Tues. June 10, 2014

I just have a few things I've been thinking about . . .

First, I am feeling SO much better.  Still get coughing sometimes and can't quit, but each day is better than the one before.  I have hope that maybe I will still be well enough to have my treatment this week.  Not that I really WANT to, but I NEED to, so I hope I can.  I've been fighting this silly thing since March, off and on.  Well, I realized something.  I was sick when I went in for the mammo.  Then the whole time I was chomping at the bit to hurry and have the surgery, I was "trying to get over my cold."  And then the whole time I was healing from surgery and preparing for my first treatment, I was "trying to get over my cold."  In each case, I would pray and pray that I would be well enough, and I was.  It always came back, but when I needed to be well the most, I was.  It seems that that same thing is happening again (knock on wood now) but maybe, just maybe, the getting better part is in answer to my prayers.  And maybe the getting sick again part is to help me learn to let go and trust.  It's going to be a long time before I get good at that, but I'm trying!!!!

Secondly, tonight I went to drop my daughter off at the church, and ran into a sweet lady I know.  We began talking about trials, and how hard some of them are.  Since I've been diagnosed, I have had conversations with so many people about trials.  I had always heard that "Everybody has something."  I have found that to be so true!!!  Sometimes it's medical issues in you or someone you love, sometimes it's death, often it's bad choices by family members or close friends, sometimes it might even be the consequences of your own foolish choices, sometimes it's something that you wanted so badly---a righteous desire---that has not happened.  I think the hardest ones are the ones you CAN'T talk about openly . . . the ones when you have to suffer silently and put on a happy face.  But everybody really does have something!

I have been so much more keenly aware of the suffering of others since I've been diagnosed.  I'm sure the suffering existed before that; I just didn't know.  Somehow, it has opened a dialogue with others about it, and I've found out how many of them are suffering something right now, too.  But not all their suffering is as "obvious" as hair loss, or as "safe" to talk about.  It has made me more aware of the need to serve others, even if it's just with a smile, and to be careful not to be too quick to judge them.  It's better to just love them.  My prayers keep getting longer and longer, because I keep becoming aware of more and more people that are suffering, and they need my prayers just as much as I need theirs.  I am so glad that Heavenly Father knows and loves them, too.

Have to end with one of my favorite quotes . . .

"Some are tested by poor health, some by a body that is deformed or homely.  Others are tested by handsome and healthy bodies; some by the passion of youth, others by the erosions of age.

"Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems, others live in poverty and obscurity.  Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.

"All are part of the test, and there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect."  (Elder Boyd K. Packer, The Choice, Ensign, November 1980, p. 20.)

I guess the challenge before us is to allow the tests to refine us, not destroy us, so we can become the people Heavenly Father wants us to become.