tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12185250316195885992024-03-12T22:14:31.504-07:00Blessed By Breast CancerEven the darkest clouds have silver linings . . . if only you are willing to look for them!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-62859190578585712952021-10-16T17:05:00.001-07:002021-10-16T17:05:09.077-07:00<p> October 16, 2021</p><p>It has been almost a year since I've been on here. I honestly didn't think anyone was reading it, and these days I am choosing to be very selective about how I spend my time, so I didn't bother. But I guess I will post an update now. It's honestly kind of therapeutic to spill my guts a little bit. </p><p>People ask me how I am doing all the time. It is so hard to answer that question, especially with people I haven't seen for a long time. HOW ON EARTH can I ever figure out how to summarize this past year into one neat little sentence? Not gonna happen!!</p><p>The last year has been a roller coaster! I have experienced more emotions rapid-fire than I can express-- over, and over, and over again. In a nutshell, grief. Study the stages of grief and that will probably give you some idea of the varied and confusing emotions we have had going on in our house. It feels like our whole family was standing naively on a large area rug, and then unexpectedly, someone we couldn't see came along and ripped the rug right out from under all of us and then walked away, leaving us all on the floor--bleeding, bruised, broken, trying to figure out how to get up. And the "support team" you usually have to help you through hard things is all down there with you. All of them are grief-stricken right along with you. How do you recover from that? </p><p>This year, as it's the 20 year anniversary of 9/11, there were several articles in the news. I remember reading one where a survivor said something similar to 'People would ask me how I was, and I would say "fine." I thought I was fine. But it was only after about a year that I realized I had been a walking zombie, like I was in a fog for that whole year.' Yep. That sounds about right! </p><p>Sometimes I have had peace and a knowledge that it's going to be ok. (However, looking at things through my mortal eyes, I cannot even begin to see how that could be possible.) There have been many other times when I have felt a great deal of sadness. I have cried more tears than I thought my body could hold! I have felt frustration and had a hard time accepting the reality. This is NOT supposed to be how this was going to turn out! I gave my life giving 110% to my children and husband, helping take care of extended family that needed it, serving to the best of my ability in my callings. The reward for that was supposed to be time after all my children were raised to do a few things I wanted to do!! And yet, here we are. It has been confusing and difficult to accept. I am not angry at God--I know He has a plan, so I can't be angry. But it has been really frustrating. </p><p>And yet, I cannot deny that this is God's will for my family. I know it. 100%. I understand some of the reasons; I can't have EVERYTHING I want, because all the things I want aren't compatible with each other. Early on, the Spirit made that known to me. And God knowing me as only He can, He knows that if I have to choose, I will choose the growth in my family that is coming from this mess. I am sure there are more reasons that I cannot yet see, but they are real and true nevertheless. How can I argue with that? How can I argue with God? I can't. I KNOW He is aware of us. I KNOW this is His plan for us. So, I just try to keep moving forward the best that I can. </p><p>I WANT a big miracle. I know God can deliver those. I KNOW He could make me cancer-free. But I also know that is not His will for me. That's not His plan. So, I gratefully accept the small miracles that come. They are small, but a miracle is a miracle, and I'm going to take it, gratefully.</p><p>Here are a few we have had over the last year:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Many times I was trying to push through an authorization for a test or new treatment, and it went through faster than it normally does. The last time this happened was just this week--it always takes 2 weeks to get authorization for a new treatment regimen. Always. And yet, even though it was submitted later than I had hoped, I had authorization for my new treatment 1 week after the insurance received it. Feeling kinda rotten right now because of it, truthfully. ;-) </li><li>Ability to get counseling when needed. Counselors are booked out for months. They all have waiting lists. But we have had 3 miracles regarding counseling. </li><ul><li>The first occurred about January when I just knew I needed to get my child into a counselor. I didn't know why--as near as I could tell, things were going ok. Besides I had a broken right ankle from a car accident (another story entirely) and was in a wheelchair. There was no way I was driving anywhere! I wasn't as quickly obedient as I should have been, sadly, but I did start acting on the impression. And, things went downhill very quickly with that child. Without the counselor, the outcome would have been very, very bad. But we made it through because all the legwork was done in time to have the counselor on board when it was most needed.</li><li>The second was over the summer. The nurse navigator at the cancer center called me about something else, entirely unrelated. But before the conversation was over, I had agreed to having her send a referral to a counseling center, because we were going to need it "someday." I didn't think "someday" would be coming for a long, long time. One week later, something happened that helped me realize that one of my children was suffering much more than I had thought. I called to try to get the child into a counselor that works with children (and for any of you that haven't tried to find one of those, they are hard to find), fearing they would be booked out for months. But guess what? A new counselor that works with kids just started working there and still had some openings. I got my child in the next day. We have been going to her for 4 months now, and my child is making some progress.<br /></li><li>The third one was just this week. I have a child that kind of came apart at the seams at school and ended up in the counselor's office a few weeks ago. There are a lot of things going on there, not just me being sick, but that gives that poor kid even more to sort out. Long story shorter, I contacted the school counselor to see what options we have, and then life got in the way, and I didn't get much more done. Earlier this week, I determined that I really needed to get that ball rolling. I drafted an email to a local counseling resource, but before I got it sent, I decided not to, out of the blue. (Due to driving distance, I decided to try one that's closer instead of the one where we have the referral.) Instead, I emailed the school counselor again, just to ask if she does counseling on the side--you know, for continuity and such. No, she doesn't, but it just happened that the very next day, one of those counselors from the community--the very place I had written the email to but not sent--was going to be coming into the school to do some sessions with students. The current school counselor (who is new to the school this year) had, unbeknownst to me, spent the last year in her former job working really hard to get grants to help make counseling services more available to students. My child was able to get into that counselor the very next day, free of charge. Eventually, we will need to do the counseling after school, and it won't be free, but that's ok! It is giving us a chance to see if this lady is a good fit for my child, and to get us past the child's current sports season, which would have been a scheduling nightmare.</li></ul><li>More people than I can count that have showed their concern and caring. It's hard, too, because you can see the grief in their eyes. They are hurting too. (Funny thing . . . mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort sounds wonderful. But doing it means you are grieving all the time, just saying!)</li></ul><div>Of course, there have also been things that have been less helpful--comments that just make you stare because you can't even get your mouth to form a response. There are people that you used to talk to all the time that no longer call you anymore, or that when you do talk to them, they seem "distant." That's hard. But I understand that in many cases, it's because they just don't know WHAT to say and do. They are trying to process their own grief, too. They don't want the pain that comes from losing someone very close to them. Avoiding situations that have the potential to become awkward or painful is an emotional defense mechanism, and we have all done it. So, even though it makes a hard situation harder, I can't really be angry with them. They are doing the best they know how, just like I am.</div><div><br /></div><div>I guess I need to close and get on with my day. The thing I want to leave with anyone who might happen upon this blog unexpectedly is to tell you, no matter your religious affiliation or beliefs, I absolutely know that God is there. He is aware of all of us. And sometimes He allows suffering to teach us. But WE have to take the first step. We have to reach out to Him. I can tell you what I know and how. But somehow, it seems so weak when I read my own words. It's something you have to experience for yourself. If you have had that experience, you know what I mean. If you haven't experienced it, try it. Reach out. Allow Him into your life, whatever is going on. He loves you. Gotta run!</div><p></p>bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-59020477428451787232020-10-23T19:45:00.002-07:002020-10-23T19:45:12.446-07:00<p> Friday, October 23, 2020</p><p>It's kind of odd how being a cancer survivor just kind of became part of my distant history. Nothing going on, nothing to write about, right? So, I didn't post anything.</p><p>I went to ALL my check-ups. I followed up on anything and everything that I thought might be a concern--even straying over the line into the "overly cautious" camp. But I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything! </p><p>In July, I went in for my usual check-up. All my labs looked good. I was feeling very tired, but I have felt very tired since I finished chemo. I never did bounce back to "normal," so I just thought everything was fine.</p><p>I had a little cough all summer, but figured it was probably allergies. Nevertheless, I went to the Dr. in August and had a chest X-Ray. Everything looked good.</p><p>In September, right before Labor Day, I started having intense pains in my right shoulder and the right side of my neck. I had had a few stabs of pain in my right lung area upon occasion during the summer (right behind my right breast, deep inside) but I didn't think much of it. I also had an occasional "pinch" in my back, when I was laying in bed, if I was in a certain position. Again, I didn't think anything of it. These things were infrequent, and I have gotten used to weird pains here and there. That's part of my new body. But the shoulder pain was pretty intense, and that got my attention. Kind of. I just assumed I had injured myself in some way.</p><p>On the afternoon of Labor Day, I started getting a sore throat. The next day (Tuesday) I just felt wiped out--really yucky, and I took a couple of short power naps whenever I could squeeze them in. The next day (Wednesday) I felt a little better, but not good. The next day (Thursday) I felt a little worse again, and had a little nausea. By the afternoon, I started feeling really yucky. I was wearing a jacket, under a heavy blanket, laying on the couch in direct sunlight and freezing. I decided I better have a Covid test just in case. I called to make an appointment for one the next day and then barricaded myself in my bedroom, where I stayed until Friday morning. I went down for the rapid Covid test; when results came back, they were negative. So, I thought I had a little virus and I just needed to wait it out. By Friday afternoon, the shoulder pain and neck pain got so intense that it moved up into my neck and all the way down my side. Taking a breath became painful, so I finally went to the Dr.</p><p>Her initial thought was that it was pleurisy. This seemed like a logical diagnosis; I had had it before, and I had some lung damage from radiation. She ordered a shot of Toradol (bless that shot!) and sent me to have X-Rays and labs just to make sure it wasn't anything more serious. The Toradol worked wonders for the pain, and when I left the hospital after all the tests, I was feeling good. I got about halfway home, and received a phone call from the Dr. Some of the labs had come back elevated, and I needed to go back to the ER; it could be a possible blood clot. So, I turned around and went back. Spent the evening of 9/11 in the ER, getting a complete work-up. Long story shorter, CT scans of my abdomen revealed the problem--my liver was mad at me. Neither the radiologist or the ER Dr. could tell for sure why, but neither possibility was good news. It was either cirrhosis of the liver, or metastatic cancer. They couldn't tell for sure because the liver was "fully involved" with whatever it was. Well, the cirrhosis idea really threw me. Upon my honor, I have NEVER had even ONE alcoholic beverage in my whole life, and I have NEVER used any kind of drug recreationally (prescription or otherwise.) Then I learned that Tamoxifen can cause cirrhosis and that there is a kind of cirrhosis called "Non-alcoholic cirrhosis" or "fatty liver disease." Well, OK. Not good news, but it seemed like a logical possibility.</p><p>A follow-up biopsy revealed the awful truth; it was metastatic breast cancer, and my liver was fully involved. I cannot describe the shock I felt. Honestly, it was like getting hit by a train that you never heard or saw coming. And then you are plastered all over the tracks trying to pick yourself up and figure out how to move on. There are no words that adequately describe that feeling! </p><p>Looking back, there are a few little symptoms I missed. But when I say "little" I mean "little." They were so subtle! The good news is that something made my liver really mad and it flared up so we caught it earlier than we otherwise would have. That being said, it isn't early. My whole liver is involved. And as one of my oncology providers stated "it is treatable but not curable." </p><p>I have had about 6 weeks to try to get my head around it all. I have to think about the future differently now. My baby (who was 19 months when I was diagnosed the first time) just turned 8. My bucket list will never get done. Most days that doesn't matter a whit to me now. Most of the time I don't care that I won't get to do the things I had always hoped I could do in the proper "season." It's hard to get my head around that. However, I can give those things up. But my kids!!! I don't want my kids to lose their mom so young. I want to raise them to adulthood. It seems a little dumb to say I don't want them to lose their mom, because as one relative said "no matter how old you are, you always need your mom!" So, it really seems silly to say that I want them to be older before they have to face that. They will never really be ready. But I don't want them to have to deal with the loss of a parent in their teenage years. I have seen the effects of that in the lives of others, and I don't want that for my kids. And yet, there isn't really all that much I can do. </p><p>I am learning a lot (again) about trusting God. I am learning a lot about what faith really is. Others have given me advice that has helped me to sort it out a little bit in my head. I kneel down and tell Heavenly Father what I want, and how important it is to me. And I ask Him to allow me to live to raise my children if it's His will. And then I leave it in His hands. And I go to the Dr. and I get treatment that I am hopeful will extend my time as long as possible. I hope it will be at least long enough to prepare my husband and my children for the time I won't be here. I didn't realize how much I really do until I contemplate trying to help them learn how to do all the things I always do, and have always done since my husband and I were both very young (naive) adults. It still feels very surreal, like I am living someone else's reality. </p><p>Some days myself and the other members of my family accept it as it is, and other days we are just really sad. One thing we did right is that we talked about grief, and what it is. I told my kids they will probably have some strong feelings that might even surprise THEM, and that's it is ok. I posted charts about grieving on the fridge. What a strange thing this is . . . to try to help your children through their grief before you die, all the while trying to process your own grief. Weird. </p><p>One of the things that bothers me the most (aside from the weird things that some people say) is when I see people who are older and seem healthy going about their lives. I wonder "do they know how lucky they are?" Probably not. I didn't ever think about how lucky I was when I wasn't in the middle of a fight for my life, either. I wish I hadn't been so blissfully unaware. I shouldn't have been so unaware! But life got busy and gratitude for health moved to the back burner. I regret that.</p><p>But, in all of it, there are some blessings that I need to acknowledge. 1. That my liver got really mad and got my attention. Since then, it has simmered down and most days, I feel almost normal. 2. Most days, I feel almost normal. 3. My cancer changed, which is rare, and the way it changed opens up some more treatment options. 4. I have great friends and family. My family members have all given what they could, especially my parents, to help my family in any way they could during this. It's going to be a long haul. I hope I don't burden them too much. SO MANY friends have given me great kindnesses. All are appreciated, but because it's part of a story, I will just mention three here . . . my sister arranged to have a photographer do family pictures for us. I am so grateful; right then I was dealing with insurance and appointments, etc, and was way too overwhelmed to arrange family pictures, too. A friend gave me a free haircut and style so I could look good for our family pictures (and even came to my home to do it.) The photographer wouldn't accept money for her sitting fee, even though she spent literally hours taking pictures of our family. 5. I hoped I would be able to keep enough hair to look relatively normal until after we had family pictures taken. But I knew it was going to be close. Well, my hair hung on just long enough for the pictures! We had pictures on Saturday (October 17) and it started coming out in big clumps on Tuesday (October 20) so we just shaved it. But I still had hair in the pictures! With no hair, I am feeling ugly right now, and I am so grateful I didn't have to have pictures taken feeling this way. 6. I had an MRI on my brain to see if any cancer had gone there, and it has not! Another blessing!</p><p>I would not have chosen to have my cancer come back. I am still struggling to accept the reality of it all. But there are a few things I know: Heavenly Father is aware of me and my family. This was a surprise to me, but not to Him. I also know--really know, in a way I can't explain--that He has a plan in place for my family, and this is part of that plan. I am 100% certain of that. There are lessons to be learned here, and the only way we can learn them is to be forced to stretch--to have our faith tried in ways and in levels that it never has been before. I am trying my best to rise to the challenge before us, and to help my children to do the same. Somehow, I know this will all turn out ok, even if I can't see the path today. I just have to keep hanging onto that.</p>bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-32620829828800411022016-04-14T21:51:00.000-07:002016-04-14T21:51:18.531-07:00Thursday, April 14, 2016<br />
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Okay, I have to be fast because I think my son needs the computer to write a paper . . .<br />
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First, sad news. My aunt has breast cancer---the same kind that I had, only hers is Grade 2, and we are thinking probably Stage 2 (?). She hasn't seen the oncologist or surgeon yet, so I don't know what they are going to recommend. I mentioned her in a previous post--she is the aunt I talked to at my sister's wedding the day after I saw my oncologist. It seems so unfair--she has already been through so much. But, I was listening to a talk from the most recent General Conference today, and it talked about how life is never fair, and the greatest evidence of that was the life of Jesus Christ; He was perfect, and yet he suffered all the pains and afflictions that we do, and more. And, yet, when the eternities are factored into the equation, it becomes perfectly fair, because our Heavenly Father knows and loves us all, and will turn all things for our good.<br />
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I think I need to talk to my oncologist---starting to wonder if maybe there is a genetic link after all . . . just not BRCA 1 or 2. I tested negative for both of those. My kids better be on the look-out---cancer seems to really run in my family!!! (And heart disease and blood sugar issues in my husband's . . . my poor kids seem to be doomed.)<br />
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Secondly, I had a mammogram today. The radiologist said it looks good--the same as my last one, which is good news. I have to say, having a mammogram on the unaffected side isn't fun, but having it on the affected side is pure torture. All that scar tissue---it really hurts during the mammogram, and it's still sore now. If someone hugs me too hard, I just might cry. But I don't care how much it hurts--if it comes back, I want to catch it as early as I can---it would at least buy me a little more time.<br />
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I just read my last few posts about fatigue. Yeah, still have that. It is amazing how much more tired I am than before. I have had some people tell me that it's just because I'm over 40 now, and maybe that's true, but it is so much worse than it was before chemo that I really think the chemo is a big factor. I would like to think it will get better, but if I'm still this tired this far out, I'm thinking I need to just accept that I am going to have some limitations I didn't have before, as annoying as it is. Whether chemo or old age, I don't suppose it matters--I'm just pooped!!!<br />
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Other interesting changes from the chemo: I have a hearing loss in both ears. I suspected as much because after chemo, it seemed like I was always having to ask people to repeat themselves. I finally had a hearing screening at a Health Fair, and ta-da. Yep. Hearing loss in the higher frequencies, which is what they typically see in chemo patients. I also still struggle with chemo-brain. It is getting better, but it's a struggle. Learning never used to be terribly hard for me (except for Math and Science), but now I struggle to learn new things of any sort. I get distracted and forget things. I struggle with reading comprehension more than I ever did before--I often have to read the same sentences several times before I begin to understand what I read. I have a really hard time remembering what I have read or heard or done or said or need to do . . . the list goes on. It is frustrating, but I guess that's the price I get to pay for being alive. So, I'm grateful, in spite of the frustration.<br />
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I have been thinking about how this experience has changed me . . . I can't even really describe how much. I still would never choose to go through it voluntarily, but there has been so much growth. I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but one of the ladies I talked to just after my diagnosis told me that if she could go back and re-live her life without going through the cancer, she wouldn't do that because she has learned so much. I am beginning to see what she means, although right now, there's always a little "disclaimer" line of fine-print in my head that says "as long as it doesn't come back." If I make it 5 years plus and it still hasn't come back, I will probably feel the same way about it.<br />
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Well, I need to go put my super-cute little boy to bed. He just came and told me he wanted me to tuck him in. I should have done it a long time ago, but I just ran out of steam and gave up. But, I better get up and get it done.<br />
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P.S. He just came in all excited because he found the sparkly toothpaste I just bought for him. He is thrilled. So cute. I love how easy it can be to please little kids. They are so pure and innocent. No wonder Jesus says we need to become like little children. :-)<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-91029242531412918302015-09-15T20:51:00.001-07:002015-09-15T20:51:37.102-07:00Tues. Sept. 15th<br />
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I haven't written anything for a long time--mostly because it's been back to business as usual, and that feels great, but BUSY! I don't think I have ever been this busy before--just trying to keep all our family's ducks in a row, doing bookkeeping, helping with my in-laws, etc. I have 5 kids in 4 different schools this year. It's insane, made more so by the fact that I have a lot more trouble remembering things and accomplishing things than I used to. These days, if it's not bugging me, I forget about it, which means I get a lot of "oops, I forgot to do that" type of surprises. Kinda scary! Nevertheless, I would rather be busy than bored, so we will all just keep plugging along and hope for the best.<br />
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I realized, about a week and a half ago, that it had been 1 year since my last chemo! I'm so glad I'm looking back at it now, and that it's done. Hope I don't have to do that again!<br />
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I have a new pet peeve . . . when people complain about getting old. Sure, I get it that all the new aches and pains aren't pleasant. Nor is the expanding waistline, or the jiggly "Relief Society" arms, or the wrinkles and gray hair. Worse yet is when health deteriorates. I understand all that, but I hate it when people, who seem to be in good health overall, gripe about it so much. They are ALIVE! Do they know how many others never got the opportunity to live long enough to "get old?" (For the record, I give those whose health has deteriorated significantly--whether or not it is "obvious" to the rest of us---a "get out of jail free" card. They have valid reason for complaint.) I guess that's just one of those things where you don't realize how much you have to be grateful for until you have seriously contemplated the possibility of losing it. As for me, I have my sights set on 60. Don't get me wrong . . . although at one time I would have considered 60 to be "over the hill", I sure don't now. But by then, HOPEFULLY, my kids will be raised and at a stable point in their lives. HOPEFULLY I will live beyond 60, and enjoy good health so that I can do some of the things on my ever-expanding bucket list. But, if not, the most important thing is that my kids get what they need . . . So, I'm still exercising (somewhat reluctantly) and hoping and praying for the best. :-)<br />
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Well, this is a boring post, but I"m too tired to think of anything else to say. So, goodnight!<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-36543611660996646162015-06-03T20:18:00.000-07:002015-06-03T20:18:31.081-07:00Wed. June 3rd, 2015<br />
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I went to the Dr. last week . . . was just worried about that silly persistent cough, and the weird shooting pains in my right side. Sometimes it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest under the arm, other times it's a sharp pain that feels like it's coming out of my shoulder blade, and other times it feels like it's deep in my breast, near the chest wall. The Dr. isn't worried about any of it. He says he hears ALL the time that women are having shooting pains in their chest. It is probably the result of tissue trying to heal after radiation. He said it can last up to 5 years. <br />
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As far as the cough is concerned, he isn't worried at this point. He said it's probably due to the radiation damage on the bottom part of my lung, which is now trying to heal. Then add a little sniffle or something, and the cough is there "to stay." I don't cough harder when exercising, I don't have excessive shortness of breath when exercising, I am feeling good and don't feel generally short of breath. I have been sneezing like crazy every morning this week, and have begun wondering if I have some allergies??? Anyway, he said if I still have the cough in a month, we can do chest X-rays just to make sure, but at this point, he is not at all alarmed. That makes me feel so much better!<br />
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One of the challenges with this is that it's hard to find the line between being "aware of my 'new' body" and "hypochondriac." I don't know where the line is! But it was a relief to hear that the Dr. wasn't alarmed about a cough that has hung on for 4 weeks. Whew!<br />
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In other random thoughts:<br />
My chemo-brain is getting better. My calling--that I DO NOT love---forces me to try to think through things. I sometimes get "stuck" and can't think what to do next. But I think the process of having to think it through is helping me to re-learn. Seems silly, but it's real. I can see that I am making slow progress.<br />
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I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. By that I mean, I am beginning to realize that there really CAN be life after cancer! The further out I get, the more I realize that I could possibly have a future. It feels great! Here's hoping my future ends up being cancer-free!!!!!<br />
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I heard on the radio that 1/3 of all women will develop some type of cancer in their lifetime, and 1/2 of men. Wow---I didn't realize it was that high. Sad.<br />
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Well, I better get my kids and myself ready for bed. One change I have noticed is that I seem to need a lot more sleep now than I did before. I don't know why. Good night everyone!<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-30134003861399397392015-05-25T21:12:00.001-07:002015-05-25T21:12:21.970-07:00Monday, May 25, 2015<br />
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Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted, and there's a lot to say!<br />
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First, I had a great opportunity April 27-May 1 to go to Yellowstone to chaperone my daughter's school class to Expedition Yellowstone! It was awesome---I learned SO much and it was all so interesting. But the best part was being able to spend time with my daughter. Loved it, and would go again in a heartbeat!<br />
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My dad got his pathology results back. It looks like the cancer WAS indeed all contained within the prostate---no radiation or other treatments needed. The recovery was rougher than he anticipated, but he's doing well. Just hating all the residual effects (meaning the changes that are a natural result of having had the surgery.) I understand . . . these medical things are hard on a person's dignity. Sometimes I still, even a year later, just wish I could have my old body back, cancer free, of course. But I am so grateful to be blessed as I have, and so grateful that he has done as well as he has.<br />
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The lady in my ward is hanging in there. She hasn't started chemo yet. I want to help her in any way I can---to pay forward the things so many others did for me.<br />
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Today is Memorial Day. It has been the best Memorial Day I remember ever having. My dad's first cousin was killed in action in Vietnam, 45 years ago today. I have grown up hearing about him--and have always felt sad and had a great respect for him and for what he did. Well, 10 years ago today (was it really that long ago?), his best friend and Platoon Sergeant contacted a Bishop living here, hoping to make contact with any of the family that remained here. In some ways, his being able to even get hold of the Bishop was a miracle, and the other miracle was that this Bishop happened to be an "old timer" who had personal knowledge of the family, and was able to get the right information to the family so they could make contact. His buddy has, of course, suffered from PTSD, and it took him a long time to be emotionally able to make the contact (he said he had that phone number for 2 years before he was finally able to bring himself to make the call.) He came up here and visited then, and the contact has healed both sides. I didn't meet him then, but heard about him. He has committed to come up every 5 years. Well, a few days ago, I found out there was going to be a BBQ with the family and with him, and that all family members that were interested were invited to go. I had some last minute complications come up, and thought I wouldn't be able to go, and I was so disappointed I cried and cried. And prayed. And, miracles happened, and I was able to go. It was a fantastic experience. I learned things about my extended family I hadn't known, and gained an appreciation for them. I "got to know" my dad's cousin, and my respect for him grew even more. I heard, from the mouth of his friend, who was trying to get to him when he died, exactly how it happened. I think the most tell-tale thing was when his best friend said, "We were both married. We weren't the same faith, but we both lived our faith. We both lived the way we believed." That told me more about who he was than anything else. Family members asked questions, and he answered them. It was phenomenal---a true privilege. I also met, for the first time, his daughter. She was 20 months old at the time of his death. Last night there was a fireside for the youth, friends, and family, where his friend spoke again. It was again, wonderful, and I was able to hear and see how other people I have grown up with and respected were affected---and still are affected---by his life and this event. I KNOW that there was direction coming from the other side of the veil, bringing all these things together, and giving comfort and healing where it was needed. I never knew him, and yet, the knowledge of this event has been a part of our family's story--our history---and so it has had a profound effect upon me. I got closure this weekend that I never even knew I needed. Like I said, it was absolutely PHENOMENAL. I also realized how important each of we "ordinary" people are. We all touch far more lives than we will ever know. And so, on this Memorial Day, I say, "Please thank a veteran. Please think of those who sacrificed for the freedoms that we and others enjoy. Our country has some issues, true---but God intended for us to be free, and people paid the price to make and keep it that way. God Bless America!" <br />
<br />
In other news (not so happy), I have had a cough since right after I got back from Yellowstone. I have hoped it would go away, but it has been pretty persistent. I just left a message at my oncologist's office, asking what we should do next. The fear, of course, is that the cancer has come back and lodged in my lung. I cannot even express how much I long for my former naivete. I wish so badly I could just go back to being "innocently unconcerned" about each pain and twinge. But I can't. My "new normal" won't allow it. I hope there is nothing wrong, but I guess if there is, I will just do the best I can. I still believe that God has a plan for me, and I guess I will just have to have faith and wait and watch to see what His plan is. But, boy, it is not easy.<br />
<br />
Well, I had better get going so I can go to bed. I am planning to go on my son's field trip with his class tomorrow. I want to be as active and involved as I can with my family, because no one ever really knows what the future will hold. For today, I feel good and can walk and hike and be active. I want to enjoy that as long as I can. I need to get a good night's sleep, so Good Night!bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-66105363660918340452015-04-26T07:40:00.003-07:002015-04-26T07:40:39.723-07:00Tuesday, April 21, 2015<br />
<br />
Sometimes I am amazed as I see things unfold. Life has a lot of little coincidences, and it's amazing when I am able to look back and see that some of them weren't coincidental at all . . .<br />
<br />
I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but in December, a member of our bishopric (Brother Wells) was talking to me and he asked me if I would talk at a 5th Sunday meeting sometime in the future about the things I have learned through this delightful breast cancer experience. In hindsight, it seems like he hadn't "pre-planned" to ask me; it seems it just came to him then, though I don't know for sure about that, of course. I do remember him saying he needed to ask the bishop and get back to me. I told him I really had no desire to do it, but I felt like Heavenly Father expects us to try to help each other, so I would talk . . . I guess. He later talked to the bishop and got approval. During the "waiting time" I began jotting down thoughts, etc, in preparation for that future event.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to March, when there was a 5th Sunday coming up. As anticipated, I was asked to speak. As I was preparing, I kept thinking about talking about medical stuff--do your exams, what to look for, etc. As I was preparing, I kept trying to take that part of my talk out, feeling it wasn't super-appropriate to include it in a 5th Sunday meeting, with the youth there, BESIDES which, I don't have any real medical training, and so I don't really feel that I am qualified. I wondered if we should just do an Enrichment on breast cancer instead, but concluded that since they are generally poorly attended, that might not really help get the word out to the women. I also realized (sorry to be graphic) that men really do need to know this--sometimes they are the ones that notice there's a problem with their wife. I was really stewing about this. One day, a week or so before I was to speak, Brother Wells caught me in the hall at church, and asked me how the preparations were going. I told him I was working on it, told him my problem, and then asked if it would be ok if I talked a little about the medical angle. He said he thought so, and the bishop, who had just come up behind him, said he thought so, too. <br />
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So, I prepared . . . I tried to think of which medical things I SHOULD say, and which things I SHOULDN'T say. It was hard, and it was nerve-wracking. I gave the 5th Sunday talk, even the squirmy, uncomfortable parts about the medical stuff, and didn't think another thing about it . . . I was just glad to be done!<br />
<br />
Last Thursday evening, my visiting teaching partner stopped by, but I wasn't home. So, when I got home, I called to see what she needed. She told me that there was a lady in our ward that was there that day who had just found out she had breast cancer. The next day, I took her some flowers and visited with her. She told me she had been a bit uncomfortable with the medical part of my talk (I think everyone was!) but had, one week later (on Easter Sunday) decided she should do an exam. She found a lump, which turned out to be cancerous. She had surgery yesterday. She doesn't know her treatment plan yet, but it will include chemo.<br />
<br />
This morning, as I have been thinking about the events up to this point, I am realizing how many things that I thought were "coincidence" that are not. Brother Wells just "happened" to think of asking me to speak. I just "couldn't" leave out that uncomfortable medical part, even though I kept trying to re-write my talk without it. This morning, I have been trying to think of how I can best help her through this experience---how I can pay it forward---and all of a sudden, something I saw just last week that may be of help came to my mind. Coincidence? I don't think so.<br />
<br />
I won't be publishing this post right away. At this point, this lady is still trying to keep a low profile, as she grapples with the news. I understand--I've been there! But when it's common knowledge--it WILL go viral--I'll post it. And I am going to try my very hardest to pay it forward--to help her as others have helped me.<br />
<br />
Sunday, April 26th<br />
<br />
I can post now; I've heard it from other sources. And, as I am usually the very last to hear about anything, I'm sure I can safely assume it is common knowledge now. <br />
<br />
In other news, my dad had surgery for his prostate cancer on Friday. The MRI they did on Wednesday showed that the cancer went to the very edge of the prostate; they were hopeful that it had not spread beyond. Pathology results will take a week, so we don't know any more yet.<br />
<br />
Gotta run---I have a Primary lesson to prepare!<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-31847846428519828982015-04-16T20:28:00.002-07:002015-04-16T20:28:52.916-07:00Thurs. April 16, 2015<br />
<br />
Just checkin' in . . .<br />
<br />
I had a mammogram a few weeks ago. Everything looked ok. Whew. Relief!<br />
<br />
And yesterday, I went out to the Dr. to have an ultrasound. I keep feeling some hard "pinches" in my abdomen. The Dr. thinks my ovaries are trying to "wake up" but I really wanted to just MAKE SURE we weren't missing anything. Everything looks good. Again, relief!<br />
<br />
I wonder how long it will be before I stop "looking over my shoulder" constantly? I don't want to be a hypochondriac, but I have to say, this has really made me so aware of how quickly things can change.<br />
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I am doing really well emotionally, now. I'm enjoying life--trying to squeeze out every bit of joy I can each day. What a blessing it is to be alive!!!bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-53401341799668307242015-04-06T14:10:00.000-07:002015-04-16T20:24:00.749-07:00Monday, April 6th<br />
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I made an April's Fools Breakfast for my kids on April Fool's Day. <br />
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The juice is real orange juice, but I added unflavored gelatin to make it "orange juice" jello. The "toast" is pound cake, buttered and toasted in a frying pan. The "egg white" is vanilla yogurt. The "egg yolk" is 1/2 apricot (canned.) Snicker. I'm not smart--I found it in a magazine, and decided to give it a whirl! It was kinda fun.<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak about all the things I've learned from this whole breast cancer adventure at a 5th Sunday meeting in church. Most of the things I talked about, I have talked about in posts on here, so I'm not going to post my talk. It was actually a really hard talk to prepare . . . usually when I have been asked to talk in church, I have been given a topic, or a source to get my info from. Then I just go to those sources, or the scriptures, regurgitate what other people (smarter than myself, of course) have written, add my own comments and thoughts, and that's it! No worries. This one was harder--this one was "all me." I worried and fretted about whether the things I was preparing were "appropriate", "doctrinally correct", etc. I'm grateful it's over, and hope that in some way, something that I have learned can be of benefit to someone else.<br />
<br />
Along that topic . . . this morning I had to take my kids to a medical appointment. When I got there, one of the people that works there quietly asked me if I knew about one of the women that works there. I said, "No." She then told me that because of my experience, they have all been diligent in doing their exams, having mammograms, etc. (One time when I was in there, I told them my symptoms and the shadow/dimpling that I saw that made me go to the Dr.) Well, she said that this lady was doing her exam in the mirror and saw a "shadowy" spot on the underside of her breast. She went to her Dr., and had a mammogram. She ended up having a biopsy, which came up positive. A few weeks ago, she underwent a double mastectomy. Her sentinal nodes were negative for cancerous cells, so she probably won't have to do chemo, and she won't have to do radiation. I don't know if the shadow is the reason she caught it, or if she would have caught it anyway, but I can honestly say, if my experience causes ONE woman to catch it earlier than I did, it will have been worth it. I am so glad she caught it early!!!!<br />
<br />
There's another lady that lives here. She found her cancer in about November. She had a double mastectomy, and they didn't think she was going to have to do chemo. I just heard that she is doing chemo after all, and has been pretty sick. Poor lady. That stuff is brutal. I would like to do something nice for her, but I don't know what to do yet . . . or how to do it. I'll have to keep working on this one . . .<br />
<br />
One other thing I would like to mention, that I talked about in my church talk. When I think about the story of Joseph (of Egypt), I often wonder what his thoughts were when he was sitting down in the bottom of a pit, when he was sold, and later, when he was sitting in prison after having chosen the RIGHT thing. Was he bitter? Did he wonder why things weren't working out? He had chosen the right, after all! Did he know how things were going to work out? WE know the end of that story, and can see how it all fit into the "plan." But did he see that? Or did he just feel bitter, sad, or angry because things weren't working out right then?<br />
<br />
One day, I was washing dishes. That's boring, so my mind was wandering. All of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, a phrase from my patriarchal blessing popped into my head. It was a part that had not previously been fulfilled. All of a sudden, I realized that it was in the process of being fulfilled, BECAUSE of this cancer experience. That happened again a few weeks later, with a different phrase. It was another witness that this whole mess was a necessary part of Heavenly Father's plan for me and for my family. I don't know why yet, and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that this learning opportunity was essential for our growth. Knowing that makes it easier to accept it and have faith in a loving Father regarding my family's future, whatever it holds. <br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-1192803738144179302015-03-14T09:22:00.003-07:002015-03-14T09:22:38.000-07:00Sat. March 14, 2015<br />
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Last night was a little bit of a payday. My oldest son is in a high school play, Peter Pan. Let me just say here that he doesn't have much acting experience . . . he was Santa Claus in a short, musical version of The Night Before Christmas, and last year he played two minor roles in The Wizard of Oz. So, I really had no idea that he had so much untapped talent. He plays Captain Hook. I sat in the audience and was pretty dang amazed. Loved it! So glad I'm still around to see it!<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-64887427140158947122015-03-10T07:48:00.000-07:002015-03-10T07:48:07.279-07:00Tuesday, March 10th<br />
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When I was growing up, my mom always told me that the world didn't revolve around me. (I really didn't understand what she meant by that . . .) Well, I just found out that she was wrong. It does! At least it does in my house, though not in the way she meant.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was a frustrating day. It was busy, and all the late nights and early mornings and daylight saving time all compounded and caught up to me. That means all the "little things" that shouldn't have been a big deal were "big things." I was frustrated and exhausted. Nearly in meltdown, I went to bed early. In my exhaustion, I forgot to set my alarm.<br />
<br />
Well, you know the rest of that story. I woke up this morning 5 minutes too late for my kids to catch their bus. Not 5 minutes later than usual . . . 5 minutes after the bus had gone by. None of my kid's alarms had rung, either, as luck would have it, and they were ALL still asleep, as was my husband. We rushed to get everyone ready, and they made it to school (on time, even!) but if I ever think that I'm not needed, all I need to do is just pull a stunt like that or try to "take a day off" and go somewhere!<br />
<br />
I think it's probably ok to post this next part now, because I think the only people who read this blog are probably my family anyway---I've been trying to respect the privacy of others by letting them tell their own news and not spreading it around . . . A week ago, we found out that my dad has prostate cancer. The Dr. thinks---and we hope and pray---that it is still pretty early. Prostate cancer is a slow-growing cancer--thus chemo is not an appropriate treatment. His treatment options are: 1. Surgery 2. Radiation 3. Hormone Therapy 4. Do nothing. Surgery is the preferred treatment option, especially if it is early enough that it hasn't spread beyond the prostate. If it has, they will need to follow up with radiation to try to kill it. Hormone therapy doesn't "kill" the cancer, but it slows it's spread. It isn't a good option for anyone that wishes to live a long time more. And doing nothing means the cancer would keep growing---albeit slowly---until it spread through the body and took the man's life. <br />
<br />
They can't do the surgery until 6 weeks after the biopsy, because of risk of infection. So, Dad is scheduled for surgery next month. We will know a lot more then, after they get in there and see exactly how far it has spread.<br />
<br />
Yesterday afternoon I was talking with the sweet lady who was my visiting teacher while I was going through chemo. (She has since been moved to a different route. :-( ) She substitute teaches in seminary sometimes, and she was telling me about a conversation they had in class the other day. My oldest son was in the class, and they were talking about trials and looking for the good. She told me some of the things she had talked about, and some of the comments my son had made. One of the comments he made was that the trials you have prepare you for things that happen later in your life--including other trials later. I know he was referring to the news that my dad has cancer---he really loves and respects his grandpa. <br />
<br />
I think about how traumatic the whole idea of cancer was for all of us a year ago, and I look at how we are handling my dad's now, and I realize that we all really HAVE grown. We worry, of course, and we pray, but we aren't totally freaked out like we would have been a year ago--we are handling it. We know and understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. Death is part of that plan, and while we hope and pray that LIFE will be the outcome, we know that even if it doesn't turn out that way, it will be o.k.<br />
<br />
I found out on Sunday that a lady I know that lives here passed away. She was a real fighter---she had cancer 3 times, and also had a bout of septic shock that she survived. I ran into her in the grocery store in Idaho Falls last fall when I was out doing radiation. At that time, she had just found out that her cancer had returned---we were joking around about hair---my lack thereof and her barely-hanging-on-hair. At that point, she was trying to keep it as long as she could. She was a good lady; she showed me how to stick with it in the midst of adversity. I'm sad that she's gone---but I'm so glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I hope and pray that her family will find peace at this time.<br />
<br />
Well, my little boy is poking me with a toy bow and arrow--he wants me to help him shoot it, so I guess I better get going. Break's over! Like I said, it feels like the world does revolve around me in this house!<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-66980545570523145362015-03-07T20:40:00.001-08:002015-03-10T06:57:05.084-07:00Saturday, March 7, 2015<br />
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I think I probably picked the absolute worst time to sit down and type. Tonight is "spring forward." Groan. This is the only night of the year that I wish I lived in Arizona.<br />
<br />
I have been intending to get on here and write for a long time, but holy, moly! I'm so dang busy these days!<br />
<br />
Mentally, I have made a whole lot of progress this last month. I still have my moments of fear--mainly when I feel pain---but they are becoming very rare, and overall, I'm moving on quite well. I still need to be vigilant, of course, but I have really made progress.<br />
<br />
I had my first "haircut" the other day. It was just shaggy and unruly, so I went in for a little trim. There wasn't much to trim off--just one-quarter to one-half of an inch. The cosmetologist just trimmed the sides around my ears and the back, shaped it so it wasn't so shaggy, and she also trimmed the top just a bit so it was even. It lays a lot nicer, although I am on an adventure for sure!!!! <b> <i>My hair is curly!</i></b> (It wasn't curly before!) But, I can see I'm going to have to plan on getting my hair cut regularly---before the trim, I had an Afro. (Is that the real name of a haircut, or is it a politically incorrect racial slur? It sounds like it could be the latter . . . if it is, I apologize profusely. I mean no offense---I just have never heard another name for that type of hairstyle.) Anyhow, it was getting kind of round on top, though it wasn't too long yet. It is a real change---we will see what happens as it gets longer and heavier . . .<br />
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I am also working on my bucket list---both making and working on crossing off. I guess I had always assumed I would live to be about 100, give or take. I don't know why. I just never thought I would die young. Now, I have had a wake-up call. <br />
<br />
One of the things I learned through this experience is that we all need to make sure we are spending time on the things that matter most. When I leave this life (hopefully later, rather than sooner) the ONLY things I will take with me are the things I have learned, the character I have become---whether positive or negative, and the relationships I have with others. That's it. So I better be really sure that I am spending my time on the things that matter most---yes, we do need to take care of our bodies, work so we have money for the things we need, etc. But it's all a balancing act, and if we want to avoid regrets, we need to make sure the things we are doing are important to someone's welfare (self included)---either mentally, spiritually, physically, etc. <br />
<br />
With all that being said, I am realizing I need to begin working on my bucket list NOW, and I need to not assume I will have the opportunity when my kids are raised and gone. However (back to that balancing act) there are things I am NOT willing to do now, because they aren't important to anyone's welfare, and they will take too much time away from my family, which is my very most important role--mother and wife. (This is a soapbox of mine. Lucky for you all, I'm tired, so I won't get on it tonight.) So, I'm working on the little things. Funny, though . . . when I wasn't writing my bucket list down or trying to accomplish anything that was on it, it was a pretty short list in my head. Now, it just keeps getting longer, and longer, and longer . . . Oh, well. I'm working on the little things---and enjoying them!<br />
<br />
I can't yet say I'm glad I had cancer. I think it's too soon for that. But I think about who I was a year ago, and I can see some growth in myself. I think I'm a better person, in many ways, because of the experience. I am grateful for that growth and hope I can take the things I have learned and use them to benefit myself, my family, friends, community, etc.<br />
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Now, I have to tell a funny story to end this post. About a month ago, my husband realized that he isn't as young as he used to be . . . and realized that retirement age is going to sneak up on us a whole lot faster than we ever imagined (assuming, of course, that we live that long.) So, we decided we should get some retirement accounts started---even if we can only contribute a little, it's better than nothing! We went and met with a financial planner guy. After we set everything up, he asked about our life insurance, and asked if we needed to review it to make sure we had adequate coverage. Turning to my husband, he said, "You seem healthy. You could probably get this [referring to the cheapest plan that only really healthy people can get]." <br />
My husband said, "No, I don't think so, I have a few health problems." He then proceeded to describe them. <br />
Then the planner turned to me, "How much [life insurance] do you have?" <br />
I told him what I have. <br />
"Maybe we should see if we can get a little more on you." <br />
To which I replied, "Ummm. I don't really think they would issue me a policy." <br />
He seemed a little surprised. "Why not?"<br />
"Well, I'm a cancer survivor." <br />
"Oh, really? How long ago?"<br />
"I just finished radiation in November."<br />
(Turning away from the computer screen, in a way that reminded me of someone shutting a book), "Oh, well, I guess it's a good thing you have that policy in place!"<br />
<br />
I was not offended---I thought it was hilarious!!!! I had to work on it not to laugh out loud. <br />
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Hopefully my family won't be needing that policy! :-)<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-22663812336018134312015-02-13T06:59:00.000-08:002015-02-13T06:59:39.372-08:00Friday, Feb. 13, 3015<br />
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Hmmmm. Just realized when I typed that, that it's Friday the 13th! <br />
<br />
This week something interesting happened . . . to explain it, I really need to go back to mid-December. At that point, I had "evidence" that there was some fluid of some sort collecting in me. (Sorry, that was the least descriptive way I could say it.) Long story shorter, over the course of several days/weeks, I made several calls. I got the impression from my oncologists that they weren't really concerned about it, but that it wasn't "typical" either. I ended up in the surgeon's office in January, even though the "evidence" had abated, where he did an ultrasound. It showed a small pocket of fluid collecting in the surgical site, and he explained that after he did the lumpectomy, it left a large empty space, which is gradually filling up with tissue, but is still not completely healed. Radiation is really hard on tissue (that's why it works to kill cancer) and he thought the fluid was the result of the radiation-damaged tissue beginning to heal. (This made sense to me a few weeks ago when my son fell when he was out running and really skinned up his knee. The injury was weeping a transparent yellowish fluid the first few days as it began to heal.)<br />
<br />
At the end of January or first part of Feb, it all started up again. I can't really explain how much it freaks me out to have stuff leaking out of me. I asked my husband and mom (who had been the extra sets of ears at my appointment, since my memory isn't so great) what the Dr. had said, and both of them thought they remembered hearing that it might start again, so I just waited and watched. Well, on Monday, the floodgates opened; that really freaked me out. So I called the surgeon again, and he squeezed me in on Wed.---even though his schedule was full, he didn't want me to wait because he was afraid it would stop before the appointment, which is what happened last time. He repeated the ultrasound, and that same little pocket of fluid was there--he believes it begins to drain when the pressure builds up inside, which is why it starts and stops so randomly. He wanted to drain the pocket--here's the cool part---so, guided by ultrasound, he stuck a needle/syringe through the side of my breast into the pocket of fluid and sucked it out. It was the weirdest thing to watch on ultrasound---that black round spot on the screen just collapsed, at the same time I heard a weird sucking sound. It was morbidly fascinating. He wants me to go back in a month, as he would like to keep an eye on it. I'm getting the idea that this is not "typical", but not necessarily "abnormal" either. I'm grateful he is "taking me seriously" and is following up. It gives me more peace of mind. <br />
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The reason I bring this all up is that having things like this happen makes it very difficult to "move on." As much as I am trying to move on, live my life, and enjoy each day, the worry is ever present. It is one of those things that is always in the back of my head, constantly. I am working to find a balance between being vigilant and watchful, but still trying to have faith in the Lord's plan, move on and live my life to the fullest. It is a delicate balancing act. I am sure this will just take time.<br />
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Something funny happened the other night. In order for it to make sense(ish), I have to give a little background. I don't remember much of the last year--it's pretty much a blur. So, I called the Dr. to see if my youngest child's immunizations were up to date. They would have been, but alas, his Hepatitis A shot was given a bit too early, making it invalid. Annoying, right? So, I've been thinking "9 days. How big of a deal is that, really?" It has been on my "to-do" list to try to figure out what to do about it. There's the background.<br />
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So, the other night, I guess I was dreaming, though I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I woke myself up when I said aloud, "But I don't HAVE Hepatitis!!!" <br />
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It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone around Christmas. A few years ago, he had some health problems showing up, but diagnosis was proving to be very tricky. He went to several different doctors, and had tons of tests, etc. He told me that one night, his wife heard him say in his sleep "I promise, I'm not faking it!" <br />
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I think these things are so tell-tale about what we are worrying about and experiencing! I see that I have a need for "normalcy", whatever that is. Needless to say, yesterday my little boy got a Hep A shot.bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-65879932042681242592015-02-04T10:45:00.000-08:002015-02-04T10:45:53.209-08:00Wed., Feb. 4th, 2015<br />
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I've had a lot of thoughts this last few weeks that I thought I would share, only now I can't remember them. Welcome to a day in my life! I can't even believe how scatter-brained I am!!!<br />
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I am doing a lot better with getting my head wrapped around everything. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I have had a hard time. When there's something that is traumatic--a crisis of sorts---I always buckle down and do what I have to during the crisis, and then afterward when it's over, the trauma of it all hits me and I have a lot to process.<br />
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I pray daily that the cancer won't return, or if it does, that we will be able to catch it before it has spread to my lungs or liver or anywhere else. The Dr. told me that is pretty much impossible, and I'm sure that's true, because now I don't even have lymph nodes to filter it out and catch it. But with God nothing is impossible. He will have things be the way He wants them to be. I pray that I will be strong enough to accept His will, even if it's not what I want.<br />
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It is nice to be getting back to "normal." All things considered, I think my family has weathered this quite well. My kids have done remarkably well, but they have emotional needs that I have not been able to meet as well as I would have liked during this past year. It feels so nice to be getting back to trying to help them to grow. Some of that process involves discipline---I don't love that part as much, but it is necessary for their learning and growth. This is a little bit of a soapbox of mine, but I think it is so important to not shield our kids from struggle, and especially from consequences. I've been guilty of that more times than I want to admit, sorry to say, and I have learned from it. We need to find that delicate balance between letting kids get hurt and learn from their own mistakes, but still "be in their corner", and help them with the problems they encounter. It feels good to be able to be working on all that.<br />
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My hair is looking like it just might come in kind of curly! It's sticking out in ways it never used to, and the top is curling a little. It's about an inch long now . . . we will see what happens next. I'm not exactly sure what to do with curly hair, but it should be an adventure. I'm happy to have the opportunity to figure it out. <br />
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It also came in really, really gray! My husband was giving me a really hard time about that--even though he's 5 years older than me, I have way more gray hair than he does. I just glared at him and said, "Do you know what I have just been through? I have earned EVERY ONE of those gray hairs!" And then I dyed it. Nothing a $5 box can't fix!!!<br />
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My husband bore his testimony in church on Sunday. He told about reading the kid's answers to my question about what they have learned, and that he "stalled" on answering the question. (Do I know him or what? Knew that's what he would do!) He talked about a few things he's learned, and I took notes . . . I will share some of them here.<br />
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He said he has learned how much the Lord loves him, and loves our family. He has been so thankful for the peace the Lord sends us in times of trial, and he testified that the Lord can and will send us that peace if we seek for it.<br />
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He talked about how the Lord can fill in the gaps between who we are, and who we need to be. That He helps us to be better than we are on our own.<br />
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He said he learned how great our ward is. We have received service in all forms--prayers, acts of selfless service, etc.<br />
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To all of his comments, I say "AMEN!" I agree with all he said. This has truly been a learning experience. Some days I wake up and think, "I wish I could just wake up and find out this was all a nightmare. I just want my old body back. I just want to not have to worry about it coming back, and I don't want to have to do the exercises that I have to do post surgery & radiation." But then I think of all the things I have learned and how much I have grown, and wonder if I really would choose to lose all that learning and growth. I don't know what I would choose if I truly had the choice---the jury's still out. But I am thankful for all the things I have learned from the struggle.<br />
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One thing is sure--good day or bad, I am just so glad to have it. My aunt was so right . . . "Every day is a gift from God."<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-8381633100089408702015-01-16T11:31:00.002-08:002015-01-16T11:31:54.507-08:00<div dir="ltr" id="yiv2820645617yui_3_16_0_1_1421432985185_105710" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
Friday, January 16th,</div>
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Just sent this e-mail to my family--assuming I have correct e-mail addresses, so I thought I would post it here.</div>
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"Hi everyone,<br />I don't know who is interested and who isn't, but I thought I would send an update about my cancer situation . . . I just went to the Drs. yesterday and the day before.</div>
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So, the "active" part of my treatment is complete. I am now taking an anti-estrogen medication (the cancer was estrogen-dependent) and hoping it doesn't come back.</div>
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I will be doing annual mammograms. No CT scans, as they are only marginally helpful. The bad news is that if it does come back, it will be nearly impossible to catch before it has spread somewhere---lungs, liver, etc. The good news is that the chance that it WON'T come back is hovering around 80%, give or take. The really, really good news is that I have had Priesthood blessings, and though I don't know exactly how things are going to unfold, I feel good about my future. :-)</div>
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I will be seeing the Dr. every 3 months for the first 2 years, and watching like a hawk for anything that would indicate a problem--unexplained pain anywhere in my body that is persistent, or generally not feeling well (nausea, headache, etc.) On year 3, I begin seeing the Dr. every 4 months; with each year the frequency decreases. If I think something may be wrong, I schedule an "extra" visit, and we will do CT scans then to look for a problem. If the cancer does come back, it will most likely be within the next 5 years. I am going to get really good at living on faith--not good at it yet, but I will get there!</div>
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That's where we are. Thanks to all of you for your fasting and prayers, and your support. I have appreciated, and continue to appreciate, you all for all you have done/are doing.</div>
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Love you all"</div>
bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-79060061076822319782015-01-08T12:23:00.001-08:002015-01-08T12:23:38.080-08:00Thurs. Jan. 8, 2015<br />
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Well, the New Year didn't start out quite as I had hoped . . . on New Year's Day, in the afternoon, my youngest child got sick. The rest of us followed right after, except my daughter, who has eaten literally more than a case of oranges in the last 2 weeks. I took my little guy to the Dr., and he has RSV, which means that we all have RSV, too. This one has even hit the adults hard; actually my kids have done better than we adults have! As of today, we are all finally better enough to be up and around.<br />
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I've been so sick the last couple of days that I have slept the whole day. It has been miserable, but today I've only taken one nap so far, and I feel a little better. :-)<br />
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One other thing occurred to me . . . it was one of those things I understood in my heart rather than my head when it dawned on me. Heavenly Father allows us to have these experiences to prepare us for future difficulties. The "last days" are prophesied to be difficult---He needs people who are prepared and qualified. Just as a coach has to prepare his/her team for competition by practicing the sport and taking care of themselves physically and mentally, we have to "practice" hard things so we are tough enough to handle whatever the future will hold. So put on your seatbelts, folks, we are going for a ride!!!!<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-90906157354811133392014-12-31T09:42:00.001-08:002014-12-31T09:42:15.397-08:00Wed. Dec. 31, 2014<br />
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I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write. I'm doing much, much better emotionally. I am beginning to mentally move on from this. I still have my list of questions--and I'm adding more questions all the time--but I'm feeling less shook up about it all the time. I hope I'm able to move on without forgetting the lessons I learned.<br />
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I had a wonderful Christmas. Since I had most of my shopping done before Thanksgiving, I was really able to focus on the Savior this year. I have had time to think about Him as I ran around doing the things I needed to do---the miraculous birth, His life and example. His atoning sacrifice, and the enormity of the impact on all of us. His death and miraculous Resurrection. I have really been able to ponder it all. It has made a wonderful Christmas Season. <br />
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I have spent a lot of time with family, playing games, etc. It has been SO BUSY, but so fun. I always enjoy the time with my family, but this year was better because I felt like I have been given a second chance at life. I am deeply grateful.<br />
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Also, this year, more than any other I've ever had, I have been anxious to put 2014 behind me. We usually don't make a huge deal about the New Year, and we really haven't this year either. But for the first time in my life, I found myself wanting to take the Christmas decorations down and look forward to the New Year. Mentally, it feels like a new start---another chance. I think starting a new year is going to be a big thing for me mentally--I'm looking forward to it.<br />
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Don't get me wrong---I wasn't trying to push the Savior out of my life by taking down the decorations. (When I say that, I mean that there is religious symbolism embedded in even the most common of our decorations and traditions.) I'm not trying to "get over with Christmas and shove the Savior out"--I'm taking the Savior with me into the New Year. But it is so good for me mentally to be able to have a new beginning.<br />
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I end this year so very grateful for my blessings. I'm thankful for life, for family, for the good health we all have (there are so many other things that COULD go wrong with all our bodies--hope they don't), for my husband's job and resulting financial security, for my ability to stay home with my children so I can attempt to be an influence for good for them, for freedom and peace, for my testimony, for the gospel, for all the material possessions and conveniences that are not necessary to sustain life, but that make life so much easier. I have been truly blessed, and for all these things I am thankful. I know future challenges will come, but I'm not spending time focusing on that right now. I am allowing my mind and heart to heal as long as I can, and I'm hoping to take the lessons I have learned with me so that when future challenges DO come, I will be able to meet them with courage and faith. bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-46764627033070447672014-12-23T06:01:00.000-08:002014-12-23T06:01:23.123-08:00Tues. Dec. 23, 2014<br />
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I am feeling so much better about things, for a couple of reasons. First, I have had more time to digest the information about my treatment plan; I've had time to think about it. I've had time to talk about it---it sounds weird, but somehow talking about it out loud to someone seems to be like hitting a "reset" button in my head, and it helps me to make sense of things and work through them.<br />
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I was already feeling a lot better about things, and then on Saturday, we went to the temple. Long story shorter, we went with my husband's family. His mother is not well, and several of the family members were able to come to be with her in the temple for probably the last time. It was an absolutely beautiful, spiritual experience that I will treasure always. But when I left, I understood more of the purpose of trials, and I was reminded (again) that Heavenly Father is in charge. Of course, I already knew this in my head, but I was just having trouble letting go of the fear. But that experience changed that, and I'm at peace now. It feels great!<br />
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I go back to the radiation oncologist today--will ask the questions I have for him. Then my long list of questions for the other oncologist when I go back to him in a few weeks.<br />
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Merry Christmas, everyone! I'm so thankful for my Savior; He has carried me this year.<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-17833001303295773892014-12-18T21:05:00.001-08:002014-12-18T21:05:12.085-08:00Thurs. Dec. 18, 2014<br />
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I just figured something out! The last few days I have remembered the Priesthood blessings I have been given and the things I've been told. I have found myself wondering why I am feeling discouraged and afraid, and why faith is coming so hard. I just now figured out what the problem is . . . it's that I'm afraid it's [the idea that the cancer could just not come back] too good to be true! That is getting in the way of my faith, because I'm afraid to believe. So, now that I've figured out where the problem is, I know what to work on. This may seem little, but to me it's huge. Now I know what to do, and how to begin working on my faith! <br />
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I will still ask the Dr. all my questions---I need to feel good about what we're doing, and I need to understand the rationale for the treatment plan. But, oh, wow! Things are going to be looking up! :-)<br />
<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-25855772650366471642014-12-16T19:25:00.002-08:002014-12-17T06:43:56.565-08:00Tuesday, Dec. 16th, 2014<br />
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One thing that's interesting about my current state of emotional wreck-ish-ness. My circumstances haven't changed at all . . . I have just as much chance of staying cancer-free now as I did before I went to the Dr. to find out the next stages of my treatment plan. The only thing that has changed is the knowledge I have that there won't be a "second chance" at catching the cancer early. If it comes back, it will be in my lung and will be terminal. That feels like a death sentence, before anything has even happened!<br />
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I think another thing that makes this hard is that I can't DO anything. All this time, we've been doing something. I was preparing for surgery. Then I was recovering from surgery and preparing for chemo #1. Repeat 6 times. Then preparing for radiation. And now, waiting. And hoping. I feel so helpless. <br />
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Today went better, though. I am starting to accept it more, and today I sat down and wrote a huge old list of questions to ask the Dr. on my visit in January. I could call, but I think I would rather wait and try to work out all the questions and confusion in my head, and then go ask him when I've had time to get my head around it all. Today I felt "blue" less of the day--I think it's just going to take some time.<br />
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There are a few other things I can do. I need to focus on those. I can take my medication faithfully, every day. I can pray (and I am!) I can ask all my questions, and let the Dr. know how I'm feeling about it all. I can remind myself (and I have done so several times a day) that Heavenly Father knows me and my family, and He's aware of our needs. I am practicing, still, having faith and trusting Heavenly Father. I obviously don't have it mastered yet. But I'm working on it, again. I can choose to look for the blessings. I need to do that; I'm sure there are many that I have missed the last few days when I've been so shell-shocked and freaked out. I'll watch, and I'm sure I'll see something!<br />
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One of the things that this is whole experience is teaching me is to really remember and be grateful for my Savior on a whole new level. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Christmas! I love everything about it! I am way too commercial, truthfully. But I also love my Savior and do several things during the season to remember Him every year. This year, I have been more aware though, so I have really felt the spiritual side of the season. I am very grateful for His life, Atonement, and Resurrection. Even though I enjoy the "fluff" I know the real reason for the season, and I'm so thankful for it.<br />
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Gotta run and put some kiddos to bed. bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-81574059794607877622014-12-15T05:38:00.000-08:002014-12-15T05:38:19.705-08:00Monday, Dec. 15, 2014<br />
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I'm a mess. Really. Just when I thought I had this whole "have faith and trust in the Lord" thing figured out, I realize I don't. Not even.<br />
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I've been on anti-estrogen medication since Friday. I don't know how much of my current emotional wreck-ish-ness is due to the medication, and how much is due to the fact that I am still really struggling with the idea that if it comes back, it's terminal. I have a lot more questions that I need to ask the Dr., but I also think I need a little more time to absorb the information and just get my head wrapped around it.<br />
<br />
Remember how I read the article that talks about depression as a survivor? I didn't understand why someone might feel depression . . . they had just beat it, right? Now I think I'm beginning to understand. There is such a huge fear that it might come back, and the idea that it can't be "caught early" if it returns lends a finality to this whole thing that is terrifying. I'm trying to approach the situation with faith and courage, but I'm feeling terrified and sad. I'm sure the medication is playing a part as well.<br />
<br />
In some ways, I find myself wondering why I'm such a wreck. It will only be terminal IF it comes back. But it hasn't (I guess.) So, in some ways I wonder if I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse. On the other hand, I'm finding the idea of trying to live each day, knowing that any day that it could come back and be terminal very, very unsettling. It's a mental thing. <br />
<br />
Yesterday, I was sitting in church. And every so often, I felt a pang of something that hurt shooting through my chest, in different areas at different times. It wasn't excruciating or anything. But I found myself wondering, "How do I know which pains to worry about and which ones are from the radiation, or just more soreness from the surgery?" (The scars are still tender.) <br />
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Last night I asked my dad and my husband for another blessing. I didn't learn anything new or earth-shattering, but I was reminded of things I already knew and that brought me comfort. I need to just go forward, trying to get on with life and trying to figure out what's normal. My mom said "You need to just assume you are cancer-free until you hear otherwise." So, that's the goal. That's what I have to shoot for. I think it's going to take some time before I am really able to get my head wrapped around it all, and it's definitely going to take a lot of prayers. I'm working on that, and hoping that things will smooth out a bit. Hopefully yesterday was the lowest point I hit. bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-28708688630850265732014-12-12T05:18:00.000-08:002014-12-12T05:18:25.794-08:00Friday, December 12, 2014<br />
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I've been going to write a few things down here all week, but haven't had time. My little man changed all that . . . he woke up all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5:15 a.m., and there was no more sleeping after that. So, I think I'll hurry and tell my story and then go exercise, and get going on my day.<br />
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First, I got a surprise on Monday! My sister had called and told me that something for my mom and dad's Christmas was going to be delivered to my house, and I needed to be home to sign for it. She wouldn't give me more information than that, just told me I would understand later. When I told her that I had a kid to pick up from Scouts, she told me the homeowner needed to be there, and to see if I could make other arrangements. So then on Monday, she called and told me that my dad was going to drop my mom off at my house on his way to Physical Therapy so she could be here when it was delivered. (He had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago.) My mom came to hang out at my house. That NEVER happens, but my sister had told me it was going to happen, so I didn't think much of it. My living room was a huge mess because we had been gradually putting up Christmas decorations. I had boxes EVERYWHERE! My mom (who is not a neat freak) casually started picking up boxes and taking them in the other room. She folded the blankets that the kids had left on the floor. I noticed, and asked her why my messy house was bothering her. She said, "Oh, I guess I'm just weird." Ok, that was unusual, but I still didn't put the pieces together. My dad came back from PT, and just about a minute later there was a knock on the door. So I went to answer it, and got a huge surprise. My kid's orthodontist was standing on the doorstep. I must add here that his office is 1 1/2 hr. away from here, so I was definitely surprised. I still didn't get it. I said, "Oh, hi!" He said, "I'm lost." I said, "Ok, whatcha looking for?" He said, "You." (Huh???? I was so confused.) I said, "Well, you found me!" He said "Come out here for a minute." So, I went outside (kid and dog following, making a racket to just add to the confusion of the moment.) A lady got out of his car, and he introduced me to her--his wife. Then he told me that every year their office picks a patient to do something nice for at Christmas, and this year they picked us. They all pitch in and shop, so he had "a few things for me." So, he started pulling things out of the car. There was a bag with food for Christmas dinner, a turkey, a HUGE wrapped box that he said has presents for everyone in our family, and a wrapped basket that looks like candy. :-) I couldn't figure out how he had found my house (I only gave them my PO Box.) I knew that my sister and one of his staff go to the same gym; that's how they did it. They have been working on this since the beginning of November, and she gave them information to help them know what kinds of things we would like. A side note . . . I don't think he knows this, but one of my other sisters takes her kids to him, too. I thought it was so nice of them to think of me. I think when someone does something nice like that for you, it's so important to take it in the spirit it was given in . . . love. That was so sweet. I have a few pictures of the stuff: <br />
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Next thing to write about . . . Remember the lady I mentioned previously . . . my friend Cindy that I ran into a week after my last chemo? At that time, the cancer had spread to her brain, and they were sending her in THAT DAY to set up radiation. She was not doing well at all, and I thought to myself, "She only has a few weeks left, at most." I hoped maybe I would run into her at radiation, but I never did. I found out that she passed away not long after that day in September when I saw her. Probably only a few days later. That's why I never ran into her at radiation. I am so sorry for her family---she left behind a husband and 14-year old daughter, and an older daughter as well. This is what I hope DOESN'T happen to me. And I'm so very sorry it happened to them. She had a funny sense of humor, and she fought the cancer hard. I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore, and hope her family is doing well.<br />
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So, now for the unnerving part . . . I found out my future treatment plan. I don't love it. I had hoped there would be some way we could monitor me to make sure the cancer wasn't coming back. But the Dr. told me that scans just add a lot of extra radiation. He said if it comes back, it will be in the lung, so I need to keep an eye out for unexplained pain in my lung, a cough that won't go away, unexplained nausea, or unexplained generally feeling rotten. That's so unnerving. I had hoped there would be a good way we could watch for it and catch it if it comes back BEFORE it gets to the lung. But, as close to the chest wall as that tumor was, I guess it wouldn't be surprising that it would head straight for my lung. <br />
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Because it is estrogen dependent, I will also be on anti-estrogen medication. In some ways that also makes me nervous. I hadn't even thought about this until my sister-in-law mentioned it yesterday, but what if it makes me grouchy? I don't want my family to have to suffer. And, of course, there's the bone density issue that this brings up . . . I'm starting menopause pretty early, so I also have to take a WHOPPING dose of calcium and vitamin D every day. That increases my chance of another kidney stone, but helps with the bone density. <br />
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Oh, dear. I think it would be easier to deal with if I could have a "scan" or some sort of "evidence" to show that things were ok in there. I've been trying to absorb all this information---I think, really, it leads me back to where we started. I just need to try my best not to worry about it--watch for symptoms, but just take each day as it comes and just trust that Heavenly Father cares enough about my family to do what is best for us. So, I will continue trying to practice having faith. I'm learning that it takes practice!bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-47312101124065649012014-11-29T06:05:00.001-08:002014-11-29T06:05:41.029-08:00Friday, November 28,2014<br />
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It's Black Friday. Notice where I am not? That's right. I'm home and I plan on staying home! <br />
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My last day of radiation was good. I'm SO glad to be done, but I will miss all the great people there. When you see them every day, they become your friends. I'm sad about that, but not sad enough to go back for more treatment!<br />
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Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was wonderful! Mean mom that I am, I gave my kids a writing assignment on Monday and Tuesday. (They really groaned, but I bribed them with chocolate. :-) ) I asked them to write what they have learned this year. I wanted them to recognize the value of trials, even though they are hard. Here are their responses:<br />
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My 6-year old has a hard time expressing himself verbally, so he needed some help. He wrote: "Prayer." I asked him more about that, and together we came up with, "Heavenly Father answers prayers." "Please bless all those who are sick so they can get all the way feeling better." "We can ask Heavenly Father to help sick people."<br />
He wrote "Family." I asked more about that, and together we came up with "They love each other, family is important."<br />
He wrote "Heavenly Father's Plan." We came up with "Jesus died for us, so we can be resurrected like He was. They (someone who dies) can be resurrected, so we could see and be with them again." He wrote, "Wrighting." (His writing has come a long way this year---he's in 1st grade now. Although he spelled 'writing' wrong, isn't it interesting how he spelled it? I'm surprised that he used "ght.") "Reading." (Ditto for reading.) "Helping." (He really has had to help more at home.) "Seting the teabl" (Setting the table---like I said, he has had to help more around the house.) "Doing my job." (Likewise.) When I talked to him about it, he elaborated, "[I have had to] help and do my job. [I have learned] to be a good worker."<br />
He also wrote that he has learned "Playing", "Painting." <br />
He also told me "That you can get girl cancer or boy cancer. Sometimes it is scary and sometimes it is not. Your eyebrows and hair fall out." <br />
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My 8-year old wrote (without help):<br />
"I learned how to work harder. I learned to put others needs before yours. I leaned that through priesthood power anything is possible if it is Heavenly Father's will. I learned how to help make the house like a temple. I learned how to be greatful (grateful) for what you have and not be jealous. I learned that what you do is how others see you. I learned that a person is a person no matter how small. I learned that you should not judge someone by their looks. I learned that there are more valuable things than money."<br />
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My 11-year old wrote:<br />
"I learned how to tell Heavenly Father about my day whenever I pray and I also learned that having cancer (chemotherapy, whatever) in the family is hard. I learned that Heavenly Father answers our prayers and I also learned that when Mom has real cancer, it's kinda hard. I also learned how to floss and brush every night before bed and I have made a habit to write cursive, put my name on every paper, add my class number, and the date! I also learned that Heavenly Father really is there, and that the church is true. I have found out that squirrels sweat through their feet, and that 90% of people can't lick their elbows, and that hippo sweat is red, and that every Christmas Eve, a dude dressed as Santa Claus water skis on a river in Maryland, and that sadly, Kaylee [her friend] moved . . . I'm ok, though. I think . . . . "<br />
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My 14-year old wrote:<br />
"Throughout this year of 2014, I have learned to be more grateful for everything we have. For freedoms, families, homes, friends, and so much more! I have learned that each day is a blessing. Each day has more and more surprises and blessings to be thankful for. I have learned that God will bless us with peace and comfort in times of need. He will help us to be faithful. He will listen when we tell Him about hard things or good times in our lives. <br />
"I have also learned that if something is hard, stick with it. The reward (although it may not seem like much) is so wonderful if you have worked hard for it. Likewise, no matter what anybody says about your performance, as long as you did all you could, it is still okay. Don't give up on something even if someone is rude about how you do. If you give up, you will lose the reward of doing your best. I have learned to try and that is all that counts is how hard you try . . . .<br />
"I have found that I love to write and use my imagination to put my thoughts on paper. I have learned that life is a special gift to enjoy each day.<br />
"I have learned that the world will not end if you have to give a presentation. Although you don't want to do it, the world will not end when you give it.<br />
"I have learned to appreciate family more, and that trials can make you grow stronger.<br />
"I have learned skills that will help me when I am a mother. Skills such as; Playing with children, cooking for children, being kind and PATIENCE! Patience is so important when dealing with children because they don't always cooperate. <br />
"I have learned how much of a blessing someone can be in your life. Look past the outward appearance, and you may find a diamond in the rough. Someone may not seem like much, but if you get to know them, they could be one of the nicest people you know. Everyone else might not see it, no matter how hard you try to get them to see. Always stand up for what is right. You may get bullied or teased, but God is on your side if you do what is right." <br />
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My 16-year old wrote:<br />
"I have learned many things this year through school and Mom's cancer. I have learned ecology in Science. But the thing that has taught me the most this past year is the trial of my mom's cancer. It has been hard to deal with sometimes. But because of it, I have learned temperance, trust, and faith in God, and have felt a deep sense of understanding, and an appreciation for the Atonement. I have learned that some of the promised blessings and lessons come through hard things, and that they sometimes take a long time to come. I have learned to trust and have faith in God. He knows what He is doing, and knows what I need and want better than I do. He has a perfect plan where we are tried. He does not leave us alone, thanks to Christ's Atonement. H is here for us, and loves us more than we can understand. I have felt deep peace and understanding."<br />
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I asked my husband to write one, but so far nothing has happened . . . I think he correctly guessed that I would post it. If it does, I'll add it onto the end of this post! <br />
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With many of my kid's responses, I understand the circumstances (other than cancer) that have happened to help them to learn these things. It makes it all worth it (did I just say that?????) and makes me all the more determined to stay above ground for a LONG time so that I can be around to continue teaching them and watching their growth. I'm proud of them for being tough through the hard times, and I hope I can continue trying to help them with the things they struggle with.<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-83549062085315346752014-11-24T05:42:00.000-08:002015-03-26T07:11:02.362-07:00Monday, November 24, 2014<br />
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LAST DAY OF RADIATION! Hooray! I was going to mention a few things in my last post, but I forgot. <br />
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Another one of those beautiful things I have seen traveling back and forth occurred on Veteran's Day. My kids always have programs at their school to honor the veterans. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to all of them because of my radiation appointment, but I wanted to go to what I could, for as long as I could. I went to one program, but had to leave early. It was a cold day; the first day we really had snow on the ground. Only 5 minutes after leaving the program, I saw a bald eagle perched on a power pole. It was beautiful, and seemed to be very fitting for that day.<br />
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On a more serious note, I wanted to mention a few things. If I've mentioned them earlier, sorry. Blame chemo for my forgetfulness. :-) <br />
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There are a lot of things that we believe about breast cancer that are myths. I want to get the word out about that! First of all, there are a lot of different types of breast cancer, and the symptoms can vary. Some can be diagnosed via mammogram, and others can't. Add to this complex mix the fact that healthy breast tissue can be very dense. All of this can make finding and diagnosing pretty tricky.<br />
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My early "symptoms" were not things that we think of as being symptoms. I couldn't feel a lump. But I did notice that breast was tender a lot of the time, even when the other one wasn't. I didn't worry about it because A. I couldn't feel a lump, and B. I had read that breast lumps aren't usually tender. In hindsight, I catch the word "usually." But, please learn from me----even though they usually aren't painful, they can be.<br />
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Secondly, I have a family history of a lot of other cancers, but no breast cancer history. Therefore, I couldn't have breast cancer, could I? Wrong. Now I know that 80-85% of all women that have breast cancer have no breast cancer history. This can happen to any woman (and men, too), regardless of a history of breast cancer. If you do have a history, your risk is even higher.<br />
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Thirdly, I'm too young to have breast cancer. Wrong again. I can't remember the exact ages, but the most common age group for breast cancer is about 50-60 (I say that pretty loosely, because I can't remember the exact age breakdowns.) Now I catch the word "most." That doesn't mean "all." Since being diagnosed, I have heard of several women that have had breast cancer in their 30's. Eric, one of the radiation therapy guys, told me that they had one patient that was 24. She found a lump when showering. I have also recently read that in recent years, there has been an increase in the number of young (being defined as 30-something) women being diagnosed with aggressive breast cancers. They don't know the reason. <br />
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I guess from my perspective, what I want others to learn from this experience is this: Do your exams. If you miss one, do it when you remember. Know what your breasts look like in the mirror, and what they feel like. If something changes---looks or feels different---keep an eye on it. If it doesn't go back to "normal" within a week or two, go in and just have it checked out. Chances are good that you will be "wasting your money." But, go check it out. If it ends up being something bad, the earlier you catch it, the better.<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218525031619588599.post-22145238488803173002014-11-22T07:12:00.001-08:002014-11-22T07:12:37.668-08:00Saturday, November 22, 2014<br />
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Well, my last post was at my "low point." I had some responsibilities for one of my callings, and had some decisions to make. At that point, I was really feeling the pressure . . . but now that's a lot better. :-)<br />
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So, I have one more day of radiation. I have felt really good through the whole thing, just a little more tired than usual. Some nights, I have to turn family responsibilities over to my husband and head for bed early---just can't stay awake one more minute. But during the day, I have felt good. The last week or so, the radiation burns have become pretty painful. But, wow! I made it to almost the end before they really started to get to me. I've done well. (Interestingly enough, they say that darker skinned people have a harder time with the burns . . . so, once again, I have been very blessed.) They have given me some products to help out--- 100% aloe to use all along. Then when it's gotten worse, silvadine (I may have spelled that wrong) cream, which really helps. And also, sheets of Mepilex. Those are sheets of foam--think of a large piece of gauze and you have about the correct thickness. On one side it's foam, and on the other, it's adhesive. You stick the adhesive to your skin. I don't know how and why they work, but they are AWESOME!!!!!! They really, really help. :-) I'm feeling really lucky that they have taken such good care of me. I would recommend these great medical people to anyone---I think of them as friends, now, and I'm going to miss them when I'm done. I have also met other patients, and have discovered that when you both have cancer, you have a natural "bond" because you are going through the same things. I have met the nicest people.<br />
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The last week or so as I have made the daily drive, I have thought a lot about how much I have been blessed. It's funny . . . I had a lot of blessings before this all happened, and I was appreciative, but this has made me so much more aware. <br />
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The time away from home and family has been hard, but we have kind of gotten into a routine, so it has started to smooth out some. I thought I would HATE the drive, but I haven't. Until the last 2 weeks, I have had perfect fall weather so the roads have been good. Thinking back, I have seen such pretty scenery as I have driven. When I first started, the fall colors were on, and they were at their peak of brilliance. As the weeks have gone on, I have watched the leaves gradually drop off the trees. With our recent snows, I have seen scenery that looks like something off a Christmas card. I have seen evergreen trees, heavy with snow. On other days, when it's bitterly cold, I have seen frost clinging to the bare branches of trees. The other day, there were several deer out near the road--one buck and several does. It has been beautiful.<br />
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Another blessing is that it has given me the opportunity to do my Christmas shopping early. I am almost done. I have NEVER, EVER been this far along this early. With a lot of other responsibilities in my callings and extended family that are coming my way shortly, having my shopping all done is going to really going to help me out! I'm super excited about that!<br />
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My eyebrows have grown back so much I don't need eyebrow pencil at all anymore. My eyelashes are coming . . . still kinda stubby and straight, but there! I don't know how much more they will grow, or if they will ever curl at all, but you know, if they don't grow more, and they stay straight, that's a small price to pay for my life. My hair is long enough and thick enough now that you can see it. :-) It's growing pretty slowly, but coming! It's really fine--very soft like baby hair. On the down side, I'm having to shave my legs and armpits again. Oh, well. It's worth it.<br />
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One thing I need to be prepared for that I mentioned previously in passing. I have been very focused on fighting cancer. When this is all over and life gets back to "normal" (whatever that is!) I need to be prepared for the fear that's going to come along with day-to-day living, hoping it's not growing in there, and being afraid it might. I felt a little of that last night. I had always thought that once the treatments were over, it would be back to business as usual, but I can see it won't be. So, I need to be thinking about how to manage that so the fear doesn't swarm in and rule my life. <br />
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Well, these kids are fighting. Time to have breakfast and start Saturday cleaning jobs!<br />
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<br />bretthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10198900603844955254noreply@blogger.com0