Sunday, October 26th
We made it through the day yesterday! Hooray!
A little while ago, a sweet lady I know called me. They are having a 5th Sunday meeting about loving your neighbor and she wondered if I could tell (on camera) an experience I have had with Christlike service from someone else. I don't know how to narrow it down to one!
As I have reviewed things I've written here in the past to jog my memory, I realized there are some neat things I haven't written, and I think I need to so that I don't forget them.
My visiting teacher is a busy, busy lady. She works outside her home. She has 6 children, in various stages of life, and even a couple of grandchildren (though I still think she looks too young for that!) She has been awesome through this whole thing. Service is the name of her game. Right after I had surgery, she brought me meals, at least 2 or 3. She came and spent a couple of hours cleaning my house. She tended kids. When I expressed concern about the amount of time she was taking away from her own responsibilities to attend to my family, she just smiled and said, "Well, let me tell you. The purpose of my fast this Fast Sunday is to ask Heavenly Father to help me to find the time in my days to help you." What faith--what commitment! She has done so much for me. When I was half-way done with chemo, she took me out for a milkshake. When we had the "almost-done-with chemo" party, she came over to help me clean up the weekend rubble, went to the store for me to pick up balloons and dry ice, and made treats to bring to the party, loaned us chairs to use for the party, and came to the party. She gave me her whole day--on a holiday. She has been a fantastic example of Christlike love and service. I will never forget the things she has done for me.
My sister, who lives in a city about an hour away from me, had mentioned something about me having breast cancer. One day at church, a lady stopped her and asked my name. She told her, and the lady said, "Oh, good. I just needed to know her name so I can put it in the temple. Last time I just put Sister Pamela's sister with breast cancer."
I may have mentioned this previously; I don't remember. I have always wondered if I was really important, and thought maybe I wasn't. I have always wondered if people really loved me. I don't think I will wonder that again. I have been shown Christlike love all through this experience, and it still continues. People inquire about my welfare every time I go out in public. I hope that I will be different after this. I hope that I will be able to do to others as they have done to me.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Saturday, October 25th
Do you ever feel like a stick? I feel like a stick---I'm bending and bending and bending and wondering how much further I can bend before I break. Today is so busy--I'm not sure how we are going to make it. It would have been tight anyway, but some things have changed, and now we're really going to be dancing a jig!! Hats off to my 2 girls, who have both recognized the need to "step up" and help, and they have/are. I have tried very,very hard to keep a sense of normalcy around here for my kids. I think that was important, but sometimes I think I did TOO good a job of it. Just sayin'. But let's look at the bright side---by the time I go to bed tonight, it will all be behind me, whether I made it to all the places I'm supposed to or not.
The other day I was in the Dr. office waiting to have my port flushed, and I picked up a magazine and started reading. It was talking about being a cancer survivor, and the emotions that many cancer survivors experience. Note that this is AFTER they have beaten it. I didn't read the whole article, but I scanned it. It talked about depression, anxiety, fear, guilt . . . I can't remember all of them. I have been thinking about that. It is a life-changing experience, to be sure, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the changes in my body that are resulting from the surgery and treatments. Maybe that's part of the reason people experience those? I guess I need to make sure I'm prepared for all that.
So far, the only one of those things I feel is fear. Frequently, I feel a sense of fear rising in me. "What if it comes back?" "What if there's some growing in a lymph node they didn't get?" And the list goes on. It becomes a bit of a mental exercise. I have to force myself to stop thinking that way and remind myself that Heavenly Father is in charge, and He knows my needs, and those of my family. I am practicing every day to remember to trust Him and not worry. Some days that comes easily, others not so much.
Well, I have a little helper pushing keys on the keyboard, so I better go make breakfast and change his stinky diaper.
Do you ever feel like a stick? I feel like a stick---I'm bending and bending and bending and wondering how much further I can bend before I break. Today is so busy--I'm not sure how we are going to make it. It would have been tight anyway, but some things have changed, and now we're really going to be dancing a jig!! Hats off to my 2 girls, who have both recognized the need to "step up" and help, and they have/are. I have tried very,very hard to keep a sense of normalcy around here for my kids. I think that was important, but sometimes I think I did TOO good a job of it. Just sayin'. But let's look at the bright side---by the time I go to bed tonight, it will all be behind me, whether I made it to all the places I'm supposed to or not.
The other day I was in the Dr. office waiting to have my port flushed, and I picked up a magazine and started reading. It was talking about being a cancer survivor, and the emotions that many cancer survivors experience. Note that this is AFTER they have beaten it. I didn't read the whole article, but I scanned it. It talked about depression, anxiety, fear, guilt . . . I can't remember all of them. I have been thinking about that. It is a life-changing experience, to be sure, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the changes in my body that are resulting from the surgery and treatments. Maybe that's part of the reason people experience those? I guess I need to make sure I'm prepared for all that.
So far, the only one of those things I feel is fear. Frequently, I feel a sense of fear rising in me. "What if it comes back?" "What if there's some growing in a lymph node they didn't get?" And the list goes on. It becomes a bit of a mental exercise. I have to force myself to stop thinking that way and remind myself that Heavenly Father is in charge, and He knows my needs, and those of my family. I am practicing every day to remember to trust Him and not worry. Some days that comes easily, others not so much.
Well, I have a little helper pushing keys on the keyboard, so I better go make breakfast and change his stinky diaper.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Wed. October 22, 2014
I am as excited as I would be if I had won the lottery--which isn't likely since I've never played it!(Snicker, snicker.) I am growing hair! I still have that fine peach fuzz all over my head. (I've been pretty worried about that, actually---it's growing in patches, and I've been afraid I would need a wig AFTER my hair grows back in.) I still don't know how that's going to turn out, but last night I was looking closely in the mirror, and saw tiny eyebrow hairs just starting to show! I have been lucky enough to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes, but they have definitely thinned, and I have a "bald" patch in the middle of my eyelashes on one eye. After I saw the eyebrow stubble, I looked really closely at that bald patch, and it looks like I might have a couple of eyelashes starting to grow in there.
Then I felt my legs and my head, and they both are starting to feel a little stubbly. Though it has been nice to not have to shave my legs since June, it was a trade-off! I have to say, I would rather have hair and have to shave legs, tweeze eyebrows, etc. . . . it's all or none! I won't have a head of hair by Halloween, and maybe not even by Christmas, but it's coming! There's hope!
Radiation is going well. I'm beginning to get sore. I guess that's no surprise. I asked the Dr. how radiation can cure cancer and be a cancer risk at the same time. Here's the simplified answer. Radiation interrupts the cell growth, I think by messing up the DNA sequencing, if I remember what he said correctly. So, shooting radiation into the cancer area messes up the cell division, and since cancer cells divide more quickly than healthy cells, it helps to stop the cancer cells from growing. However, it can also damage the healthy cells, and that's why it is a cancer risk. But, he gave me some numbers to go on . . . in my case, the risk of the cancer returning without radiation is 50%. With radiation, he said it was about 5%. Then add the less than 1% risk of the radiation CAUSING cancer, and it's pretty clear which option is better. :-) They are also doing radiation on the lymph nodes in my neck, because the lymph nodes under the arm drain to the ones in the neck, so just in case anything got away, we can zap it. Also, most of the scare about radiation causing cancer comes from situations where the dose was much, much higher, such as atomic bombs, etc. Radiation is a cancer risk, but the risk is relative to the dose.
It is really fascinating to see how they do this whole radiation thing . . . it is a very precise procedure. They take me in, lay me on the table, and then start tugging the sheet under me to get my body just exactly in the same position every day. They use a laser light-thing to line up to the 4 tattoos that I am now the proud owner of. (They are tiny--they look like someone jabbed me with a pencil lead.) They also shine a light "ruler" on my chest in order to get everything precisely where they want it. Then whirr, click, click, and in just a few minutes, I'm on my way.
I have to say, there are some strange aspects of this whole thing . . . like wearing bubble wrap in the fold of skin made in my neck when I raise my arms over my head. Yep, every day! And having to have my breast taped down to the table--had that experience yesterday. If you want to know more about that, I'll explain that one in person. Sigh . . . no dignity left at all.
Well, speaking of the loss of dignity, I better get ready to go to the Dr. again. I feel like an old person that has all their "social outings" by way of medical appointments.
I am as excited as I would be if I had won the lottery--which isn't likely since I've never played it!(Snicker, snicker.) I am growing hair! I still have that fine peach fuzz all over my head. (I've been pretty worried about that, actually---it's growing in patches, and I've been afraid I would need a wig AFTER my hair grows back in.) I still don't know how that's going to turn out, but last night I was looking closely in the mirror, and saw tiny eyebrow hairs just starting to show! I have been lucky enough to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes, but they have definitely thinned, and I have a "bald" patch in the middle of my eyelashes on one eye. After I saw the eyebrow stubble, I looked really closely at that bald patch, and it looks like I might have a couple of eyelashes starting to grow in there.
Then I felt my legs and my head, and they both are starting to feel a little stubbly. Though it has been nice to not have to shave my legs since June, it was a trade-off! I have to say, I would rather have hair and have to shave legs, tweeze eyebrows, etc. . . . it's all or none! I won't have a head of hair by Halloween, and maybe not even by Christmas, but it's coming! There's hope!
Radiation is going well. I'm beginning to get sore. I guess that's no surprise. I asked the Dr. how radiation can cure cancer and be a cancer risk at the same time. Here's the simplified answer. Radiation interrupts the cell growth, I think by messing up the DNA sequencing, if I remember what he said correctly. So, shooting radiation into the cancer area messes up the cell division, and since cancer cells divide more quickly than healthy cells, it helps to stop the cancer cells from growing. However, it can also damage the healthy cells, and that's why it is a cancer risk. But, he gave me some numbers to go on . . . in my case, the risk of the cancer returning without radiation is 50%. With radiation, he said it was about 5%. Then add the less than 1% risk of the radiation CAUSING cancer, and it's pretty clear which option is better. :-) They are also doing radiation on the lymph nodes in my neck, because the lymph nodes under the arm drain to the ones in the neck, so just in case anything got away, we can zap it. Also, most of the scare about radiation causing cancer comes from situations where the dose was much, much higher, such as atomic bombs, etc. Radiation is a cancer risk, but the risk is relative to the dose.
It is really fascinating to see how they do this whole radiation thing . . . it is a very precise procedure. They take me in, lay me on the table, and then start tugging the sheet under me to get my body just exactly in the same position every day. They use a laser light-thing to line up to the 4 tattoos that I am now the proud owner of. (They are tiny--they look like someone jabbed me with a pencil lead.) They also shine a light "ruler" on my chest in order to get everything precisely where they want it. Then whirr, click, click, and in just a few minutes, I'm on my way.
I have to say, there are some strange aspects of this whole thing . . . like wearing bubble wrap in the fold of skin made in my neck when I raise my arms over my head. Yep, every day! And having to have my breast taped down to the table--had that experience yesterday. If you want to know more about that, I'll explain that one in person. Sigh . . . no dignity left at all.
Well, speaking of the loss of dignity, I better get ready to go to the Dr. again. I feel like an old person that has all their "social outings" by way of medical appointments.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2014
So I haven't updated . . . I haven't had time! It is keeping me super busy just going back and forth to radiation. It's going well so far. It really isn't that bad. Once I get there, it's a quick change into a gown, then the radiation, then back out. It doesn't hurt--my scars are just a little tender, and my skin feels a little warm afterward, like a sunburn. That will probably get worse as time goes on, though. The only unpleasant part is having to be partially unclothed while they do the radiation. I tell you, this whole cancer diagnosis and treatment process is hard on a person's dignity! But then, medical things always are, even as professional and appropriate as providers try to be.
I feel good, and that's really great! My taste has returned, though when I eat something that tastes bland to me, I always wonder if it's bland to everyone else, too. Before chemo, I preferred things less salty rather than more. But during chemo, I found myself pouring salt on everything, just so I COULD taste it. It's a bit hard to describe how food tasted during chemo. Foods like fruit tasted the most "normal." Anything spicy or smoked tasted horrible--combine spicy with metallic and you've got the general idea. Bread tasted weird. Chocolate and peanut butter were both really gross. And, like I said, I had to put a lot of salt on things just so I could taste it. It's nice to have all that behind me! I hope I never have to do it again.
I'm watching for my hair to come back. Somehow I thought it would just start growing like crazy, the way it would have if I had buzzed my head before. I'm disappointed. It's kind of like that watched pot that never boils. I keep checking the mirror, but it's not in a big hurry to grow. :-( It has started growing back (slowly), but (as my mom said) it's just like it was when I was a baby. Fine, blonde peach fuzz all over my head. And it's not thick, either. I'm starting to be afraid that it will be so thin that I will have to have a wig AFTER I have hair. And I don't want a wig. Moral of the story . . . when you feel like complaining about your hair, don't. My hair wasn't always perfect, and it didn't always do the things I wanted it to do, but I had some AND it was thick enough that my scalp didn't show through. I guess whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I will just have to remember how grateful I am to be alive! :-)
One other thought that occurred to me . . . The busyness and time it takes for me to go to radiation every day has made me think of mothers that work full-time, especially single mothers. I have a whole new respect for what they do! I knew I was very blessed to not have to work outside my home, but I never realized just how much. Even though I am going a different place each day than those that go to work, the end result is the same . . . gone all day and trying to keep up with laundry, dinner, homework, chauffeuring, etc. just like a working mom. We are getting into a routine, so that's nice, but wow! I really didn't fully appreciate how good I have had it! Isn't that how life is? Sometimes we don't recognize all of the blessings we DO have because we haven't recently felt what it would be like without the blessing. It makes me want to pay closer attention so that I can see and be more grateful for the little blessings that I tend to overlook.
Well, I had best get going. I need to get a little boy dressed so we can get on the road to head off to radiation again!
So I haven't updated . . . I haven't had time! It is keeping me super busy just going back and forth to radiation. It's going well so far. It really isn't that bad. Once I get there, it's a quick change into a gown, then the radiation, then back out. It doesn't hurt--my scars are just a little tender, and my skin feels a little warm afterward, like a sunburn. That will probably get worse as time goes on, though. The only unpleasant part is having to be partially unclothed while they do the radiation. I tell you, this whole cancer diagnosis and treatment process is hard on a person's dignity! But then, medical things always are, even as professional and appropriate as providers try to be.
I feel good, and that's really great! My taste has returned, though when I eat something that tastes bland to me, I always wonder if it's bland to everyone else, too. Before chemo, I preferred things less salty rather than more. But during chemo, I found myself pouring salt on everything, just so I COULD taste it. It's a bit hard to describe how food tasted during chemo. Foods like fruit tasted the most "normal." Anything spicy or smoked tasted horrible--combine spicy with metallic and you've got the general idea. Bread tasted weird. Chocolate and peanut butter were both really gross. And, like I said, I had to put a lot of salt on things just so I could taste it. It's nice to have all that behind me! I hope I never have to do it again.
I'm watching for my hair to come back. Somehow I thought it would just start growing like crazy, the way it would have if I had buzzed my head before. I'm disappointed. It's kind of like that watched pot that never boils. I keep checking the mirror, but it's not in a big hurry to grow. :-( It has started growing back (slowly), but (as my mom said) it's just like it was when I was a baby. Fine, blonde peach fuzz all over my head. And it's not thick, either. I'm starting to be afraid that it will be so thin that I will have to have a wig AFTER I have hair. And I don't want a wig. Moral of the story . . . when you feel like complaining about your hair, don't. My hair wasn't always perfect, and it didn't always do the things I wanted it to do, but I had some AND it was thick enough that my scalp didn't show through. I guess whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I will just have to remember how grateful I am to be alive! :-)
One other thought that occurred to me . . . The busyness and time it takes for me to go to radiation every day has made me think of mothers that work full-time, especially single mothers. I have a whole new respect for what they do! I knew I was very blessed to not have to work outside my home, but I never realized just how much. Even though I am going a different place each day than those that go to work, the end result is the same . . . gone all day and trying to keep up with laundry, dinner, homework, chauffeuring, etc. just like a working mom. We are getting into a routine, so that's nice, but wow! I really didn't fully appreciate how good I have had it! Isn't that how life is? Sometimes we don't recognize all of the blessings we DO have because we haven't recently felt what it would be like without the blessing. It makes me want to pay closer attention so that I can see and be more grateful for the little blessings that I tend to overlook.
Well, I had best get going. I need to get a little boy dressed so we can get on the road to head off to radiation again!
Friday, October 3, 2014
Friday, October 3rd
So, I have literally 1 minute to write, so it's gonna be quick.
The break is over! This week I've been going to the Dr. to get radiation set up, getting CT scans, having them draw all over my chest with a Sharpie, etc. The process is actually pretty fascinating. They use the CT scans to re-create my body on the computer, in order to find the best angles, etc. to zap me with radiation. (I NEVER want to see that virtual re-creation . . . what a nightmare!) When I had the scans they had me lay in this bean-baggy thing, and then they removed air to get it to mold around my body; this ensures that each time I have radiation, I will be in the EXACT same position as the first time so they can hit the right spots.
This is going to be hard---I will have a total of about 2 1/2 - 3 hours of travel time every day, Monday through Friday for a procedure that takes 10 minutes---30 minutes if you count checking in and changing into and out of a gown. But, this is one area where we really don't have much of a choice, so we will just do it. And pray for a nice fall and good roads!
One thing I realized, though. I will have the opportunity to see some beauty along the way. Yesterday I was driving, and saw the most beautiful scene--would have taken a picture if I'd had a better camera than my phone and hadn't been in a hurry. I plan to enjoy the scenery of the changing seasons as I make the daily trek---kind of a "stop and smell the roses" thing.
Well, I used more time than I had, so now I'm late. Gotta run.
So, I have literally 1 minute to write, so it's gonna be quick.
The break is over! This week I've been going to the Dr. to get radiation set up, getting CT scans, having them draw all over my chest with a Sharpie, etc. The process is actually pretty fascinating. They use the CT scans to re-create my body on the computer, in order to find the best angles, etc. to zap me with radiation. (I NEVER want to see that virtual re-creation . . . what a nightmare!) When I had the scans they had me lay in this bean-baggy thing, and then they removed air to get it to mold around my body; this ensures that each time I have radiation, I will be in the EXACT same position as the first time so they can hit the right spots.
This is going to be hard---I will have a total of about 2 1/2 - 3 hours of travel time every day, Monday through Friday for a procedure that takes 10 minutes---30 minutes if you count checking in and changing into and out of a gown. But, this is one area where we really don't have much of a choice, so we will just do it. And pray for a nice fall and good roads!
One thing I realized, though. I will have the opportunity to see some beauty along the way. Yesterday I was driving, and saw the most beautiful scene--would have taken a picture if I'd had a better camera than my phone and hadn't been in a hurry. I plan to enjoy the scenery of the changing seasons as I make the daily trek---kind of a "stop and smell the roses" thing.
Well, I used more time than I had, so now I'm late. Gotta run.
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