Tuesday, July 29th
The last several weeks have been so crazy, I really haven't had time to do more than jot a few thoughts down, and I'm not sure they have even made much sense, so I'm going to try to do a better job expressing thoughts and feelings about all this stuff.

One thing I really did not anticipate going into this whole adventure is how much of a mental game it would be.  In order for me to keep myself emotionally afloat, and keep my family afloat as well, it is critical that I take care of myself mentally.  That requires preparation before having chemo.  My last chemo (#4) was last week.  I think I should have gotten about a 'D' for preparation.  I did great as far as physical preparation (making casseroles, doing laundry, making sure all the bills are paid, etc.) is concerned--that's the easy part.  Mental preparation is much tougher, and I'm finding that chemo is taking a toll on all of us mentally.  I tried to prepare for it, but the demands of parenting and the drain of children quarreling took their toll.  I was NOT ready.  The good part is that my family had a "half-way through chemo" party for me, and my visiting teacher took me out for a milkshake to celebrate.  Those two things are the ONLY things that got me through.

Right now, I can't even express how much I just want all this to be over with.  It's hard to not get discouraged.  My husband and older kids are run ragged with work.  Their jobs keep them hopping, and when they're home, they are helping here---just doing what they have to do.  I'm so sick of chemo, and everything that goes with it.  I'm tired of feeling like throwing up (even though the nausea medications have kept vomiting at bay), I'm tired of tiredness/weakness.  I'm tired of the (ahem) digestive issues that come along with chemo.  I'm tired of the brain fog.  I'm tired of food tasting weird.  I'm tired of sleeping all day, but I'm too tired not to sleep all day.  I'm tired of needing help, and sitting around watching other people do all the work while I lounge around feeling crappy.  I have "restless legs."  I want to get up and go for a brisk walk, but I can't get any further than the couch before I run out of steam.  Lest any of you should be too alarmed, I've felt this way at this point in each cycle.  This is where mental toughness comes in.  I just have to remember to be patient and give myself a few more days.  I also have to remember that my attitude will be the one that my family follows, so I have to try to gather the shreds of my brain back together and be positive for them.  And I have to make a conscious effort NOT to think about future chemo cycles.  Instead, I'm thinking of the things I'm going to do once I feel a little better . . .  and then trying to remember to be patient until that day comes.  :-)

One thing I haven't previously mentioned . . . One day before my last chemo, there was a knock on the door.  It was the guy I went to school with, whose son had cancer and went through two years of chemo. He had come over to bring some money to us.  Apparently, in addition to a float in the parade, they sold tee shirts and had a dunking booth at the park on July 4th.  They split all the money they earned between me and another family.  Again, I am so touched by their kindness and generosity, and the generosity of all the people who made donations.  I need to write a thank you letter to the newspaper, because the community has been so kind and generous, but with this brain fog I have going, the whole idea intimidates me.  I guess maybe I'll have to wait a few more days, and hopefully when I don't feel quite so crummy, the fog will lift a little???

Even as much as this is all taking a toll on all of us, I can also look at our family, and see that it's helping us grow, too.  I know we will be much stronger when it's all over because of the struggle.  Also, even as hard as it is, I know that others deal with things that are so much worse.

So, for today and tomorrow, and every day until I feel good enough to get a little further than the couch, I'm planning to make lemonade out of the lemons.  I'm going to sit and play games and read and do art projects, etc. with my kids.  It will be good for all of us.  And then, look out everybody, I'm going to be playing hard (somehow) so I'm ready when it's time for #5.