Monday, September 15, 2014

Monday, Sept. 15th
I'm procrastinating because I don't want to clean up the weekend rubble.  :-)  So, I am starting to feel pretty good.  Most of the dizziness is gone now--I just have an occasional moment now, and that gets better every day.  It feels so good to feel good!

The last few days I've been thinking about how this experience has changed me permanently.  There are the obvious physical changes (scars, hot flashes, etc.), and I mentioned in a previous post some of the things I've learned (that I hope I retain after this is over.)  I realized, though, that there are some ways of thinking that have changed, too.  Right after I had surgery, I (very subconsciously) found myself trying to "hide" from my husband.  I didn't want him to see my incisions, even though he was very kind and very accepting of the fact that I had cancer.  I realized that I felt "broken" and that somehow I felt like I had given him a raw deal . . . as if he had purchased a car that he thought was nice, only to find out it was a piece of junk.  Subconsciously, I felt like I had let him down by turning out to be a piece of junk.  That sounds so dumb now, but that's how I felt.  I'm sure a lot of it had to do with the shock of the whole experience, and was a natural part of the process of trying to find acceptance with it.  So, the other day when I was thinking abut this, I realized that there is a part of me that hasn't completely found acceptance with this whole situation.  I don't feel as broken as I did, and I don't feel like I need to hide anymore, but I realized I'm still making the mental adjustment.

However, the things I hated before about myself physically (my excess weight, the little lines that are starting to appear in my face) don't seem to matter ONE BIT anymore!  I wonder when I "get back to normal" (which will be different than "normal" used to be) if I will care about those things again?  I don't really know.  One thing I do know is that the last few months, as I've heard women obsessing about a few extra pounds, and heard about all the ways they are depriving themselves to try to drop those pounds, I think NO WAY!  I am not going to live that way!  (Because, wouldn't it be a shame if I lived my whole life depriving myself and being miserable about it so I didn't die from a heart attack, and then the cancer came back and I died from that?)  Obviously, I will need to try to eat healthy and exercise regularly.  I tried to do that before, within reason, and I will do it again.  But I REFUSE to live my life feeling deprived or forcing myself to exercise excessively!  I've learned that life is a gift--much too short to spend in misery.  (And to me, excessive exercise and dieting=MISERY.)

One other thing I should mention.  Last week, when I went in for my 1 week after chemo check up, the lady I mentioned in my last post was in the Dr. office.  She looked really rough.  I went to give her a hug and talk to her.  She is NOT doing well.  The cancer has spread to her brain, and they are going to start radiation on her brain.  The chemo just quit working for her, and nothing else they have tried has helped, either.  She seemed to be in despair, and said that all this time, through a lumpectomy, a double mastectomy, several different types of chemo, radiation, etc. she has never thrown up . . . until now.  Now she's throwing up a lot, and has a headache all the time.  Her husband looked awful, too.  You could see the tension, fatigue, stress, worry, etc. written all over his face.  I feel so badly for both of them, and the rest of their family that I haven't met.  I hope the radiation helps to slow it, but I'm afraid it won't.  The cancer has just taken over.  I pray for them--pray that the treatments will work if it's God's will, or if it's time for her to go that they will find peace with it.  I am mourning for her . . . she wants so badly to live.  And I wonder . . . if I were in her shoes (and I hope I never am) would I still be fighting as hard as she is?

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