Monday, Dec. 15, 2014

I'm a mess.  Really.  Just when I thought I had this whole "have faith and trust in the Lord" thing figured out, I realize I don't.  Not even.

I've been on anti-estrogen medication since Friday.  I don't know how much of my current emotional wreck-ish-ness is due to the medication, and how much is due to the fact that I am still really struggling with the idea that if it comes back, it's terminal.  I have a lot more questions that I need to ask the Dr., but I also think I need a little more time to absorb the information and just get my head wrapped around it.

Remember how I read the article that talks about depression as a survivor?  I didn't understand why someone might feel depression . . . they had just beat it, right?  Now I think I'm beginning to understand.  There is such a huge fear that it might come back, and the idea that it can't be "caught early" if it returns lends a finality to this whole thing that is terrifying.  I'm trying to approach the situation with faith and courage, but I'm feeling terrified and sad.  I'm sure the medication is playing a part as well.

In some ways, I find myself wondering why I'm such a wreck.  It will only be terminal IF it comes back.  But it hasn't (I guess.)  So, in some ways I wonder if I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse.  On the other hand, I'm finding the idea of trying to live each day, knowing that any day that it could come back and be terminal very, very unsettling.  It's a mental thing.

Yesterday, I was sitting in church.  And every so often, I felt a pang of something that hurt shooting through my chest, in different areas at different times.  It wasn't excruciating or anything.  But I found myself wondering, "How do I know which pains to worry about and which ones are from the radiation, or just more soreness from the surgery?"  (The scars are still tender.)

Last night I asked my dad and my husband for another blessing.  I didn't learn anything new or earth-shattering, but I was reminded of things I already knew and that brought me comfort.  I need to just go forward, trying to get on with life and trying to figure out what's normal.  My mom said "You need to just assume you are cancer-free until you hear otherwise."  So, that's the goal.  That's what I have to shoot for.  I think it's going to take some time before I am really able to get my head wrapped around it all, and it's definitely going to take a lot of prayers.  I'm working on that, and hoping that things will smooth out a bit.  Hopefully yesterday was the lowest point I hit.