Wed. June 18, 2014
I've had a lot of thoughts tumbling around inside my head this last week, but yesterday I didn't have time to really delve into them.  So, here goes.

First, lately I've heard a lot of cancer "horror" stories . . . true stories of people whose outcome "should" have been good, but it isn't.  Those kind of freaked me out, and I found myself fighting panic for days on end, because if someone else whose prognosis was initially so good could turn out that way, mine must be right on track to turn out so much worse . . . . . it makes sense logically.  Eventually (and it DID take a while) I had to go back and remember again that the end of my story hasn't been written yet, and I need to stop putting the cart ahead of the horse.  I had to remember---again---that Heavenly Father knows my needs and those of my family, and I had to remember to just let it go---again----and put my trust in Him.  I had to remember the plan for this illness . . . "work" like everything is up to me (which in my case is have all the treatments medicine recommends) and "pray" like everything is up to God (self-explanatory.)  Remembering that made it easier to let go of the panic.

I mentioned this yesterday . . . I found that the last couple of days when I was just starting to feel better were really frustrating and discouraging.  I was tired of not being "smart" and feeling lousy, and just wanted it to be over.  My brother described the brain fog by saying that he could see that it was taking my most intense concentration to just carry on a conversation.  That's a good description.  I remember concentrating as hard as I could to try to say what I wanted to say, because I didn't want to sound stupid.  It  was just so frustrating.  And I didn't feel good, and nothing tasted the least bit appetizing, and then I would think ahead about 4 more chemo treatments, and get very overwhelmed.  And then I would have to remind myself to stop trying to "eat the whole elephant in one bite."  Then a few minutes later I would begin feeling frustrated and discouraged again and repeat the whole process.  I remember that I felt discouraged like that last chemo cycle, too, right before I got feeling better, so I expect I will probably go through that with each cycle.  I'm just going to have to remember to take it a day (or a minute) at a time.  Last night, I started coughing my head off again, and that has been frustrating, too.  Anyone see a pattern here?

I am realizing that the main lesson I am trying to learn--again--is about trust and faith.  I was thinking about exercise.  We don't exercise by sitting on the couch watching someone on TV; we exercise by getting up and getting moving--regularly.  I realized our faith is like that, too.  "Exercising" faith is not passive--it's active.  We have to try and try again.  Thus the pattern we are seeing . . .  I just have to keep remembering to go back to the basics each time I start feeling doubt or fear or frustration.  I'm sure I will be able to look back later and see growth, but right now, it seems like I am just trying to remember to apply the same lesson I thought I already learned last week. . . kind of like exercising, I guess!  :-)

I'm just glad that I am starting to feel a little better for now.  I plan to enjoy the next two weeks, even with the coughing fits, thank you very much!