Friday, Feb. 13, 3015

Hmmmm.  Just realized when I typed that, that it's Friday the 13th!

This week something interesting happened . . . to explain it, I really need to go back to mid-December.  At that point, I had "evidence" that there was some fluid of some sort collecting in me.  (Sorry, that was the least descriptive way I could say it.)  Long story shorter, over the course of several days/weeks, I made several calls.  I got the impression from my oncologists that they weren't really concerned about it, but that it wasn't "typical" either.  I ended up in the surgeon's office in January, even though the "evidence" had abated, where he did an ultrasound.  It showed a small pocket of fluid collecting in the surgical site, and he explained that after he did the lumpectomy, it left a large empty space, which is gradually filling up with tissue, but is still not completely healed.  Radiation is really hard on tissue (that's why it works to kill cancer) and he thought the fluid was the result of the radiation-damaged tissue beginning to heal.  (This made sense to me a few weeks ago when my son fell when he was out running and really skinned up his knee.  The injury was weeping a transparent yellowish fluid the first few days as it began to heal.)

At the end of January or first part of Feb, it all started up again.  I can't really explain how much it freaks me out to have stuff leaking out of me.  I asked my husband and mom (who had been the extra sets of ears at my appointment, since my memory isn't so great) what the Dr. had said, and both of them thought they remembered hearing that it might start again, so I just waited and watched.  Well, on Monday, the floodgates opened; that really freaked me out.  So I called the surgeon again, and he squeezed me in on Wed.---even though his schedule was full, he didn't want me to wait because he was afraid it would stop before the appointment, which is what happened last time.  He repeated the ultrasound, and that same little pocket of fluid was there--he believes it begins to drain when the pressure builds up inside, which is why it starts and stops so randomly.  He wanted to drain the pocket--here's the cool part---so, guided by ultrasound, he stuck a needle/syringe through the side of my breast into the pocket of fluid and sucked it out.  It was the weirdest thing to watch on ultrasound---that black round spot on the screen just collapsed, at the same time I heard a weird sucking sound.  It was morbidly fascinating.  He wants me to go back in a month, as he would like to keep an eye on it.  I'm getting the idea that this is not "typical", but not necessarily "abnormal" either.  I'm grateful he is "taking me seriously" and is following up.  It gives me more peace of mind.

The reason I bring this all up is that having things like this happen makes it very difficult to "move on."  As much as I am trying to move on, live my life, and enjoy each day, the worry is ever present.  It is one of those things that is always in the back of my head, constantly.  I am working to find a balance between being vigilant and watchful, but still trying to have faith in the Lord's plan, move on and live my life to the fullest.  It is a delicate balancing act.  I am sure this will just take time.

Something funny happened the other night.  In order for it to make sense(ish), I have to give a little background.  I don't remember much of the last year--it's pretty much a blur.  So, I called the Dr. to see if my youngest child's immunizations were up to date.  They would have been, but alas, his Hepatitis A shot was given a bit too early, making it invalid.  Annoying, right?  So, I've been thinking "9 days.  How big of a deal is that, really?"  It has been on my "to-do" list to try to figure out what to do about it.  There's the background.

So, the other night, I guess I was dreaming, though I don't remember what I was dreaming about.  I woke myself up when I said aloud, "But I don't HAVE Hepatitis!!!"

It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone around Christmas.  A few years ago, he had some health problems showing up, but diagnosis was proving to be very tricky.  He went to several different doctors, and had tons of tests, etc.  He told me that one night, his wife heard him say in his sleep "I promise, I'm not faking it!"

I think these things are so tell-tale about what we are worrying about and experiencing!  I see that I have a need for "normalcy", whatever that is.  Needless to say, yesterday my little boy got a Hep A shot.