Tuesday, Dec. 16th, 2014

One thing that's interesting about my current state of emotional wreck-ish-ness.  My circumstances haven't changed at all . . . I have just as much chance of staying cancer-free now as I did before I went to the Dr. to find out the next stages of my treatment plan.  The only thing that has changed is the knowledge I have that there won't be a "second chance" at catching the cancer early.  If it comes back, it will be in my lung and will be terminal.  That feels like a death sentence, before anything has even happened!

I think another thing that makes this hard is that I can't DO anything.  All this time, we've been doing something.  I was preparing for surgery.  Then I was recovering from surgery and preparing for chemo #1.  Repeat 6 times.  Then preparing for radiation.  And now, waiting.  And hoping.  I feel so helpless.

Today went better, though.  I am starting to accept it more, and today I sat down and wrote a huge old list of questions to ask the Dr. on my visit in January.  I could call, but I think I would rather wait and try to work out all the questions and confusion in my head, and then go ask him when I've had time to get my head around it all.  Today I felt "blue" less of the day--I think it's just going to take some time.

There are a few other things I can do.  I need to focus on those.  I can take my medication faithfully, every day.  I can pray (and I am!)  I can ask all my questions, and let the Dr. know how I'm feeling about it all.  I can remind myself (and I have done so several times a day) that Heavenly Father knows me and my family, and He's aware of our needs.  I am practicing, still, having faith and trusting Heavenly Father.  I obviously don't have it mastered yet.  But I'm working on it, again.  I can choose to look for the blessings.  I need to do that; I'm sure there are many that I have missed the last few days when I've been so shell-shocked and freaked out.  I'll watch, and I'm sure I'll see something!

One of the things that this is whole experience is teaching me is to really remember and be grateful for my Savior on a whole new level.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Christmas!  I love everything about it!  I am way too commercial, truthfully.  But I also love my Savior and do several things during the season to remember Him every year.  This year, I have been more aware though, so I have really felt the spiritual side of the season.  I am very grateful for His life, Atonement, and Resurrection.  Even though I enjoy the "fluff" I know the real reason for the season, and I'm so thankful for it.

Gotta run and put some kiddos to bed.