Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Tuesday, Sept. 30

OK.  Some say that chemo doesn't affect your brain . . . I beg to differ!  In addition to my ever-present forgetfulness, I have discovered a touch of insanity.  :-}  I have felt restless for so long, so after not exercising at all for the whole summer, I exercised yesterday.  It's amazing how fast you can lose whatever fitness you had managed to attain.  I was huffing and puffing like crazy.  So, today I hit the elliptical again.  And (I never thought I would EVER, EVER say this) IT FEELS GREAT!!!  I'm all sweaty, and feeling fantastic.  And I was convinced that I hated exercise.  Weird.  See, told you it made me insane!

This whole experience has made me, and continues to make me, grateful for each day.  I hope I remember that . . . each day is such a gift.  And it's so nice to be healthy enough to hit the elliptical--even slowly!

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Sunday, September 28
This past Thursday would have been my next chemo, but guess what?  I don't have to have another chemo!!!  Hooray!

I am feeling better all the time, and it feels fantastic.  My toes are still a bit numb, but it is decreasing.  and I still have chemo brain a little (so frustrating to forget things!)  But it's so nice to have a little break before I start radiation!  And you should see my fingernails!  I took a picture, but I don't know if it will show up; my fingernails have stripes on them.  No, it's not fingernail polish.  The chemo slowed the growth of my fingernails after each treatment, so I have 5 stripes on my nails (the 6th one hasn't grown out far enough to see yet.)  They are weird and kind of cool, but not worth having chemo to get!  You can see it best on my ring finger.



My hair is starting to grow just a tiny bit.  In some places you can just start feeling a little bit of stubble on my head.  I don't really know how long it will take for it to grow back.  My kids and I were discussing Halloween costumes and I was thinking of all the people I could dress up as with a bald head, like Mr. Clean.  (But wouldn't it be great if I didn't have a bald head by then?)  I guess if I'm still bald on Halloween, I'll look forward to Thanksgiving (who would ever have thought to be thankful for hair?) or Christmas (a great Christmas gift!)  I'm really looking forward to having hair again, just because with hair I looked like everyone else, more or less.  That meant I was invisible, which is OK by me.  But without, people notice me and remember me.  They are always very kind and very concerned, but I am beginning to look forward to being invisible once again.  Just a couple of examples:  I've shopped at a certain store in the mall for years, and been helped by an employee there, but he never "remembered" me . . . until now.  Now he does, because my head wear makes me "stand out."  I was with my family in a local restaurant recently, and a man (who had had a bit too much to drink) came up to me and asked if I was suffering from cancer.  I wasn't offended, just caught COMPLETELY off guard.  Of course, it was the skull cap that gave it away.  I suppose I could solve this problem by buying a wig, but a wig just isn't me!  Plus, as I discussed in a previous post, there are very few wigs in the size I need (you measure from hairline to hairline.)  I COULD make a larger size work, but, like I said, it's just not me.

However, when I think back about that time when I was first diagnosed, and the oncologist went over the treatment plan and told me I would lose my hair, I was horrified.  The thought of losing my hair was as awful as the cancer diagnosis itself.  But, you know, I adjusted.  I've done just fine.

And, so, before I close, I have to tell you a little story.  My 6 year old son always makes a "monkey face" and a "gorilla face."  It's so dang cute.  So, one day, we were sitting around the table eating dinner as a family, and he made his "monkey face."  We all laughed, and then my husband told me I should make a monkey face because "with your bald head it will probably be really funny."  So I did, and everyone got a good laugh.  As this opportunity is hopefully passing shortly, I made a monkey face this morning and had my son take a picture.  I did it before putting on my make-up so it would look more monkey-like.  Prepare yourself . . .


And now, to replace the horrific image that is now stuck in your mind, my "baby" saw me making a monkey face, and imitated me.  And it was just so stinkin' cute I had to take a picture.

Have a great day!  :-)

Monday, September 15, 2014

Monday, Sept. 15th
I'm procrastinating because I don't want to clean up the weekend rubble.  :-)  So, I am starting to feel pretty good.  Most of the dizziness is gone now--I just have an occasional moment now, and that gets better every day.  It feels so good to feel good!

The last few days I've been thinking about how this experience has changed me permanently.  There are the obvious physical changes (scars, hot flashes, etc.), and I mentioned in a previous post some of the things I've learned (that I hope I retain after this is over.)  I realized, though, that there are some ways of thinking that have changed, too.  Right after I had surgery, I (very subconsciously) found myself trying to "hide" from my husband.  I didn't want him to see my incisions, even though he was very kind and very accepting of the fact that I had cancer.  I realized that I felt "broken" and that somehow I felt like I had given him a raw deal . . . as if he had purchased a car that he thought was nice, only to find out it was a piece of junk.  Subconsciously, I felt like I had let him down by turning out to be a piece of junk.  That sounds so dumb now, but that's how I felt.  I'm sure a lot of it had to do with the shock of the whole experience, and was a natural part of the process of trying to find acceptance with it.  So, the other day when I was thinking abut this, I realized that there is a part of me that hasn't completely found acceptance with this whole situation.  I don't feel as broken as I did, and I don't feel like I need to hide anymore, but I realized I'm still making the mental adjustment.

However, the things I hated before about myself physically (my excess weight, the little lines that are starting to appear in my face) don't seem to matter ONE BIT anymore!  I wonder when I "get back to normal" (which will be different than "normal" used to be) if I will care about those things again?  I don't really know.  One thing I do know is that the last few months, as I've heard women obsessing about a few extra pounds, and heard about all the ways they are depriving themselves to try to drop those pounds, I think NO WAY!  I am not going to live that way!  (Because, wouldn't it be a shame if I lived my whole life depriving myself and being miserable about it so I didn't die from a heart attack, and then the cancer came back and I died from that?)  Obviously, I will need to try to eat healthy and exercise regularly.  I tried to do that before, within reason, and I will do it again.  But I REFUSE to live my life feeling deprived or forcing myself to exercise excessively!  I've learned that life is a gift--much too short to spend in misery.  (And to me, excessive exercise and dieting=MISERY.)

One other thing I should mention.  Last week, when I went in for my 1 week after chemo check up, the lady I mentioned in my last post was in the Dr. office.  She looked really rough.  I went to give her a hug and talk to her.  She is NOT doing well.  The cancer has spread to her brain, and they are going to start radiation on her brain.  The chemo just quit working for her, and nothing else they have tried has helped, either.  She seemed to be in despair, and said that all this time, through a lumpectomy, a double mastectomy, several different types of chemo, radiation, etc. she has never thrown up . . . until now.  Now she's throwing up a lot, and has a headache all the time.  Her husband looked awful, too.  You could see the tension, fatigue, stress, worry, etc. written all over his face.  I feel so badly for both of them, and the rest of their family that I haven't met.  I hope the radiation helps to slow it, but I'm afraid it won't.  The cancer has just taken over.  I pray for them--pray that the treatments will work if it's God's will, or if it's time for her to go that they will find peace with it.  I am mourning for her . . . she wants so badly to live.  And I wonder . . . if I were in her shoes (and I hope I never am) would I still be fighting as hard as she is?

Monday, September 8, 2014

Monday, Sept. 8th
Well, I'm right on schedule . . . completely out of patience, and just wanting to feel good again.  The Monday after chemo I'm always impatient . . . I'm awake enough to want to do something, but feeling too weak, dizzy, confused, etc. to do anything productive.  And I'm frustrated by that!

I think the worst thing is the fear that I might have missed something important.  Chemo makes me forget things, but not everything.  Just enough to make me worry what else I've forgotten.  For example, I found a piece of paper in my purse.  It had a name and an international phone number on it.  I kind of knew why I had the number, but couldn't remember when or where I got it and wrote it down, or what I was supposed to do with it.  (Fortunately, I mentioned my confusion to my sister; she reminded me that she had given it to me, and even told me the details of where and when I received it.  I didn't remember a bit of it.)

This morning, my husband asked me where he might find a clean pair of socks.  I can't even tell you the panic that shot through me.  I kept thinking "I know I should know this.  I know this isn't a hard question!"  But for the life of me, I couldn't remember when I last washed socks or why they weren't in his drawer.  All I could tell him was "I don't know."  It scared me because it makes me feel so vulnerable.  I'm afraid I will forget something important (like to arrange a ride for one of my kids, etc.)  It's really a frightening feeling.

But, on the bright side, because I've felt this frustration before, I can say that tomorrow should be better.  :-)  And the day after that will be even better.  There are no words in the English language that adequately communicate how happy I am to have finished my last chemo.  I hope it's the last one EVER!!!!!  Everything I do for the next few weeks is going to be a celebration . . . just because I'm done with chemo!!!

I'm so excited . . . in a few weeks, I will probably be able to taste again.  My feet might start getting un-numb.  And I might even start growing hair again in a month or so!  A new adventure . . .  I wonder if it will be thick or thin, curly or straight, coarse or fine??  I can't wait to find out!


Friday, September 5, 2014

Friday, Sept. 5th
I thought I would get back later.  I really intended to, but I just DID NOT have time!  I was so busy finishing getting kids ready for school . . . gathering school supplies (I already bought all I could, except for my H.S. kids) and getting them in backpacks so they were all ready to take to school, taking kids to numerous Eye Dr., Orthodontist, and Dental appointments before school started.  We had a Cross Country race (mud run), a piano recital, and an extended family church event.  I've been HOPPING!   I've fueled up my car more times this last week or so than any other time in my life!  School started this week--it seems so lonely, and so quiet.  I don't miss the fighting, and the kids seem happy to have a change, but I sure miss having them around.  I really love my kids!

Plus, my husband and I (well, mostly my husband) felt we needed to do something to thank the members of our community for their support.  It really would have been best to do it after radiation, but by then, outside would have been out of the question!  So, on Labor Day we had an almost-done-with-chemo-thank-you for your support party in our back yard.  We kept it simple (I didn't have enough energy to do elaborate.)  Two good friends brought goodies.  (One huge, AWESOME pink cake!)  I made homemade root beer (almost turned out--it was a first try!), lemonade and ice water, and made up a little thank you paper for everyone to take.  It says "We 'mint' (with a York Peppermint Patty attached) to say Thank You!  We appreciate the thoughts, prayers, food, etc. more than we can ever say!  Thanks for being our friends!"  There was another one (treat must have been more popular) that had a Hershey's Nugget attached--they are all gone, but it was similar in content.
The sayings were simple, and maybe quite inadequate, but I hope with all my heart that it communicated the thoughts of my heart.  I hope so much that everyone knows how much I appreciate all their kindnesses.

I dragged my feet the whole way about this party, shamefully.  It seemed like too much work when I'm so tired, and I was stressed about being the "host."  But in hindsight, I can see that my husband was being inspired to do it.  I'm glad he weeded the backyard, mowed, helped with chairs and tables,  and "strongly encouraged" us to do it.

My next door neighbor's father found out he had skin cancer this summer.  There was a spot on his lung that looked suspicious.  I found out that night that it isn't!!!  They think they got it all when they cut out that spot on the skin.  HOORAY!

In not so good news, there's a lady that I met at chemo.  I ran into her randomly last week at Wal-Mart when I was out and about.  She told me what is going on, and I'm so sorry to report that she had been having medical procedures done.  The cancer is having a real party in her.  She didn't look well.  I had chemo yesterday and saw her, across the room.  I have never seen her like that.  She is NOT doing well, and was leaving to go have some more medical procedures done.  I couldn't really talk to her across the room very well, and I was hooked up to a pump, so couldn't get up, but my mom was with me, and I asked her to please go give her a hug from me.  I'm mourning for her--she's not much older than me and still has a child at home. When I first met her and she told me her story, she said she just has to have her chemo give her 20 more years . . . I want her to get that 20 years!!!  I'm going to be keeping her in my prayers.  I know God has a plan for her, too, and I want her to find peace with whatever plan that is.  But I'm sure sad that she isn't doing well . . . . .

Well, I don't have much more to report.  It's in the wee hours of the morning, and thanks to chemo, I am having a little insomnia.  I hope that this post makes some sort of sense---I THINK I'm having a moment of clarity in the fog, but I don't really know!  Maybe I'm hallucinating!  I'm going to leave it as is, though, and head back to bed!

I'm grateful to have just had my last chemo (hopefully EVER), and I'm grateful to have almost completed this part of the cancer journey.  I'm definitely not done, but I am so very thankful for all the learning that has taken place.  I know I am going through this experience for my own learning and growth, and for that of my family.  And maybe even other people I don't know about.  It isn't pleasant, but I think when it's all over, if I were given the chance to go back and skip over it, I would choose not to.  I know God has a plan for me, and I am trying my best to trust in Him.

Good Night Everyone (what's left of it!)
Sunday, August 24, 2014

It's taken me a while to check in, but here I am.  Cycle #5 wasn't as bad as #4.  The Dr. warned me that #4 usually hits people pretty hard.  I never did get feeling good between #4 and #5, but this one is a little better.  I still don't feel great, but I'm thankful to be feeling better than I was last time.

So, the next chemo is my last!!  I'm excited and dreading it all at the same time.  I don't know whether to dread it, or be antsy to get it over with, or what!  I'm thinking about all the things that were "normal" that I used to take for granted . . . taste, hair, feet that were NOT numb, a heart that didn't race all the time, having energy, etc.  I've almost forgotten what that feels like, but I'm SO excited to get the last chemo over with and start getting feeling better.

I will be doing radiation afterward, so I won't be 100% normal.  But the Dr. says it won't be as hard as chemo so I'm excited!!!  :-)

Running out of time so I'll post and get back later.