Wed. Dec. 31, 2014

I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write.  I'm doing much, much better emotionally.  I am beginning to mentally move on from this.  I still have my list of questions--and I'm adding more questions all the time--but I'm feeling less shook up about it all the time.  I hope I'm able to move on without forgetting the lessons I learned.

I had a wonderful Christmas.  Since I had most of my shopping done before Thanksgiving, I was really able to focus on the Savior this year.  I have had time to think about Him as I ran around doing the things I needed to do---the miraculous birth, His life and example.  His atoning sacrifice, and the enormity of the impact on all of us.  His death and miraculous Resurrection.  I have really been able to ponder it all.  It has made a wonderful Christmas Season.

I have spent a lot of time with family, playing games, etc.  It has been SO BUSY, but so fun.  I always enjoy the time with my family, but this year was better because I felt like I have been given a second chance at life.  I am deeply grateful.

Also, this year, more than any other I've ever had, I have been anxious to put 2014 behind me.  We usually don't make a huge deal about the New Year, and we really haven't this year either.  But for the first time in my life, I found myself wanting to take the Christmas decorations down and look forward to the New Year.  Mentally, it feels like a new start---another chance.  I think starting a new year is going to be a big thing for me mentally--I'm looking forward to it.

Don't get me wrong---I wasn't trying to push the Savior out of my life by taking down the decorations.  (When I say that, I mean that there is religious symbolism embedded in even the most common of our decorations and traditions.)   I'm not trying to "get over with Christmas and shove the Savior out"--I'm taking the Savior with me into the New Year.  But it is so good for me mentally to be able to have a new beginning.

I end this year so very grateful for my blessings.  I'm thankful for life, for family, for the good health we all have (there are so many other things that COULD go wrong with all our bodies--hope they don't), for my husband's job and resulting financial security, for my ability to stay home with my children so I can attempt to be an influence for good for them, for freedom and peace, for my testimony, for the gospel, for all the material possessions and conveniences that are not necessary to sustain life, but that make life so much easier.  I have been truly blessed, and for all these things I am thankful.  I know future challenges will come, but I'm not spending time focusing on that right now.  I am allowing my mind and heart to heal as long as I can, and I'm hoping to take the lessons I have learned with me so that when future challenges DO come, I will be able to meet them with courage and faith.

Tues. Dec. 23, 2014

I am feeling so much better about things, for a couple of reasons.  First, I have had more time to digest the information about my treatment plan; I've had time to think about it.  I've had time to talk about it---it sounds weird, but somehow talking about it out loud to someone seems to be like hitting a "reset" button in my head, and it helps me to make sense of things and work through them.

I was already feeling a lot better about things, and then on Saturday, we went to the temple. Long story shorter, we went with my husband's family.  His mother is not well, and several of the family members were able to come to be with her in the temple for probably the last time.  It was an absolutely beautiful, spiritual experience that I will treasure always.  But when I left, I understood more of the purpose of trials, and I was reminded (again) that Heavenly Father is in charge.  Of course, I already knew this in my head, but I was just having trouble letting go of the fear.  But that experience changed that, and I'm at peace now.  It feels great!

I go back to the radiation oncologist today--will ask the questions I have for him.  Then my long list of questions for the other oncologist when I go back to him in a few weeks.

Merry Christmas, everyone!  I'm so thankful for my Savior; He has carried me this year.

Thurs. Dec. 18, 2014

I just figured something out!  The last few days I have remembered the Priesthood blessings I have been given and the things I've been told.  I have found myself wondering why I am feeling discouraged and afraid, and why faith is coming so hard.  I just now figured out what the problem is . . . it's that I'm afraid it's [the idea that the cancer could just not come back] too good to be true!  That is getting in the way of my faith, because I'm afraid to believe.  So, now that I've figured out where the problem is, I know what to work on.  This may seem little, but to me it's huge.  Now I know what to do, and how to begin working on my faith!

I will still ask the Dr. all my questions---I need to feel good about what we're doing, and I need to understand the rationale for the treatment plan.  But, oh, wow!  Things are going to be looking up!  :-)

Tuesday, Dec. 16th, 2014

One thing that's interesting about my current state of emotional wreck-ish-ness.  My circumstances haven't changed at all . . . I have just as much chance of staying cancer-free now as I did before I went to the Dr. to find out the next stages of my treatment plan.  The only thing that has changed is the knowledge I have that there won't be a "second chance" at catching the cancer early.  If it comes back, it will be in my lung and will be terminal.  That feels like a death sentence, before anything has even happened!

I think another thing that makes this hard is that I can't DO anything.  All this time, we've been doing something.  I was preparing for surgery.  Then I was recovering from surgery and preparing for chemo #1.  Repeat 6 times.  Then preparing for radiation.  And now, waiting.  And hoping.  I feel so helpless.

Today went better, though.  I am starting to accept it more, and today I sat down and wrote a huge old list of questions to ask the Dr. on my visit in January.  I could call, but I think I would rather wait and try to work out all the questions and confusion in my head, and then go ask him when I've had time to get my head around it all.  Today I felt "blue" less of the day--I think it's just going to take some time.

There are a few other things I can do.  I need to focus on those.  I can take my medication faithfully, every day.  I can pray (and I am!)  I can ask all my questions, and let the Dr. know how I'm feeling about it all.  I can remind myself (and I have done so several times a day) that Heavenly Father knows me and my family, and He's aware of our needs.  I am practicing, still, having faith and trusting Heavenly Father.  I obviously don't have it mastered yet.  But I'm working on it, again.  I can choose to look for the blessings.  I need to do that; I'm sure there are many that I have missed the last few days when I've been so shell-shocked and freaked out.  I'll watch, and I'm sure I'll see something!

One of the things that this is whole experience is teaching me is to really remember and be grateful for my Savior on a whole new level.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Christmas!  I love everything about it!  I am way too commercial, truthfully.  But I also love my Savior and do several things during the season to remember Him every year.  This year, I have been more aware though, so I have really felt the spiritual side of the season.  I am very grateful for His life, Atonement, and Resurrection.  Even though I enjoy the "fluff" I know the real reason for the season, and I'm so thankful for it.

Gotta run and put some kiddos to bed.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2014

I'm a mess.  Really.  Just when I thought I had this whole "have faith and trust in the Lord" thing figured out, I realize I don't.  Not even.

I've been on anti-estrogen medication since Friday.  I don't know how much of my current emotional wreck-ish-ness is due to the medication, and how much is due to the fact that I am still really struggling with the idea that if it comes back, it's terminal.  I have a lot more questions that I need to ask the Dr., but I also think I need a little more time to absorb the information and just get my head wrapped around it.

Remember how I read the article that talks about depression as a survivor?  I didn't understand why someone might feel depression . . . they had just beat it, right?  Now I think I'm beginning to understand.  There is such a huge fear that it might come back, and the idea that it can't be "caught early" if it returns lends a finality to this whole thing that is terrifying.  I'm trying to approach the situation with faith and courage, but I'm feeling terrified and sad.  I'm sure the medication is playing a part as well.

In some ways, I find myself wondering why I'm such a wreck.  It will only be terminal IF it comes back.  But it hasn't (I guess.)  So, in some ways I wonder if I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse.  On the other hand, I'm finding the idea of trying to live each day, knowing that any day that it could come back and be terminal very, very unsettling.  It's a mental thing.

Yesterday, I was sitting in church.  And every so often, I felt a pang of something that hurt shooting through my chest, in different areas at different times.  It wasn't excruciating or anything.  But I found myself wondering, "How do I know which pains to worry about and which ones are from the radiation, or just more soreness from the surgery?"  (The scars are still tender.)

Last night I asked my dad and my husband for another blessing.  I didn't learn anything new or earth-shattering, but I was reminded of things I already knew and that brought me comfort.  I need to just go forward, trying to get on with life and trying to figure out what's normal.  My mom said "You need to just assume you are cancer-free until you hear otherwise."  So, that's the goal.  That's what I have to shoot for.  I think it's going to take some time before I am really able to get my head wrapped around it all, and it's definitely going to take a lot of prayers.  I'm working on that, and hoping that things will smooth out a bit.  Hopefully yesterday was the lowest point I hit.

Friday, December 12, 2014

I've been going to write a few things down here all week, but haven't had time.  My little man changed all that . . . he woke up all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5:15 a.m., and there was no more sleeping after that.  So, I think I'll hurry and tell my story and then go exercise, and get going on my day.

First, I got a surprise on Monday!  My sister had called and told me that something for my mom and dad's Christmas was going to be delivered to my house, and I needed to be home to sign for it.  She wouldn't give me more information than that, just told me I would understand later.  When I told her that I had a kid to pick up from Scouts, she told me the homeowner needed to be there, and to see if I could make other arrangements.  So then on Monday, she called and told me that my dad was going to drop my mom off at my house on his way to Physical Therapy so she could be here when it was delivered.  (He had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago.)  My mom came to hang out at my house.  That NEVER happens, but my sister had told me it was going to happen, so I didn't think much of it.  My living room was a huge mess because we had been gradually putting up Christmas decorations.  I had boxes EVERYWHERE!  My mom (who is not a neat freak) casually started picking up boxes and taking them in the other room.  She folded the blankets that the kids had left on the floor.  I noticed, and asked her why my messy house was bothering her.  She said, "Oh, I guess I'm just weird."  Ok, that was unusual, but I still didn't put the pieces together.  My dad came back from PT, and just about a minute later there was a knock on the door.  So I went to answer it, and got a huge surprise.  My kid's orthodontist was standing on the doorstep.  I must add here that his office is 1 1/2 hr. away from here, so I was definitely surprised.  I still didn't get it.  I said, "Oh, hi!"  He said, "I'm lost."  I said, "Ok, whatcha looking for?"  He said, "You."  (Huh????  I was so confused.)  I said, "Well, you found me!"  He said "Come out here for a minute."  So, I went outside (kid and dog following, making a racket to just add to the confusion of the moment.)  A lady got out of his car, and he introduced me to her--his wife.  Then he told me that every year their office picks a patient to do something nice for at Christmas, and this year they picked us.  They all pitch in and shop, so he had "a few things for me."  So, he started pulling things out of the car.  There was a bag with food for Christmas dinner, a turkey, a HUGE wrapped box that he said has presents for everyone in our family, and a wrapped basket that looks like candy.  :-)  I couldn't figure out how he had found my house (I only gave them my PO Box.)  I knew that my sister and one of his staff go to the same gym; that's how they did it.  They have been working on this since the beginning of November, and she gave them information to help them know what kinds of things we would like.  A side note . . . I don't think he knows this, but one of my other sisters takes her kids to him, too.  I thought it was so nice of them to think of me.  I think when someone does something nice like that for you, it's so important to take it in the spirit it was given in . . . love.  That was so sweet.  I have a few pictures of the stuff:

Next thing to write about . . . Remember the lady I mentioned previously . . . my friend Cindy that I ran into a week after my last chemo?  At that time, the cancer had spread to her brain, and they were sending her in THAT DAY to set up radiation.  She was not doing well at all, and I thought to myself, "She only has a few weeks left, at most."  I hoped maybe I would run into her at radiation, but I never did.  I found out that she passed away not long after that day in September when I saw her.  Probably only a few days later.  That's why I never ran into her at radiation.  I am so sorry for her family---she left behind a husband and 14-year old daughter, and an older daughter as well.  This is what I hope DOESN'T happen to me.  And I'm so very sorry it happened to them.  She had a funny sense of humor, and she fought the cancer hard.  I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore, and hope her family is doing well.

So, now for the unnerving part . . . I found out my future treatment plan.  I don't love it.  I had hoped there would be some way we could monitor me to make sure the cancer wasn't coming back.  But the Dr. told me that scans just add a lot of extra radiation.  He said if it comes back, it will be in the lung, so I need to keep an eye out for unexplained pain in my lung, a cough that won't go away, unexplained nausea, or unexplained generally feeling rotten.  That's so unnerving.  I had hoped there would be a good way we could watch for it and catch it if it comes back BEFORE it gets to the lung.  But, as close to the chest wall as that tumor was, I guess it wouldn't be surprising that it would head straight for my lung.

Because it is estrogen dependent, I will also be on anti-estrogen medication.  In some ways that also makes me nervous.  I hadn't even thought about this until my sister-in-law mentioned it yesterday, but what if it makes me grouchy?  I don't want my family to have to suffer.  And, of course, there's the bone density issue that this brings up . . . I'm starting menopause pretty early, so I also have to take a WHOPPING dose of calcium and vitamin D every day.  That increases my chance of another kidney stone, but helps with the bone density.

Oh, dear.  I think it would be easier to deal with if I could have a "scan" or some sort of "evidence" to show that things were ok in there.  I've been trying to absorb all this information---I think, really, it leads me back to where we started.  I just need to try my best not to worry about it--watch for symptoms, but just take each day as it comes and just trust that Heavenly Father cares enough about my family to do what is best for us.  So, I will continue trying to practice having faith.  I'm learning that it takes practice!