died, exactly how it happened. I think the most tell-tale thing was when his best friend said, "We were both married. We weren't the same faith, but we both lived our faith. We both lived the way we believed." That told me more about who he was than anything else. Family members asked questions, and he answered them. It was phenomenal---a true privilege. I also met, for the first time, his daughter. She was 20 months old at the time of his death. Last night there was a fireside for the youth, friends, and family, where his friend spoke again. It was again, wonderful, and I was able to hear and see how other people I have grown up with and respected were affected---and still are affected---by his life and this event. I KNOW that there was direction coming from the other side of the veil, bringing all these things together, and giving comfort and healing where it was needed. I never knew him, and yet, the knowledge of this event has been a part of our family's story--our history---and so it has had a profound effect upon me. I got closure this weekend that I never even knew I needed. Like I said, it was absolutely PHENOMENAL. I also realized how important each of we "ordinary" people are. We all touch far more lives than we will ever know. And so, on this Memorial Day, I say, "Please thank a veteran. Please think of those who sacrificed for the freedoms that we and others enjoy. Our country has some issues, true---but God intended for us to be free, and people paid the price to make and keep it that way. God Bless America!"
In other news (not so happy), I have had a cough since right after I got back from Yellowstone. I have hoped it would go away, but it has been pretty persistent. I just left a message at my oncologist's office, asking what we should do next. The fear, of course, is that the cancer has come back and lodged in my lung. I cannot even express how much I long for my former naivete. I wish so badly I could just go back to being "innocently unconcerned" about each pain and twinge. But I can't. My "new normal" won't allow it. I hope there is nothing wrong, but I guess if there is, I will just do the best I can. I still believe that God has a plan for me, and I guess I will just have to have faith and wait and watch to see what His plan is. But, boy, it is not easy.
Well, I had better get going so I can go to bed. I am planning to go on my son's field trip with his class tomorrow. I want to be as active and involved as I can with my family, because no one ever really knows what the future will hold. For today, I feel good and can walk and hike and be active. I want to enjoy that as long as I can. I need to get a good night's sleep, so Good Night!
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Sometimes I am amazed as I see things unfold. Life has a lot of little coincidences, and it's amazing when I am able to look back and see that some of them weren't coincidental at all . . .
I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but in December, a member of our bishopric (Brother Wells) was talking to me and he asked me if I would talk at a 5th Sunday meeting sometime in the future about the things I have learned through this delightful breast cancer experience. In hindsight, it seems like he hadn't "pre-planned" to ask me; it seems it just came to him then, though I don't know for sure about that, of course. I do remember him saying he needed to ask the bishop and get back to me. I told him I really had no desire to do it, but I felt like Heavenly Father expects us to try to help each other, so I would talk . . . I guess. He later talked to the bishop and got approval. During the "waiting time" I began jotting down thoughts, etc, in preparation for that future event.
Fast forward to March, when there was a 5th Sunday coming up. As anticipated, I was asked to speak. As I was preparing, I kept thinking about talking about medical stuff--do your exams, what to look for, etc. As I was preparing, I kept trying to take that part of my talk out, feeling it wasn't super-appropriate to include it in a 5th Sunday meeting, with the youth there, BESIDES which, I don't have any real medical training, and so I don't really feel that I am qualified. I wondered if we should just do an Enrichment on breast cancer instead, but concluded that since they are generally poorly attended, that might not really help get the word out to the women. I also realized (sorry to be graphic) that men really do need to know this--sometimes they are the ones that notice there's a problem with their wife. I was really stewing about this. One day, a week or so before I was to speak, Brother Wells caught me in the hall at church, and asked me how the preparations were going. I told him I was working on it, told him my problem, and then asked if it would be ok if I talked a little about the medical angle. He said he thought so, and the bishop, who had just come up behind him, said he thought so, too.
So, I prepared . . . I tried to think of which medical things I SHOULD say, and which things I SHOULDN'T say. It was hard, and it was nerve-wracking. I gave the 5th Sunday talk, even the squirmy, uncomfortable parts about the medical stuff, and didn't think another thing about it . . . I was just glad to be done!
Last Thursday evening, my visiting teaching partner stopped by, but I wasn't home. So, when I got home, I called to see what she needed. She told me that there was a lady in our ward that was there that day who had just found out she had breast cancer. The next day, I took her some flowers and visited with her. She told me she had been a bit uncomfortable with the medical part of my talk (I think everyone was!) but had, one week later (on Easter Sunday) decided she should do an exam. She found a lump, which turned out to be cancerous. She had surgery yesterday. She doesn't know her treatment plan yet, but it will include chemo.
This morning, as I have been thinking about the events up to this point, I am realizing how many things that I thought were "coincidence" that are not. Brother Wells just "happened" to think of asking me to speak. I just "couldn't" leave out that uncomfortable medical part, even though I kept trying to re-write my talk without it. This morning, I have been trying to think of how I can best help her through this experience---how I can pay it forward---and all of a sudden, something I saw just last week that may be of help came to my mind. Coincidence? I don't think so.
I won't be publishing this post right away. At this point, this lady is still trying to keep a low profile, as she grapples with the news. I understand--I've been there! But when it's common knowledge--it WILL go viral--I'll post it. And I am going to try my very hardest to pay it forward--to help her as others have helped me.
Sunday, April 26th
I can post now; I've heard it from other sources. And, as I am usually the very last to hear about anything, I'm sure I can safely assume it is common knowledge now.
In other news, my dad had surgery for his prostate cancer on Friday. The MRI they did on Wednesday showed that the cancer went to the very edge of the prostate; they were hopeful that it had not spread beyond. Pathology results will take a week, so we don't know any more yet.
Gotta run---I have a Primary lesson to prepare!
Sometimes I am amazed as I see things unfold. Life has a lot of little coincidences, and it's amazing when I am able to look back and see that some of them weren't coincidental at all . . .
I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but in December, a member of our bishopric (Brother Wells) was talking to me and he asked me if I would talk at a 5th Sunday meeting sometime in the future about the things I have learned through this delightful breast cancer experience. In hindsight, it seems like he hadn't "pre-planned" to ask me; it seems it just came to him then, though I don't know for sure about that, of course. I do remember him saying he needed to ask the bishop and get back to me. I told him I really had no desire to do it, but I felt like Heavenly Father expects us to try to help each other, so I would talk . . . I guess. He later talked to the bishop and got approval. During the "waiting time" I began jotting down thoughts, etc, in preparation for that future event.
Fast forward to March, when there was a 5th Sunday coming up. As anticipated, I was asked to speak. As I was preparing, I kept thinking about talking about medical stuff--do your exams, what to look for, etc. As I was preparing, I kept trying to take that part of my talk out, feeling it wasn't super-appropriate to include it in a 5th Sunday meeting, with the youth there, BESIDES which, I don't have any real medical training, and so I don't really feel that I am qualified. I wondered if we should just do an Enrichment on breast cancer instead, but concluded that since they are generally poorly attended, that might not really help get the word out to the women. I also realized (sorry to be graphic) that men really do need to know this--sometimes they are the ones that notice there's a problem with their wife. I was really stewing about this. One day, a week or so before I was to speak, Brother Wells caught me in the hall at church, and asked me how the preparations were going. I told him I was working on it, told him my problem, and then asked if it would be ok if I talked a little about the medical angle. He said he thought so, and the bishop, who had just come up behind him, said he thought so, too.
So, I prepared . . . I tried to think of which medical things I SHOULD say, and which things I SHOULDN'T say. It was hard, and it was nerve-wracking. I gave the 5th Sunday talk, even the squirmy, uncomfortable parts about the medical stuff, and didn't think another thing about it . . . I was just glad to be done!
Last Thursday evening, my visiting teaching partner stopped by, but I wasn't home. So, when I got home, I called to see what she needed. She told me that there was a lady in our ward that was there that day who had just found out she had breast cancer. The next day, I took her some flowers and visited with her. She told me she had been a bit uncomfortable with the medical part of my talk (I think everyone was!) but had, one week later (on Easter Sunday) decided she should do an exam. She found a lump, which turned out to be cancerous. She had surgery yesterday. She doesn't know her treatment plan yet, but it will include chemo.
This morning, as I have been thinking about the events up to this point, I am realizing how many things that I thought were "coincidence" that are not. Brother Wells just "happened" to think of asking me to speak. I just "couldn't" leave out that uncomfortable medical part, even though I kept trying to re-write my talk without it. This morning, I have been trying to think of how I can best help her through this experience---how I can pay it forward---and all of a sudden, something I saw just last week that may be of help came to my mind. Coincidence? I don't think so.
I won't be publishing this post right away. At this point, this lady is still trying to keep a low profile, as she grapples with the news. I understand--I've been there! But when it's common knowledge--it WILL go viral--I'll post it. And I am going to try my very hardest to pay it forward--to help her as others have helped me.
Sunday, April 26th
I can post now; I've heard it from other sources. And, as I am usually the very last to hear about anything, I'm sure I can safely assume it is common knowledge now.
In other news, my dad had surgery for his prostate cancer on Friday. The MRI they did on Wednesday showed that the cancer went to the very edge of the prostate; they were hopeful that it had not spread beyond. Pathology results will take a week, so we don't know any more yet.
Gotta run---I have a Primary lesson to prepare!
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Thurs. April 16, 2015
Just checkin' in . . .
I had a mammogram a few weeks ago. Everything looked ok. Whew. Relief!
And yesterday, I went out to the Dr. to have an ultrasound. I keep feeling some hard "pinches" in my abdomen. The Dr. thinks my ovaries are trying to "wake up" but I really wanted to just MAKE SURE we weren't missing anything. Everything looks good. Again, relief!
I wonder how long it will be before I stop "looking over my shoulder" constantly? I don't want to be a hypochondriac, but I have to say, this has really made me so aware of how quickly things can change.
I am doing really well emotionally, now. I'm enjoying life--trying to squeeze out every bit of joy I can each day. What a blessing it is to be alive!!!
Just checkin' in . . .
I had a mammogram a few weeks ago. Everything looked ok. Whew. Relief!
And yesterday, I went out to the Dr. to have an ultrasound. I keep feeling some hard "pinches" in my abdomen. The Dr. thinks my ovaries are trying to "wake up" but I really wanted to just MAKE SURE we weren't missing anything. Everything looks good. Again, relief!
I wonder how long it will be before I stop "looking over my shoulder" constantly? I don't want to be a hypochondriac, but I have to say, this has really made me so aware of how quickly things can change.
I am doing really well emotionally, now. I'm enjoying life--trying to squeeze out every bit of joy I can each day. What a blessing it is to be alive!!!
Monday, April 6, 2015
Monday, April 6th
I made an April's Fools Breakfast for my kids on April Fool's Day.
The juice is real orange juice, but I added unflavored gelatin to make it "orange juice" jello. The "toast" is pound cake, buttered and toasted in a frying pan. The "egg white" is vanilla yogurt. The "egg yolk" is 1/2 apricot (canned.) Snicker. I'm not smart--I found it in a magazine, and decided to give it a whirl! It was kinda fun.
A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak about all the things I've learned from this whole breast cancer adventure at a 5th Sunday meeting in church. Most of the things I talked about, I have talked about in posts on here, so I'm not going to post my talk. It was actually a really hard talk to prepare . . . usually when I have been asked to talk in church, I have been given a topic, or a source to get my info from. Then I just go to those sources, or the scriptures, regurgitate what other people (smarter than myself, of course) have written, add my own comments and thoughts, and that's it! No worries. This one was harder--this one was "all me." I worried and fretted about whether the things I was preparing were "appropriate", "doctrinally correct", etc. I'm grateful it's over, and hope that in some way, something that I have learned can be of benefit to someone else.
Along that topic . . . this morning I had to take my kids to a medical appointment. When I got there, one of the people that works there quietly asked me if I knew about one of the women that works there. I said, "No." She then told me that because of my experience, they have all been diligent in doing their exams, having mammograms, etc. (One time when I was in there, I told them my symptoms and the shadow/dimpling that I saw that made me go to the Dr.) Well, she said that this lady was doing her exam in the mirror and saw a "shadowy" spot on the underside of her breast. She went to her Dr., and had a mammogram. She ended up having a biopsy, which came up positive. A few weeks ago, she underwent a double mastectomy. Her sentinal nodes were negative for cancerous cells, so she probably won't have to do chemo, and she won't have to do radiation. I don't know if the shadow is the reason she caught it, or if she would have caught it anyway, but I can honestly say, if my experience causes ONE woman to catch it earlier than I did, it will have been worth it. I am so glad she caught it early!!!!
There's another lady that lives here. She found her cancer in about November. She had a double mastectomy, and they didn't think she was going to have to do chemo. I just heard that she is doing chemo after all, and has been pretty sick. Poor lady. That stuff is brutal. I would like to do something nice for her, but I don't know what to do yet . . . or how to do it. I'll have to keep working on this one . . .
One other thing I would like to mention, that I talked about in my church talk. When I think about the story of Joseph (of Egypt), I often wonder what his thoughts were when he was sitting down in the bottom of a pit, when he was sold, and later, when he was sitting in prison after having chosen the RIGHT thing. Was he bitter? Did he wonder why things weren't working out? He had chosen the right, after all! Did he know how things were going to work out? WE know the end of that story, and can see how it all fit into the "plan." But did he see that? Or did he just feel bitter, sad, or angry because things weren't working out right then?
One day, I was washing dishes. That's boring, so my mind was wandering. All of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, a phrase from my patriarchal blessing popped into my head. It was a part that had not previously been fulfilled. All of a sudden, I realized that it was in the process of being fulfilled, BECAUSE of this cancer experience. That happened again a few weeks later, with a different phrase. It was another witness that this whole mess was a necessary part of Heavenly Father's plan for me and for my family. I don't know why yet, and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that this learning opportunity was essential for our growth. Knowing that makes it easier to accept it and have faith in a loving Father regarding my family's future, whatever it holds.
I made an April's Fools Breakfast for my kids on April Fool's Day.
The juice is real orange juice, but I added unflavored gelatin to make it "orange juice" jello. The "toast" is pound cake, buttered and toasted in a frying pan. The "egg white" is vanilla yogurt. The "egg yolk" is 1/2 apricot (canned.) Snicker. I'm not smart--I found it in a magazine, and decided to give it a whirl! It was kinda fun.
A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak about all the things I've learned from this whole breast cancer adventure at a 5th Sunday meeting in church. Most of the things I talked about, I have talked about in posts on here, so I'm not going to post my talk. It was actually a really hard talk to prepare . . . usually when I have been asked to talk in church, I have been given a topic, or a source to get my info from. Then I just go to those sources, or the scriptures, regurgitate what other people (smarter than myself, of course) have written, add my own comments and thoughts, and that's it! No worries. This one was harder--this one was "all me." I worried and fretted about whether the things I was preparing were "appropriate", "doctrinally correct", etc. I'm grateful it's over, and hope that in some way, something that I have learned can be of benefit to someone else.
Along that topic . . . this morning I had to take my kids to a medical appointment. When I got there, one of the people that works there quietly asked me if I knew about one of the women that works there. I said, "No." She then told me that because of my experience, they have all been diligent in doing their exams, having mammograms, etc. (One time when I was in there, I told them my symptoms and the shadow/dimpling that I saw that made me go to the Dr.) Well, she said that this lady was doing her exam in the mirror and saw a "shadowy" spot on the underside of her breast. She went to her Dr., and had a mammogram. She ended up having a biopsy, which came up positive. A few weeks ago, she underwent a double mastectomy. Her sentinal nodes were negative for cancerous cells, so she probably won't have to do chemo, and she won't have to do radiation. I don't know if the shadow is the reason she caught it, or if she would have caught it anyway, but I can honestly say, if my experience causes ONE woman to catch it earlier than I did, it will have been worth it. I am so glad she caught it early!!!!
There's another lady that lives here. She found her cancer in about November. She had a double mastectomy, and they didn't think she was going to have to do chemo. I just heard that she is doing chemo after all, and has been pretty sick. Poor lady. That stuff is brutal. I would like to do something nice for her, but I don't know what to do yet . . . or how to do it. I'll have to keep working on this one . . .
One other thing I would like to mention, that I talked about in my church talk. When I think about the story of Joseph (of Egypt), I often wonder what his thoughts were when he was sitting down in the bottom of a pit, when he was sold, and later, when he was sitting in prison after having chosen the RIGHT thing. Was he bitter? Did he wonder why things weren't working out? He had chosen the right, after all! Did he know how things were going to work out? WE know the end of that story, and can see how it all fit into the "plan." But did he see that? Or did he just feel bitter, sad, or angry because things weren't working out right then?
One day, I was washing dishes. That's boring, so my mind was wandering. All of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, a phrase from my patriarchal blessing popped into my head. It was a part that had not previously been fulfilled. All of a sudden, I realized that it was in the process of being fulfilled, BECAUSE of this cancer experience. That happened again a few weeks later, with a different phrase. It was another witness that this whole mess was a necessary part of Heavenly Father's plan for me and for my family. I don't know why yet, and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that this learning opportunity was essential for our growth. Knowing that makes it easier to accept it and have faith in a loving Father regarding my family's future, whatever it holds.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Sat. March 14, 2015
Last night was a little bit of a payday. My oldest son is in a high school play, Peter Pan. Let me just say here that he doesn't have much acting experience . . . he was Santa Claus in a short, musical version of The Night Before Christmas, and last year he played two minor roles in The Wizard of Oz. So, I really had no idea that he had so much untapped talent. He plays Captain Hook. I sat in the audience and was pretty dang amazed. Loved it! So glad I'm still around to see it!
Last night was a little bit of a payday. My oldest son is in a high school play, Peter Pan. Let me just say here that he doesn't have much acting experience . . . he was Santa Claus in a short, musical version of The Night Before Christmas, and last year he played two minor roles in The Wizard of Oz. So, I really had no idea that he had so much untapped talent. He plays Captain Hook. I sat in the audience and was pretty dang amazed. Loved it! So glad I'm still around to see it!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Tuesday, March 10th
When I was growing up, my mom always told me that the world didn't revolve around me. (I really didn't understand what she meant by that . . .) Well, I just found out that she was wrong. It does! At least it does in my house, though not in the way she meant.
Yesterday was a frustrating day. It was busy, and all the late nights and early mornings and daylight saving time all compounded and caught up to me. That means all the "little things" that shouldn't have been a big deal were "big things." I was frustrated and exhausted. Nearly in meltdown, I went to bed early. In my exhaustion, I forgot to set my alarm.
Well, you know the rest of that story. I woke up this morning 5 minutes too late for my kids to catch their bus. Not 5 minutes later than usual . . . 5 minutes after the bus had gone by. None of my kid's alarms had rung, either, as luck would have it, and they were ALL still asleep, as was my husband. We rushed to get everyone ready, and they made it to school (on time, even!) but if I ever think that I'm not needed, all I need to do is just pull a stunt like that or try to "take a day off" and go somewhere!
I think it's probably ok to post this next part now, because I think the only people who read this blog are probably my family anyway---I've been trying to respect the privacy of others by letting them tell their own news and not spreading it around . . . A week ago, we found out that my dad has prostate cancer. The Dr. thinks---and we hope and pray---that it is still pretty early. Prostate cancer is a slow-growing cancer--thus chemo is not an appropriate treatment. His treatment options are: 1. Surgery 2. Radiation 3. Hormone Therapy 4. Do nothing. Surgery is the preferred treatment option, especially if it is early enough that it hasn't spread beyond the prostate. If it has, they will need to follow up with radiation to try to kill it. Hormone therapy doesn't "kill" the cancer, but it slows it's spread. It isn't a good option for anyone that wishes to live a long time more. And doing nothing means the cancer would keep growing---albeit slowly---until it spread through the body and took the man's life.
They can't do the surgery until 6 weeks after the biopsy, because of risk of infection. So, Dad is scheduled for surgery next month. We will know a lot more then, after they get in there and see exactly how far it has spread.
Yesterday afternoon I was talking with the sweet lady who was my visiting teacher while I was going through chemo. (She has since been moved to a different route. :-( ) She substitute teaches in seminary sometimes, and she was telling me about a conversation they had in class the other day. My oldest son was in the class, and they were talking about trials and looking for the good. She told me some of the things she had talked about, and some of the comments my son had made. One of the comments he made was that the trials you have prepare you for things that happen later in your life--including other trials later. I know he was referring to the news that my dad has cancer---he really loves and respects his grandpa.
I think about how traumatic the whole idea of cancer was for all of us a year ago, and I look at how we are handling my dad's now, and I realize that we all really HAVE grown. We worry, of course, and we pray, but we aren't totally freaked out like we would have been a year ago--we are handling it. We know and understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. Death is part of that plan, and while we hope and pray that LIFE will be the outcome, we know that even if it doesn't turn out that way, it will be o.k.
I found out on Sunday that a lady I know that lives here passed away. She was a real fighter---she had cancer 3 times, and also had a bout of septic shock that she survived. I ran into her in the grocery store in Idaho Falls last fall when I was out doing radiation. At that time, she had just found out that her cancer had returned---we were joking around about hair---my lack thereof and her barely-hanging-on-hair. At that point, she was trying to keep it as long as she could. She was a good lady; she showed me how to stick with it in the midst of adversity. I'm sad that she's gone---but I'm so glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I hope and pray that her family will find peace at this time.
Well, my little boy is poking me with a toy bow and arrow--he wants me to help him shoot it, so I guess I better get going. Break's over! Like I said, it feels like the world does revolve around me in this house!
When I was growing up, my mom always told me that the world didn't revolve around me. (I really didn't understand what she meant by that . . .) Well, I just found out that she was wrong. It does! At least it does in my house, though not in the way she meant.
Yesterday was a frustrating day. It was busy, and all the late nights and early mornings and daylight saving time all compounded and caught up to me. That means all the "little things" that shouldn't have been a big deal were "big things." I was frustrated and exhausted. Nearly in meltdown, I went to bed early. In my exhaustion, I forgot to set my alarm.
Well, you know the rest of that story. I woke up this morning 5 minutes too late for my kids to catch their bus. Not 5 minutes later than usual . . . 5 minutes after the bus had gone by. None of my kid's alarms had rung, either, as luck would have it, and they were ALL still asleep, as was my husband. We rushed to get everyone ready, and they made it to school (on time, even!) but if I ever think that I'm not needed, all I need to do is just pull a stunt like that or try to "take a day off" and go somewhere!
I think it's probably ok to post this next part now, because I think the only people who read this blog are probably my family anyway---I've been trying to respect the privacy of others by letting them tell their own news and not spreading it around . . . A week ago, we found out that my dad has prostate cancer. The Dr. thinks---and we hope and pray---that it is still pretty early. Prostate cancer is a slow-growing cancer--thus chemo is not an appropriate treatment. His treatment options are: 1. Surgery 2. Radiation 3. Hormone Therapy 4. Do nothing. Surgery is the preferred treatment option, especially if it is early enough that it hasn't spread beyond the prostate. If it has, they will need to follow up with radiation to try to kill it. Hormone therapy doesn't "kill" the cancer, but it slows it's spread. It isn't a good option for anyone that wishes to live a long time more. And doing nothing means the cancer would keep growing---albeit slowly---until it spread through the body and took the man's life.
They can't do the surgery until 6 weeks after the biopsy, because of risk of infection. So, Dad is scheduled for surgery next month. We will know a lot more then, after they get in there and see exactly how far it has spread.
Yesterday afternoon I was talking with the sweet lady who was my visiting teacher while I was going through chemo. (She has since been moved to a different route. :-( ) She substitute teaches in seminary sometimes, and she was telling me about a conversation they had in class the other day. My oldest son was in the class, and they were talking about trials and looking for the good. She told me some of the things she had talked about, and some of the comments my son had made. One of the comments he made was that the trials you have prepare you for things that happen later in your life--including other trials later. I know he was referring to the news that my dad has cancer---he really loves and respects his grandpa.
I think about how traumatic the whole idea of cancer was for all of us a year ago, and I look at how we are handling my dad's now, and I realize that we all really HAVE grown. We worry, of course, and we pray, but we aren't totally freaked out like we would have been a year ago--we are handling it. We know and understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. Death is part of that plan, and while we hope and pray that LIFE will be the outcome, we know that even if it doesn't turn out that way, it will be o.k.
I found out on Sunday that a lady I know that lives here passed away. She was a real fighter---she had cancer 3 times, and also had a bout of septic shock that she survived. I ran into her in the grocery store in Idaho Falls last fall when I was out doing radiation. At that time, she had just found out that her cancer had returned---we were joking around about hair---my lack thereof and her barely-hanging-on-hair. At that point, she was trying to keep it as long as she could. She was a good lady; she showed me how to stick with it in the midst of adversity. I'm sad that she's gone---but I'm so glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I hope and pray that her family will find peace at this time.
Well, my little boy is poking me with a toy bow and arrow--he wants me to help him shoot it, so I guess I better get going. Break's over! Like I said, it feels like the world does revolve around me in this house!
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Saturday, March 7, 2015
I think I probably picked the absolute worst time to sit down and type. Tonight is "spring forward." Groan. This is the only night of the year that I wish I lived in Arizona.
I have been intending to get on here and write for a long time, but holy, moly! I'm so dang busy these days!
Mentally, I have made a whole lot of progress this last month. I still have my moments of fear--mainly when I feel pain---but they are becoming very rare, and overall, I'm moving on quite well. I still need to be vigilant, of course, but I have really made progress.
I had my first "haircut" the other day. It was just shaggy and unruly, so I went in for a little trim. There wasn't much to trim off--just one-quarter to one-half of an inch. The cosmetologist just trimmed the sides around my ears and the back, shaped it so it wasn't so shaggy, and she also trimmed the top just a bit so it was even. It lays a lot nicer, although I am on an adventure for sure!!!! My hair is curly! (It wasn't curly before!) But, I can see I'm going to have to plan on getting my hair cut regularly---before the trim, I had an Afro. (Is that the real name of a haircut, or is it a politically incorrect racial slur? It sounds like it could be the latter . . . if it is, I apologize profusely. I mean no offense---I just have never heard another name for that type of hairstyle.) Anyhow, it was getting kind of round on top, though it wasn't too long yet. It is a real change---we will see what happens as it gets longer and heavier . . .
I am also working on my bucket list---both making and working on crossing off. I guess I had always assumed I would live to be about 100, give or take. I don't know why. I just never thought I would die young. Now, I have had a wake-up call.
One of the things I learned through this experience is that we all need to make sure we are spending time on the things that matter most. When I leave this life (hopefully later, rather than sooner) the ONLY things I will take with me are the things I have learned, the character I have become---whether positive or negative, and the relationships I have with others. That's it. So I better be really sure that I am spending my time on the things that matter most---yes, we do need to take care of our bodies, work so we have money for the things we need, etc. But it's all a balancing act, and if we want to avoid regrets, we need to make sure the things we are doing are important to someone's welfare (self included)---either mentally, spiritually, physically, etc.
With all that being said, I am realizing I need to begin working on my bucket list NOW, and I need to not assume I will have the opportunity when my kids are raised and gone. However (back to that balancing act) there are things I am NOT willing to do now, because they aren't important to anyone's welfare, and they will take too much time away from my family, which is my very most important role--mother and wife. (This is a soapbox of mine. Lucky for you all, I'm tired, so I won't get on it tonight.) So, I'm working on the little things. Funny, though . . . when I wasn't writing my bucket list down or trying to accomplish anything that was on it, it was a pretty short list in my head. Now, it just keeps getting longer, and longer, and longer . . . Oh, well. I'm working on the little things---and enjoying them!
I can't yet say I'm glad I had cancer. I think it's too soon for that. But I think about who I was a year ago, and I can see some growth in myself. I think I'm a better person, in many ways, because of the experience. I am grateful for that growth and hope I can take the things I have learned and use them to benefit myself, my family, friends, community, etc.
Now, I have to tell a funny story to end this post. About a month ago, my husband realized that he isn't as young as he used to be . . . and realized that retirement age is going to sneak up on us a whole lot faster than we ever imagined (assuming, of course, that we live that long.) So, we decided we should get some retirement accounts started---even if we can only contribute a little, it's better than nothing! We went and met with a financial planner guy. After we set everything up, he asked about our life insurance, and asked if we needed to review it to make sure we had adequate coverage. Turning to my husband, he said, "You seem healthy. You could probably get this [referring to the cheapest plan that only really healthy people can get]."
My husband said, "No, I don't think so, I have a few health problems." He then proceeded to describe them.
Then the planner turned to me, "How much [life insurance] do you have?"
I told him what I have.
"Maybe we should see if we can get a little more on you."
To which I replied, "Ummm. I don't really think they would issue me a policy."
He seemed a little surprised. "Why not?"
"Well, I'm a cancer survivor."
"Oh, really? How long ago?"
"I just finished radiation in November."
(Turning away from the computer screen, in a way that reminded me of someone shutting a book), "Oh, well, I guess it's a good thing you have that policy in place!"
I was not offended---I thought it was hilarious!!!! I had to work on it not to laugh out loud.
Hopefully my family won't be needing that policy! :-)
I think I probably picked the absolute worst time to sit down and type. Tonight is "spring forward." Groan. This is the only night of the year that I wish I lived in Arizona.
I have been intending to get on here and write for a long time, but holy, moly! I'm so dang busy these days!
Mentally, I have made a whole lot of progress this last month. I still have my moments of fear--mainly when I feel pain---but they are becoming very rare, and overall, I'm moving on quite well. I still need to be vigilant, of course, but I have really made progress.
I had my first "haircut" the other day. It was just shaggy and unruly, so I went in for a little trim. There wasn't much to trim off--just one-quarter to one-half of an inch. The cosmetologist just trimmed the sides around my ears and the back, shaped it so it wasn't so shaggy, and she also trimmed the top just a bit so it was even. It lays a lot nicer, although I am on an adventure for sure!!!! My hair is curly! (It wasn't curly before!) But, I can see I'm going to have to plan on getting my hair cut regularly---before the trim, I had an Afro. (Is that the real name of a haircut, or is it a politically incorrect racial slur? It sounds like it could be the latter . . . if it is, I apologize profusely. I mean no offense---I just have never heard another name for that type of hairstyle.) Anyhow, it was getting kind of round on top, though it wasn't too long yet. It is a real change---we will see what happens as it gets longer and heavier . . .
I am also working on my bucket list---both making and working on crossing off. I guess I had always assumed I would live to be about 100, give or take. I don't know why. I just never thought I would die young. Now, I have had a wake-up call.
One of the things I learned through this experience is that we all need to make sure we are spending time on the things that matter most. When I leave this life (hopefully later, rather than sooner) the ONLY things I will take with me are the things I have learned, the character I have become---whether positive or negative, and the relationships I have with others. That's it. So I better be really sure that I am spending my time on the things that matter most---yes, we do need to take care of our bodies, work so we have money for the things we need, etc. But it's all a balancing act, and if we want to avoid regrets, we need to make sure the things we are doing are important to someone's welfare (self included)---either mentally, spiritually, physically, etc.
With all that being said, I am realizing I need to begin working on my bucket list NOW, and I need to not assume I will have the opportunity when my kids are raised and gone. However (back to that balancing act) there are things I am NOT willing to do now, because they aren't important to anyone's welfare, and they will take too much time away from my family, which is my very most important role--mother and wife. (This is a soapbox of mine. Lucky for you all, I'm tired, so I won't get on it tonight.) So, I'm working on the little things. Funny, though . . . when I wasn't writing my bucket list down or trying to accomplish anything that was on it, it was a pretty short list in my head. Now, it just keeps getting longer, and longer, and longer . . . Oh, well. I'm working on the little things---and enjoying them!
I can't yet say I'm glad I had cancer. I think it's too soon for that. But I think about who I was a year ago, and I can see some growth in myself. I think I'm a better person, in many ways, because of the experience. I am grateful for that growth and hope I can take the things I have learned and use them to benefit myself, my family, friends, community, etc.
Now, I have to tell a funny story to end this post. About a month ago, my husband realized that he isn't as young as he used to be . . . and realized that retirement age is going to sneak up on us a whole lot faster than we ever imagined (assuming, of course, that we live that long.) So, we decided we should get some retirement accounts started---even if we can only contribute a little, it's better than nothing! We went and met with a financial planner guy. After we set everything up, he asked about our life insurance, and asked if we needed to review it to make sure we had adequate coverage. Turning to my husband, he said, "You seem healthy. You could probably get this [referring to the cheapest plan that only really healthy people can get]."
My husband said, "No, I don't think so, I have a few health problems." He then proceeded to describe them.
Then the planner turned to me, "How much [life insurance] do you have?"
I told him what I have.
"Maybe we should see if we can get a little more on you."
To which I replied, "Ummm. I don't really think they would issue me a policy."
He seemed a little surprised. "Why not?"
"Well, I'm a cancer survivor."
"Oh, really? How long ago?"
"I just finished radiation in November."
(Turning away from the computer screen, in a way that reminded me of someone shutting a book), "Oh, well, I guess it's a good thing you have that policy in place!"
I was not offended---I thought it was hilarious!!!! I had to work on it not to laugh out loud.
Hopefully my family won't be needing that policy! :-)
Friday, February 13, 2015
Friday, Feb. 13, 3015
Hmmmm. Just realized when I typed that, that it's Friday the 13th!
This week something interesting happened . . . to explain it, I really need to go back to mid-December. At that point, I had "evidence" that there was some fluid of some sort collecting in me. (Sorry, that was the least descriptive way I could say it.) Long story shorter, over the course of several days/weeks, I made several calls. I got the impression from my oncologists that they weren't really concerned about it, but that it wasn't "typical" either. I ended up in the surgeon's office in January, even though the "evidence" had abated, where he did an ultrasound. It showed a small pocket of fluid collecting in the surgical site, and he explained that after he did the lumpectomy, it left a large empty space, which is gradually filling up with tissue, but is still not completely healed. Radiation is really hard on tissue (that's why it works to kill cancer) and he thought the fluid was the result of the radiation-damaged tissue beginning to heal. (This made sense to me a few weeks ago when my son fell when he was out running and really skinned up his knee. The injury was weeping a transparent yellowish fluid the first few days as it began to heal.)
At the end of January or first part of Feb, it all started up again. I can't really explain how much it freaks me out to have stuff leaking out of me. I asked my husband and mom (who had been the extra sets of ears at my appointment, since my memory isn't so great) what the Dr. had said, and both of them thought they remembered hearing that it might start again, so I just waited and watched. Well, on Monday, the floodgates opened; that really freaked me out. So I called the surgeon again, and he squeezed me in on Wed.---even though his schedule was full, he didn't want me to wait because he was afraid it would stop before the appointment, which is what happened last time. He repeated the ultrasound, and that same little pocket of fluid was there--he believes it begins to drain when the pressure builds up inside, which is why it starts and stops so randomly. He wanted to drain the pocket--here's the cool part---so, guided by ultrasound, he stuck a needle/syringe through the side of my breast into the pocket of fluid and sucked it out. It was the weirdest thing to watch on ultrasound---that black round spot on the screen just collapsed, at the same time I heard a weird sucking sound. It was morbidly fascinating. He wants me to go back in a month, as he would like to keep an eye on it. I'm getting the idea that this is not "typical", but not necessarily "abnormal" either. I'm grateful he is "taking me seriously" and is following up. It gives me more peace of mind.
The reason I bring this all up is that having things like this happen makes it very difficult to "move on." As much as I am trying to move on, live my life, and enjoy each day, the worry is ever present. It is one of those things that is always in the back of my head, constantly. I am working to find a balance between being vigilant and watchful, but still trying to have faith in the Lord's plan, move on and live my life to the fullest. It is a delicate balancing act. I am sure this will just take time.
Something funny happened the other night. In order for it to make sense(ish), I have to give a little background. I don't remember much of the last year--it's pretty much a blur. So, I called the Dr. to see if my youngest child's immunizations were up to date. They would have been, but alas, his Hepatitis A shot was given a bit too early, making it invalid. Annoying, right? So, I've been thinking "9 days. How big of a deal is that, really?" It has been on my "to-do" list to try to figure out what to do about it. There's the background.
So, the other night, I guess I was dreaming, though I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I woke myself up when I said aloud, "But I don't HAVE Hepatitis!!!"
It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone around Christmas. A few years ago, he had some health problems showing up, but diagnosis was proving to be very tricky. He went to several different doctors, and had tons of tests, etc. He told me that one night, his wife heard him say in his sleep "I promise, I'm not faking it!"
I think these things are so tell-tale about what we are worrying about and experiencing! I see that I have a need for "normalcy", whatever that is. Needless to say, yesterday my little boy got a Hep A shot.
Hmmmm. Just realized when I typed that, that it's Friday the 13th!
This week something interesting happened . . . to explain it, I really need to go back to mid-December. At that point, I had "evidence" that there was some fluid of some sort collecting in me. (Sorry, that was the least descriptive way I could say it.) Long story shorter, over the course of several days/weeks, I made several calls. I got the impression from my oncologists that they weren't really concerned about it, but that it wasn't "typical" either. I ended up in the surgeon's office in January, even though the "evidence" had abated, where he did an ultrasound. It showed a small pocket of fluid collecting in the surgical site, and he explained that after he did the lumpectomy, it left a large empty space, which is gradually filling up with tissue, but is still not completely healed. Radiation is really hard on tissue (that's why it works to kill cancer) and he thought the fluid was the result of the radiation-damaged tissue beginning to heal. (This made sense to me a few weeks ago when my son fell when he was out running and really skinned up his knee. The injury was weeping a transparent yellowish fluid the first few days as it began to heal.)
At the end of January or first part of Feb, it all started up again. I can't really explain how much it freaks me out to have stuff leaking out of me. I asked my husband and mom (who had been the extra sets of ears at my appointment, since my memory isn't so great) what the Dr. had said, and both of them thought they remembered hearing that it might start again, so I just waited and watched. Well, on Monday, the floodgates opened; that really freaked me out. So I called the surgeon again, and he squeezed me in on Wed.---even though his schedule was full, he didn't want me to wait because he was afraid it would stop before the appointment, which is what happened last time. He repeated the ultrasound, and that same little pocket of fluid was there--he believes it begins to drain when the pressure builds up inside, which is why it starts and stops so randomly. He wanted to drain the pocket--here's the cool part---so, guided by ultrasound, he stuck a needle/syringe through the side of my breast into the pocket of fluid and sucked it out. It was the weirdest thing to watch on ultrasound---that black round spot on the screen just collapsed, at the same time I heard a weird sucking sound. It was morbidly fascinating. He wants me to go back in a month, as he would like to keep an eye on it. I'm getting the idea that this is not "typical", but not necessarily "abnormal" either. I'm grateful he is "taking me seriously" and is following up. It gives me more peace of mind.
The reason I bring this all up is that having things like this happen makes it very difficult to "move on." As much as I am trying to move on, live my life, and enjoy each day, the worry is ever present. It is one of those things that is always in the back of my head, constantly. I am working to find a balance between being vigilant and watchful, but still trying to have faith in the Lord's plan, move on and live my life to the fullest. It is a delicate balancing act. I am sure this will just take time.
Something funny happened the other night. In order for it to make sense(ish), I have to give a little background. I don't remember much of the last year--it's pretty much a blur. So, I called the Dr. to see if my youngest child's immunizations were up to date. They would have been, but alas, his Hepatitis A shot was given a bit too early, making it invalid. Annoying, right? So, I've been thinking "9 days. How big of a deal is that, really?" It has been on my "to-do" list to try to figure out what to do about it. There's the background.
So, the other night, I guess I was dreaming, though I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I woke myself up when I said aloud, "But I don't HAVE Hepatitis!!!"
It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone around Christmas. A few years ago, he had some health problems showing up, but diagnosis was proving to be very tricky. He went to several different doctors, and had tons of tests, etc. He told me that one night, his wife heard him say in his sleep "I promise, I'm not faking it!"
I think these things are so tell-tale about what we are worrying about and experiencing! I see that I have a need for "normalcy", whatever that is. Needless to say, yesterday my little boy got a Hep A shot.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Wed., Feb. 4th, 2015
I've had a lot of thoughts this last few weeks that I thought I would share, only now I can't remember them. Welcome to a day in my life! I can't even believe how scatter-brained I am!!!
I am doing a lot better with getting my head wrapped around everything. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I have had a hard time. When there's something that is traumatic--a crisis of sorts---I always buckle down and do what I have to during the crisis, and then afterward when it's over, the trauma of it all hits me and I have a lot to process.
I pray daily that the cancer won't return, or if it does, that we will be able to catch it before it has spread to my lungs or liver or anywhere else. The Dr. told me that is pretty much impossible, and I'm sure that's true, because now I don't even have lymph nodes to filter it out and catch it. But with God nothing is impossible. He will have things be the way He wants them to be. I pray that I will be strong enough to accept His will, even if it's not what I want.
It is nice to be getting back to "normal." All things considered, I think my family has weathered this quite well. My kids have done remarkably well, but they have emotional needs that I have not been able to meet as well as I would have liked during this past year. It feels so nice to be getting back to trying to help them to grow. Some of that process involves discipline---I don't love that part as much, but it is necessary for their learning and growth. This is a little bit of a soapbox of mine, but I think it is so important to not shield our kids from struggle, and especially from consequences. I've been guilty of that more times than I want to admit, sorry to say, and I have learned from it. We need to find that delicate balance between letting kids get hurt and learn from their own mistakes, but still "be in their corner", and help them with the problems they encounter. It feels good to be able to be working on all that.
My hair is looking like it just might come in kind of curly! It's sticking out in ways it never used to, and the top is curling a little. It's about an inch long now . . . we will see what happens next. I'm not exactly sure what to do with curly hair, but it should be an adventure. I'm happy to have the opportunity to figure it out.
It also came in really, really gray! My husband was giving me a really hard time about that--even though he's 5 years older than me, I have way more gray hair than he does. I just glared at him and said, "Do you know what I have just been through? I have earned EVERY ONE of those gray hairs!" And then I dyed it. Nothing a $5 box can't fix!!!
My husband bore his testimony in church on Sunday. He told about reading the kid's answers to my question about what they have learned, and that he "stalled" on answering the question. (Do I know him or what? Knew that's what he would do!) He talked about a few things he's learned, and I took notes . . . I will share some of them here.
He said he has learned how much the Lord loves him, and loves our family. He has been so thankful for the peace the Lord sends us in times of trial, and he testified that the Lord can and will send us that peace if we seek for it.
He talked about how the Lord can fill in the gaps between who we are, and who we need to be. That He helps us to be better than we are on our own.
He said he learned how great our ward is. We have received service in all forms--prayers, acts of selfless service, etc.
To all of his comments, I say "AMEN!" I agree with all he said. This has truly been a learning experience. Some days I wake up and think, "I wish I could just wake up and find out this was all a nightmare. I just want my old body back. I just want to not have to worry about it coming back, and I don't want to have to do the exercises that I have to do post surgery & radiation." But then I think of all the things I have learned and how much I have grown, and wonder if I really would choose to lose all that learning and growth. I don't know what I would choose if I truly had the choice---the jury's still out. But I am thankful for all the things I have learned from the struggle.
One thing is sure--good day or bad, I am just so glad to have it. My aunt was so right . . . "Every day is a gift from God."
I've had a lot of thoughts this last few weeks that I thought I would share, only now I can't remember them. Welcome to a day in my life! I can't even believe how scatter-brained I am!!!
I am doing a lot better with getting my head wrapped around everything. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I have had a hard time. When there's something that is traumatic--a crisis of sorts---I always buckle down and do what I have to during the crisis, and then afterward when it's over, the trauma of it all hits me and I have a lot to process.
I pray daily that the cancer won't return, or if it does, that we will be able to catch it before it has spread to my lungs or liver or anywhere else. The Dr. told me that is pretty much impossible, and I'm sure that's true, because now I don't even have lymph nodes to filter it out and catch it. But with God nothing is impossible. He will have things be the way He wants them to be. I pray that I will be strong enough to accept His will, even if it's not what I want.
It is nice to be getting back to "normal." All things considered, I think my family has weathered this quite well. My kids have done remarkably well, but they have emotional needs that I have not been able to meet as well as I would have liked during this past year. It feels so nice to be getting back to trying to help them to grow. Some of that process involves discipline---I don't love that part as much, but it is necessary for their learning and growth. This is a little bit of a soapbox of mine, but I think it is so important to not shield our kids from struggle, and especially from consequences. I've been guilty of that more times than I want to admit, sorry to say, and I have learned from it. We need to find that delicate balance between letting kids get hurt and learn from their own mistakes, but still "be in their corner", and help them with the problems they encounter. It feels good to be able to be working on all that.
My hair is looking like it just might come in kind of curly! It's sticking out in ways it never used to, and the top is curling a little. It's about an inch long now . . . we will see what happens next. I'm not exactly sure what to do with curly hair, but it should be an adventure. I'm happy to have the opportunity to figure it out.
It also came in really, really gray! My husband was giving me a really hard time about that--even though he's 5 years older than me, I have way more gray hair than he does. I just glared at him and said, "Do you know what I have just been through? I have earned EVERY ONE of those gray hairs!" And then I dyed it. Nothing a $5 box can't fix!!!
My husband bore his testimony in church on Sunday. He told about reading the kid's answers to my question about what they have learned, and that he "stalled" on answering the question. (Do I know him or what? Knew that's what he would do!) He talked about a few things he's learned, and I took notes . . . I will share some of them here.
He said he has learned how much the Lord loves him, and loves our family. He has been so thankful for the peace the Lord sends us in times of trial, and he testified that the Lord can and will send us that peace if we seek for it.
He talked about how the Lord can fill in the gaps between who we are, and who we need to be. That He helps us to be better than we are on our own.
He said he learned how great our ward is. We have received service in all forms--prayers, acts of selfless service, etc.
To all of his comments, I say "AMEN!" I agree with all he said. This has truly been a learning experience. Some days I wake up and think, "I wish I could just wake up and find out this was all a nightmare. I just want my old body back. I just want to not have to worry about it coming back, and I don't want to have to do the exercises that I have to do post surgery & radiation." But then I think of all the things I have learned and how much I have grown, and wonder if I really would choose to lose all that learning and growth. I don't know what I would choose if I truly had the choice---the jury's still out. But I am thankful for all the things I have learned from the struggle.
One thing is sure--good day or bad, I am just so glad to have it. My aunt was so right . . . "Every day is a gift from God."
Friday, January 16, 2015
Friday, January 16th,
Just sent this e-mail to my family--assuming I have correct e-mail addresses, so I thought I would post it here.
"Hi everyone,
I don't know who is interested and who isn't, but I thought I would send an update about my cancer situation . . . I just went to the Drs. yesterday and the day before.
I don't know who is interested and who isn't, but I thought I would send an update about my cancer situation . . . I just went to the Drs. yesterday and the day before.
So, the "active" part of my treatment is complete. I am now taking an anti-estrogen medication (the cancer was estrogen-dependent) and hoping it doesn't come back.
I will be doing annual mammograms. No CT scans, as they are only marginally helpful. The bad news is that if it does come back, it will be nearly impossible to catch before it has spread somewhere---lungs, liver, etc. The good news is that the chance that it WON'T come back is hovering around 80%, give or take. The really, really good news is that I have had Priesthood blessings, and though I don't know exactly how things are going to unfold, I feel good about my future. :-)
I will be seeing the Dr. every 3 months for the first 2 years, and watching like a hawk for anything that would indicate a problem--unexplained pain anywhere in my body that is persistent, or generally not feeling well (nausea, headache, etc.) On year 3, I begin seeing the Dr. every 4 months; with each year the frequency decreases. If I think something may be wrong, I schedule an "extra" visit, and we will do CT scans then to look for a problem. If the cancer does come back, it will most likely be within the next 5 years. I am going to get really good at living on faith--not good at it yet, but I will get there!
That's where we are. Thanks to all of you for your fasting and prayers, and your support. I have appreciated, and continue to appreciate, you all for all you have done/are doing.
Love you all"
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Thurs. Jan. 8, 2015
Well, the New Year didn't start out quite as I had hoped . . . on New Year's Day, in the afternoon, my youngest child got sick. The rest of us followed right after, except my daughter, who has eaten literally more than a case of oranges in the last 2 weeks. I took my little guy to the Dr., and he has RSV, which means that we all have RSV, too. This one has even hit the adults hard; actually my kids have done better than we adults have! As of today, we are all finally better enough to be up and around.
I've been so sick the last couple of days that I have slept the whole day. It has been miserable, but today I've only taken one nap so far, and I feel a little better. :-)
One other thing occurred to me . . . it was one of those things I understood in my heart rather than my head when it dawned on me. Heavenly Father allows us to have these experiences to prepare us for future difficulties. The "last days" are prophesied to be difficult---He needs people who are prepared and qualified. Just as a coach has to prepare his/her team for competition by practicing the sport and taking care of themselves physically and mentally, we have to "practice" hard things so we are tough enough to handle whatever the future will hold. So put on your seatbelts, folks, we are going for a ride!!!!
Well, the New Year didn't start out quite as I had hoped . . . on New Year's Day, in the afternoon, my youngest child got sick. The rest of us followed right after, except my daughter, who has eaten literally more than a case of oranges in the last 2 weeks. I took my little guy to the Dr., and he has RSV, which means that we all have RSV, too. This one has even hit the adults hard; actually my kids have done better than we adults have! As of today, we are all finally better enough to be up and around.
I've been so sick the last couple of days that I have slept the whole day. It has been miserable, but today I've only taken one nap so far, and I feel a little better. :-)
One other thing occurred to me . . . it was one of those things I understood in my heart rather than my head when it dawned on me. Heavenly Father allows us to have these experiences to prepare us for future difficulties. The "last days" are prophesied to be difficult---He needs people who are prepared and qualified. Just as a coach has to prepare his/her team for competition by practicing the sport and taking care of themselves physically and mentally, we have to "practice" hard things so we are tough enough to handle whatever the future will hold. So put on your seatbelts, folks, we are going for a ride!!!!
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