Saturday, October 25th

Do you ever feel like a stick?  I feel like a stick---I'm bending and bending and bending and wondering how much further I can bend before I break.  Today is so busy--I'm not sure how we are going to make it.  It would have been tight anyway, but some things have changed, and now we're really going to be dancing a jig!!  Hats off to my 2 girls, who have both recognized the need to "step up" and help, and they have/are.  I have tried very,very hard to keep a sense of normalcy around here for my kids. I think that was important, but sometimes I think I did TOO good a job of it.  Just sayin'.  But let's look at the bright side---by the time I go to bed tonight, it will all be behind me, whether I made it to all the places I'm supposed to or not.

The other day I was in the Dr. office waiting to have my port flushed, and I picked up a magazine and started reading.  It was talking about being a cancer survivor, and the emotions that many cancer survivors experience.  Note that this is AFTER they have beaten it.  I didn't read the whole article, but I scanned it.  It talked about depression, anxiety, fear, guilt . . . I can't remember all of them.  I have been thinking about that.  It is a life-changing experience, to be sure, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the changes in my body that are resulting from the surgery and treatments.  Maybe that's part of the reason people experience those?  I guess I need to make sure I'm prepared for all that.

So far, the only one of those things I feel is fear.  Frequently, I feel a sense of fear rising in me.  "What if it comes back?"  "What if there's some growing in a lymph node they didn't get?"  And the list goes on.  It becomes a bit of a mental exercise.  I have to force myself to stop thinking that way and remind myself that Heavenly Father is in charge, and He knows my needs, and those of my family.  I am practicing every day to remember to trust Him and not worry.  Some days that comes easily, others not so much.

Well, I have a little helper pushing keys on the keyboard, so I better go make breakfast and change his stinky diaper.