Friday, Feb. 13, 3015
Hmmmm. Just realized when I typed that, that it's Friday the 13th!
This week something interesting happened . . . to explain it, I really need to go back to mid-December. At that point, I had "evidence" that there was some fluid of some sort collecting in me. (Sorry, that was the least descriptive way I could say it.) Long story shorter, over the course of several days/weeks, I made several calls. I got the impression from my oncologists that they weren't really concerned about it, but that it wasn't "typical" either. I ended up in the surgeon's office in January, even though the "evidence" had abated, where he did an ultrasound. It showed a small pocket of fluid collecting in the surgical site, and he explained that after he did the lumpectomy, it left a large empty space, which is gradually filling up with tissue, but is still not completely healed. Radiation is really hard on tissue (that's why it works to kill cancer) and he thought the fluid was the result of the radiation-damaged tissue beginning to heal. (This made sense to me a few weeks ago when my son fell when he was out running and really skinned up his knee. The injury was weeping a transparent yellowish fluid the first few days as it began to heal.)
At the end of January or first part of Feb, it all started up again. I can't really explain how much it freaks me out to have stuff leaking out of me. I asked my husband and mom (who had been the extra sets of ears at my appointment, since my memory isn't so great) what the Dr. had said, and both of them thought they remembered hearing that it might start again, so I just waited and watched. Well, on Monday, the floodgates opened; that really freaked me out. So I called the surgeon again, and he squeezed me in on Wed.---even though his schedule was full, he didn't want me to wait because he was afraid it would stop before the appointment, which is what happened last time. He repeated the ultrasound, and that same little pocket of fluid was there--he believes it begins to drain when the pressure builds up inside, which is why it starts and stops so randomly. He wanted to drain the pocket--here's the cool part---so, guided by ultrasound, he stuck a needle/syringe through the side of my breast into the pocket of fluid and sucked it out. It was the weirdest thing to watch on ultrasound---that black round spot on the screen just collapsed, at the same time I heard a weird sucking sound. It was morbidly fascinating. He wants me to go back in a month, as he would like to keep an eye on it. I'm getting the idea that this is not "typical", but not necessarily "abnormal" either. I'm grateful he is "taking me seriously" and is following up. It gives me more peace of mind.
The reason I bring this all up is that having things like this happen makes it very difficult to "move on." As much as I am trying to move on, live my life, and enjoy each day, the worry is ever present. It is one of those things that is always in the back of my head, constantly. I am working to find a balance between being vigilant and watchful, but still trying to have faith in the Lord's plan, move on and live my life to the fullest. It is a delicate balancing act. I am sure this will just take time.
Something funny happened the other night. In order for it to make sense(ish), I have to give a little background. I don't remember much of the last year--it's pretty much a blur. So, I called the Dr. to see if my youngest child's immunizations were up to date. They would have been, but alas, his Hepatitis A shot was given a bit too early, making it invalid. Annoying, right? So, I've been thinking "9 days. How big of a deal is that, really?" It has been on my "to-do" list to try to figure out what to do about it. There's the background.
So, the other night, I guess I was dreaming, though I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I woke myself up when I said aloud, "But I don't HAVE Hepatitis!!!"
It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone around Christmas. A few years ago, he had some health problems showing up, but diagnosis was proving to be very tricky. He went to several different doctors, and had tons of tests, etc. He told me that one night, his wife heard him say in his sleep "I promise, I'm not faking it!"
I think these things are so tell-tale about what we are worrying about and experiencing! I see that I have a need for "normalcy", whatever that is. Needless to say, yesterday my little boy got a Hep A shot.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Wed., Feb. 4th, 2015
I've had a lot of thoughts this last few weeks that I thought I would share, only now I can't remember them. Welcome to a day in my life! I can't even believe how scatter-brained I am!!!
I am doing a lot better with getting my head wrapped around everything. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I have had a hard time. When there's something that is traumatic--a crisis of sorts---I always buckle down and do what I have to during the crisis, and then afterward when it's over, the trauma of it all hits me and I have a lot to process.
I pray daily that the cancer won't return, or if it does, that we will be able to catch it before it has spread to my lungs or liver or anywhere else. The Dr. told me that is pretty much impossible, and I'm sure that's true, because now I don't even have lymph nodes to filter it out and catch it. But with God nothing is impossible. He will have things be the way He wants them to be. I pray that I will be strong enough to accept His will, even if it's not what I want.
It is nice to be getting back to "normal." All things considered, I think my family has weathered this quite well. My kids have done remarkably well, but they have emotional needs that I have not been able to meet as well as I would have liked during this past year. It feels so nice to be getting back to trying to help them to grow. Some of that process involves discipline---I don't love that part as much, but it is necessary for their learning and growth. This is a little bit of a soapbox of mine, but I think it is so important to not shield our kids from struggle, and especially from consequences. I've been guilty of that more times than I want to admit, sorry to say, and I have learned from it. We need to find that delicate balance between letting kids get hurt and learn from their own mistakes, but still "be in their corner", and help them with the problems they encounter. It feels good to be able to be working on all that.
My hair is looking like it just might come in kind of curly! It's sticking out in ways it never used to, and the top is curling a little. It's about an inch long now . . . we will see what happens next. I'm not exactly sure what to do with curly hair, but it should be an adventure. I'm happy to have the opportunity to figure it out.
It also came in really, really gray! My husband was giving me a really hard time about that--even though he's 5 years older than me, I have way more gray hair than he does. I just glared at him and said, "Do you know what I have just been through? I have earned EVERY ONE of those gray hairs!" And then I dyed it. Nothing a $5 box can't fix!!!
My husband bore his testimony in church on Sunday. He told about reading the kid's answers to my question about what they have learned, and that he "stalled" on answering the question. (Do I know him or what? Knew that's what he would do!) He talked about a few things he's learned, and I took notes . . . I will share some of them here.
He said he has learned how much the Lord loves him, and loves our family. He has been so thankful for the peace the Lord sends us in times of trial, and he testified that the Lord can and will send us that peace if we seek for it.
He talked about how the Lord can fill in the gaps between who we are, and who we need to be. That He helps us to be better than we are on our own.
He said he learned how great our ward is. We have received service in all forms--prayers, acts of selfless service, etc.
To all of his comments, I say "AMEN!" I agree with all he said. This has truly been a learning experience. Some days I wake up and think, "I wish I could just wake up and find out this was all a nightmare. I just want my old body back. I just want to not have to worry about it coming back, and I don't want to have to do the exercises that I have to do post surgery & radiation." But then I think of all the things I have learned and how much I have grown, and wonder if I really would choose to lose all that learning and growth. I don't know what I would choose if I truly had the choice---the jury's still out. But I am thankful for all the things I have learned from the struggle.
One thing is sure--good day or bad, I am just so glad to have it. My aunt was so right . . . "Every day is a gift from God."
I've had a lot of thoughts this last few weeks that I thought I would share, only now I can't remember them. Welcome to a day in my life! I can't even believe how scatter-brained I am!!!
I am doing a lot better with getting my head wrapped around everything. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I have had a hard time. When there's something that is traumatic--a crisis of sorts---I always buckle down and do what I have to during the crisis, and then afterward when it's over, the trauma of it all hits me and I have a lot to process.
I pray daily that the cancer won't return, or if it does, that we will be able to catch it before it has spread to my lungs or liver or anywhere else. The Dr. told me that is pretty much impossible, and I'm sure that's true, because now I don't even have lymph nodes to filter it out and catch it. But with God nothing is impossible. He will have things be the way He wants them to be. I pray that I will be strong enough to accept His will, even if it's not what I want.
It is nice to be getting back to "normal." All things considered, I think my family has weathered this quite well. My kids have done remarkably well, but they have emotional needs that I have not been able to meet as well as I would have liked during this past year. It feels so nice to be getting back to trying to help them to grow. Some of that process involves discipline---I don't love that part as much, but it is necessary for their learning and growth. This is a little bit of a soapbox of mine, but I think it is so important to not shield our kids from struggle, and especially from consequences. I've been guilty of that more times than I want to admit, sorry to say, and I have learned from it. We need to find that delicate balance between letting kids get hurt and learn from their own mistakes, but still "be in their corner", and help them with the problems they encounter. It feels good to be able to be working on all that.
My hair is looking like it just might come in kind of curly! It's sticking out in ways it never used to, and the top is curling a little. It's about an inch long now . . . we will see what happens next. I'm not exactly sure what to do with curly hair, but it should be an adventure. I'm happy to have the opportunity to figure it out.
It also came in really, really gray! My husband was giving me a really hard time about that--even though he's 5 years older than me, I have way more gray hair than he does. I just glared at him and said, "Do you know what I have just been through? I have earned EVERY ONE of those gray hairs!" And then I dyed it. Nothing a $5 box can't fix!!!
My husband bore his testimony in church on Sunday. He told about reading the kid's answers to my question about what they have learned, and that he "stalled" on answering the question. (Do I know him or what? Knew that's what he would do!) He talked about a few things he's learned, and I took notes . . . I will share some of them here.
He said he has learned how much the Lord loves him, and loves our family. He has been so thankful for the peace the Lord sends us in times of trial, and he testified that the Lord can and will send us that peace if we seek for it.
He talked about how the Lord can fill in the gaps between who we are, and who we need to be. That He helps us to be better than we are on our own.
He said he learned how great our ward is. We have received service in all forms--prayers, acts of selfless service, etc.
To all of his comments, I say "AMEN!" I agree with all he said. This has truly been a learning experience. Some days I wake up and think, "I wish I could just wake up and find out this was all a nightmare. I just want my old body back. I just want to not have to worry about it coming back, and I don't want to have to do the exercises that I have to do post surgery & radiation." But then I think of all the things I have learned and how much I have grown, and wonder if I really would choose to lose all that learning and growth. I don't know what I would choose if I truly had the choice---the jury's still out. But I am thankful for all the things I have learned from the struggle.
One thing is sure--good day or bad, I am just so glad to have it. My aunt was so right . . . "Every day is a gift from God."
Friday, January 16, 2015
Friday, January 16th,
Just sent this e-mail to my family--assuming I have correct e-mail addresses, so I thought I would post it here.
"Hi everyone,
I don't know who is interested and who isn't, but I thought I would send an update about my cancer situation . . . I just went to the Drs. yesterday and the day before.
I don't know who is interested and who isn't, but I thought I would send an update about my cancer situation . . . I just went to the Drs. yesterday and the day before.
So, the "active" part of my treatment is complete. I am now taking an anti-estrogen medication (the cancer was estrogen-dependent) and hoping it doesn't come back.
I will be doing annual mammograms. No CT scans, as they are only marginally helpful. The bad news is that if it does come back, it will be nearly impossible to catch before it has spread somewhere---lungs, liver, etc. The good news is that the chance that it WON'T come back is hovering around 80%, give or take. The really, really good news is that I have had Priesthood blessings, and though I don't know exactly how things are going to unfold, I feel good about my future. :-)
I will be seeing the Dr. every 3 months for the first 2 years, and watching like a hawk for anything that would indicate a problem--unexplained pain anywhere in my body that is persistent, or generally not feeling well (nausea, headache, etc.) On year 3, I begin seeing the Dr. every 4 months; with each year the frequency decreases. If I think something may be wrong, I schedule an "extra" visit, and we will do CT scans then to look for a problem. If the cancer does come back, it will most likely be within the next 5 years. I am going to get really good at living on faith--not good at it yet, but I will get there!
That's where we are. Thanks to all of you for your fasting and prayers, and your support. I have appreciated, and continue to appreciate, you all for all you have done/are doing.
Love you all"
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Thurs. Jan. 8, 2015
Well, the New Year didn't start out quite as I had hoped . . . on New Year's Day, in the afternoon, my youngest child got sick. The rest of us followed right after, except my daughter, who has eaten literally more than a case of oranges in the last 2 weeks. I took my little guy to the Dr., and he has RSV, which means that we all have RSV, too. This one has even hit the adults hard; actually my kids have done better than we adults have! As of today, we are all finally better enough to be up and around.
I've been so sick the last couple of days that I have slept the whole day. It has been miserable, but today I've only taken one nap so far, and I feel a little better. :-)
One other thing occurred to me . . . it was one of those things I understood in my heart rather than my head when it dawned on me. Heavenly Father allows us to have these experiences to prepare us for future difficulties. The "last days" are prophesied to be difficult---He needs people who are prepared and qualified. Just as a coach has to prepare his/her team for competition by practicing the sport and taking care of themselves physically and mentally, we have to "practice" hard things so we are tough enough to handle whatever the future will hold. So put on your seatbelts, folks, we are going for a ride!!!!
Well, the New Year didn't start out quite as I had hoped . . . on New Year's Day, in the afternoon, my youngest child got sick. The rest of us followed right after, except my daughter, who has eaten literally more than a case of oranges in the last 2 weeks. I took my little guy to the Dr., and he has RSV, which means that we all have RSV, too. This one has even hit the adults hard; actually my kids have done better than we adults have! As of today, we are all finally better enough to be up and around.
I've been so sick the last couple of days that I have slept the whole day. It has been miserable, but today I've only taken one nap so far, and I feel a little better. :-)
One other thing occurred to me . . . it was one of those things I understood in my heart rather than my head when it dawned on me. Heavenly Father allows us to have these experiences to prepare us for future difficulties. The "last days" are prophesied to be difficult---He needs people who are prepared and qualified. Just as a coach has to prepare his/her team for competition by practicing the sport and taking care of themselves physically and mentally, we have to "practice" hard things so we are tough enough to handle whatever the future will hold. So put on your seatbelts, folks, we are going for a ride!!!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Wed. Dec. 31, 2014
I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write. I'm doing much, much better emotionally. I am beginning to mentally move on from this. I still have my list of questions--and I'm adding more questions all the time--but I'm feeling less shook up about it all the time. I hope I'm able to move on without forgetting the lessons I learned.
I had a wonderful Christmas. Since I had most of my shopping done before Thanksgiving, I was really able to focus on the Savior this year. I have had time to think about Him as I ran around doing the things I needed to do---the miraculous birth, His life and example. His atoning sacrifice, and the enormity of the impact on all of us. His death and miraculous Resurrection. I have really been able to ponder it all. It has made a wonderful Christmas Season.
I have spent a lot of time with family, playing games, etc. It has been SO BUSY, but so fun. I always enjoy the time with my family, but this year was better because I felt like I have been given a second chance at life. I am deeply grateful.
Also, this year, more than any other I've ever had, I have been anxious to put 2014 behind me. We usually don't make a huge deal about the New Year, and we really haven't this year either. But for the first time in my life, I found myself wanting to take the Christmas decorations down and look forward to the New Year. Mentally, it feels like a new start---another chance. I think starting a new year is going to be a big thing for me mentally--I'm looking forward to it.
Don't get me wrong---I wasn't trying to push the Savior out of my life by taking down the decorations. (When I say that, I mean that there is religious symbolism embedded in even the most common of our decorations and traditions.) I'm not trying to "get over with Christmas and shove the Savior out"--I'm taking the Savior with me into the New Year. But it is so good for me mentally to be able to have a new beginning.
I end this year so very grateful for my blessings. I'm thankful for life, for family, for the good health we all have (there are so many other things that COULD go wrong with all our bodies--hope they don't), for my husband's job and resulting financial security, for my ability to stay home with my children so I can attempt to be an influence for good for them, for freedom and peace, for my testimony, for the gospel, for all the material possessions and conveniences that are not necessary to sustain life, but that make life so much easier. I have been truly blessed, and for all these things I am thankful. I know future challenges will come, but I'm not spending time focusing on that right now. I am allowing my mind and heart to heal as long as I can, and I'm hoping to take the lessons I have learned with me so that when future challenges DO come, I will be able to meet them with courage and faith.
I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write. I'm doing much, much better emotionally. I am beginning to mentally move on from this. I still have my list of questions--and I'm adding more questions all the time--but I'm feeling less shook up about it all the time. I hope I'm able to move on without forgetting the lessons I learned.
I had a wonderful Christmas. Since I had most of my shopping done before Thanksgiving, I was really able to focus on the Savior this year. I have had time to think about Him as I ran around doing the things I needed to do---the miraculous birth, His life and example. His atoning sacrifice, and the enormity of the impact on all of us. His death and miraculous Resurrection. I have really been able to ponder it all. It has made a wonderful Christmas Season.
I have spent a lot of time with family, playing games, etc. It has been SO BUSY, but so fun. I always enjoy the time with my family, but this year was better because I felt like I have been given a second chance at life. I am deeply grateful.
Also, this year, more than any other I've ever had, I have been anxious to put 2014 behind me. We usually don't make a huge deal about the New Year, and we really haven't this year either. But for the first time in my life, I found myself wanting to take the Christmas decorations down and look forward to the New Year. Mentally, it feels like a new start---another chance. I think starting a new year is going to be a big thing for me mentally--I'm looking forward to it.
Don't get me wrong---I wasn't trying to push the Savior out of my life by taking down the decorations. (When I say that, I mean that there is religious symbolism embedded in even the most common of our decorations and traditions.) I'm not trying to "get over with Christmas and shove the Savior out"--I'm taking the Savior with me into the New Year. But it is so good for me mentally to be able to have a new beginning.
I end this year so very grateful for my blessings. I'm thankful for life, for family, for the good health we all have (there are so many other things that COULD go wrong with all our bodies--hope they don't), for my husband's job and resulting financial security, for my ability to stay home with my children so I can attempt to be an influence for good for them, for freedom and peace, for my testimony, for the gospel, for all the material possessions and conveniences that are not necessary to sustain life, but that make life so much easier. I have been truly blessed, and for all these things I am thankful. I know future challenges will come, but I'm not spending time focusing on that right now. I am allowing my mind and heart to heal as long as I can, and I'm hoping to take the lessons I have learned with me so that when future challenges DO come, I will be able to meet them with courage and faith.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Tues. Dec. 23, 2014
I am feeling so much better about things, for a couple of reasons. First, I have had more time to digest the information about my treatment plan; I've had time to think about it. I've had time to talk about it---it sounds weird, but somehow talking about it out loud to someone seems to be like hitting a "reset" button in my head, and it helps me to make sense of things and work through them.
I was already feeling a lot better about things, and then on Saturday, we went to the temple. Long story shorter, we went with my husband's family. His mother is not well, and several of the family members were able to come to be with her in the temple for probably the last time. It was an absolutely beautiful, spiritual experience that I will treasure always. But when I left, I understood more of the purpose of trials, and I was reminded (again) that Heavenly Father is in charge. Of course, I already knew this in my head, but I was just having trouble letting go of the fear. But that experience changed that, and I'm at peace now. It feels great!
I go back to the radiation oncologist today--will ask the questions I have for him. Then my long list of questions for the other oncologist when I go back to him in a few weeks.
Merry Christmas, everyone! I'm so thankful for my Savior; He has carried me this year.
I am feeling so much better about things, for a couple of reasons. First, I have had more time to digest the information about my treatment plan; I've had time to think about it. I've had time to talk about it---it sounds weird, but somehow talking about it out loud to someone seems to be like hitting a "reset" button in my head, and it helps me to make sense of things and work through them.
I was already feeling a lot better about things, and then on Saturday, we went to the temple. Long story shorter, we went with my husband's family. His mother is not well, and several of the family members were able to come to be with her in the temple for probably the last time. It was an absolutely beautiful, spiritual experience that I will treasure always. But when I left, I understood more of the purpose of trials, and I was reminded (again) that Heavenly Father is in charge. Of course, I already knew this in my head, but I was just having trouble letting go of the fear. But that experience changed that, and I'm at peace now. It feels great!
I go back to the radiation oncologist today--will ask the questions I have for him. Then my long list of questions for the other oncologist when I go back to him in a few weeks.
Merry Christmas, everyone! I'm so thankful for my Savior; He has carried me this year.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Thurs. Dec. 18, 2014
I just figured something out! The last few days I have remembered the Priesthood blessings I have been given and the things I've been told. I have found myself wondering why I am feeling discouraged and afraid, and why faith is coming so hard. I just now figured out what the problem is . . . it's that I'm afraid it's [the idea that the cancer could just not come back] too good to be true! That is getting in the way of my faith, because I'm afraid to believe. So, now that I've figured out where the problem is, I know what to work on. This may seem little, but to me it's huge. Now I know what to do, and how to begin working on my faith!
I will still ask the Dr. all my questions---I need to feel good about what we're doing, and I need to understand the rationale for the treatment plan. But, oh, wow! Things are going to be looking up! :-)
I just figured something out! The last few days I have remembered the Priesthood blessings I have been given and the things I've been told. I have found myself wondering why I am feeling discouraged and afraid, and why faith is coming so hard. I just now figured out what the problem is . . . it's that I'm afraid it's [the idea that the cancer could just not come back] too good to be true! That is getting in the way of my faith, because I'm afraid to believe. So, now that I've figured out where the problem is, I know what to work on. This may seem little, but to me it's huge. Now I know what to do, and how to begin working on my faith!
I will still ask the Dr. all my questions---I need to feel good about what we're doing, and I need to understand the rationale for the treatment plan. But, oh, wow! Things are going to be looking up! :-)
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