Wed. Aug. 6th, 2014

I have so much work to do it's not even funny.  I really should work on all of that, but I'm procrastinating! :-}

Well, I've had a lot of weird chemo symptoms that I've been able to avoid thus far that have now descended upon me.  They are really annoying!  The 3 middle toes on my feet are numb.  It is so weird.  I can still feel pain and pressure, thankfully, but it sure feels strange.  And my heart is going really fast; my pulse is 90+.  My heart almost hurts sometimes.  I've talked to the Dr. about it, and he said it's not unusual.  It's because of inflammation, thanks to chemo.  He told me the symptoms that I need to watch for and call about.  So, far I've been o.k. as far as those are concerned, but this whole heart racing thing is pretty annoying!

This past weekend, we went down to Utah for a "Family Reunion/Baby Blessing."  My family's reunion was supposed to be scheduled for the end of July, but it ended up being that hardly anyone could come, so we re-scheduled for the weekend my brother would be blessing his baby.  All my siblings/spouses/kids and my parents were there.  It was so fun.  We stayed in a motel (always a treat for the kids), swam (the motel had an indoor water park), and just enjoyed each other.  Then we went to my brother's church for the baby blessing, and had dinner after the block at my brother and sister-in-law's house.  For me, it was a badly needed mental health experience!

While I was down there, a few things happened that are worth mentioning . . .

First, I got to see a few of the members of my extended family--my aunt, and my cousin.  It was so nice to see them both.  They are both awesome!  :-)

Secondly, I mentioned earlier that my sister had just gotten married in April.  Her husband's mother had breast cancer when he was growing up, and she went through chemo, etc.  I was talking to him and he asked me "How has your family grown from this experience?"  I didn't have a ready answer, other than that my kids have really "stepped up" as far as taking responsibility for each other and around the house.  He said his family developed greater unity as a result of their experience.  The conversation with him really got me thinking.  I think we are developing greater unity, too, though I will probably see it more when I'm looking back on it.

So, when I was at church in my brother's ward, in the middle of Sacrament meeting, I was thinking about it all, and all of a sudden without any notice I found myself crying my eyes out.  I was suddenly seeing all the growth in members of our family.  I finally started writing down the things I was thinking about because I wanted to remember them.  Here's the list:

Through this experience, I have come to an absolute knowledge that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my family---and everyone else, too.  I have felt the Holy Ghost going through this with me and giving me peace---it's such a subtle feeling that I don't always notice, but when I stop and think about it, I realize it's been there all the time.  It's kind of like when the temperature in the room is just right--you don't notice how comfortable you are unless you think about it.

I have learned to enjoy the little things.  This is something that I've struggled with in the past.  I've been so busy worrying and working that I haven't taken time to appreciate all the things that are right and good.  I'm sure this will be something that will be an ongoing learning experience, but this has helped me to learn to appreciate all the little things.

I am learning to be patient.  There are some days I just want this whole mess to be over with.  And, I'm learning that rather than succumbing to frustration and getting angry or grouchy, I need to take a deep breath and be patient.  This too shall pass.

I am learning that every day really is a gift.  Really.  It's not like I didn't know that my life could end at any given moment--I did know that.  But this has made mortality so much more real.  This one really goes along with enjoying all the little things.  Each day we have to experience on this earth is a gift from God; if we look at it that way, and try to appreciate the little things, it helps us to remember what a blessing each day is.

I'm not afraid of death.  I have come to understand that even though death seems like a bad thing, and it definitely has frightening elements, it really is a beautiful gift from God.  It's part of His plan, and when we have finished our time here on earth, we are given the beautiful opportunity to go home to Him.  (And as long as we let that be on His time schedule rather than ours, it is a beautiful thing.)  I know it's hard on the people left behind, and I'm hoping my work here isn't done yet, because I have a family that I think still needs me, but if it IS my time, I'm not afraid of it.

This has been a growing opportunity for my marriage.  Along the lines of every day being a gift, we have come to appreciate each other more.  I appreciate my husband's support--some marriages break up over stuff like this, but he's there, reassuring me that all the ugly scars are o.k., and it's o.k. if I need to lay down and rest.  He even tries to help me when he can, especially after I've had a treatment.

I think all of us have had our faith strengthened.  I know I have.  A week or so ago, I asked all my kids how they were doing.  They all said they're doing fine, because they "know it's going to be o.k."  They all pray for me, and I'm sure they are also feeling the influence of the Holy Ghost.

I've come to appreciate family more.  I'm sorry to say, in the past, I didn't care about going to family reunions.  I was annoyed with all the work.  For close family (like my siblings), I got annoyed with all their oddities.  And for extended family (like aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.), I was so self-conscious about my own weaknesses, I was shy about re-connecting with all of them.  (I really am pretty shy about social interactions.)  I am realizing that was a self-centered approach, and that opportunities to reconnect with family are priceless . . . because every day is a gift.

I also noticed that when I was at the family reunion, all my family's little oddities and quirks didn't bother me like they usually do.  Mostly, I just felt gratitude for each person, and noticed what good people they are.  I noticed all of our quirks, but I was able to relax about it and not be annoyed.  I hope I remember this thing for next time we are all together!

Thirdly, there were a few times that people in my brother's ward said "hi" to me as if they knew me.  But I didn't know them!  After talking to my brother, I found out that they DO know who I am, even if they don't know my name.  He said they know, and they're praying for me.  Again, that is such a wonderfully strange experience.  I have always struggled with my self-esteem.  I have felt maybe I wasn't very important, or that I just wasn't good enough.  I have always worried that maybe I really wasn't loved because I wasn't lovable.  I can't really explain what it feels like to have so many people praying for me and thinking about me and pulling for me.  It helps me to realize that even though I have a lot of weaknesses, people do love me and care about me.  It's weird to think that with all the concerns and cares they have in their own lives, they take time out to pray for me and think of me.  It helps me to understand the concept of all of us being a big family--Heavenly Father's children---and it helps me to understand the value that each of us have to Him, simply because of our identity as His children.

Before I went to the reunion, I wasn't sure if I should go.  I was afraid of getting sick due to my lowered immunity, and I was worried I would be too tired and that it would wear me out.  Well, I'm tired, but it was so good for my mental health, I'm glad I went.  It was one great step in helping me to get ready for the next treatment.  I hope I am able to continue preparing (in all ways) so that I'm ready when it comes!  It's coming right up!