Tuesday, Dec. 16th, 2014

One thing that's interesting about my current state of emotional wreck-ish-ness.  My circumstances haven't changed at all . . . I have just as much chance of staying cancer-free now as I did before I went to the Dr. to find out the next stages of my treatment plan.  The only thing that has changed is the knowledge I have that there won't be a "second chance" at catching the cancer early.  If it comes back, it will be in my lung and will be terminal.  That feels like a death sentence, before anything has even happened!

I think another thing that makes this hard is that I can't DO anything.  All this time, we've been doing something.  I was preparing for surgery.  Then I was recovering from surgery and preparing for chemo #1.  Repeat 6 times.  Then preparing for radiation.  And now, waiting.  And hoping.  I feel so helpless.

Today went better, though.  I am starting to accept it more, and today I sat down and wrote a huge old list of questions to ask the Dr. on my visit in January.  I could call, but I think I would rather wait and try to work out all the questions and confusion in my head, and then go ask him when I've had time to get my head around it all.  Today I felt "blue" less of the day--I think it's just going to take some time.

There are a few other things I can do.  I need to focus on those.  I can take my medication faithfully, every day.  I can pray (and I am!)  I can ask all my questions, and let the Dr. know how I'm feeling about it all.  I can remind myself (and I have done so several times a day) that Heavenly Father knows me and my family, and He's aware of our needs.  I am practicing, still, having faith and trusting Heavenly Father.  I obviously don't have it mastered yet.  But I'm working on it, again.  I can choose to look for the blessings.  I need to do that; I'm sure there are many that I have missed the last few days when I've been so shell-shocked and freaked out.  I'll watch, and I'm sure I'll see something!

One of the things that this is whole experience is teaching me is to really remember and be grateful for my Savior on a whole new level.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Christmas!  I love everything about it!  I am way too commercial, truthfully.  But I also love my Savior and do several things during the season to remember Him every year.  This year, I have been more aware though, so I have really felt the spiritual side of the season.  I am very grateful for His life, Atonement, and Resurrection.  Even though I enjoy the "fluff" I know the real reason for the season, and I'm so thankful for it.

Gotta run and put some kiddos to bed.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2014

I'm a mess.  Really.  Just when I thought I had this whole "have faith and trust in the Lord" thing figured out, I realize I don't.  Not even.

I've been on anti-estrogen medication since Friday.  I don't know how much of my current emotional wreck-ish-ness is due to the medication, and how much is due to the fact that I am still really struggling with the idea that if it comes back, it's terminal.  I have a lot more questions that I need to ask the Dr., but I also think I need a little more time to absorb the information and just get my head wrapped around it.

Remember how I read the article that talks about depression as a survivor?  I didn't understand why someone might feel depression . . . they had just beat it, right?  Now I think I'm beginning to understand.  There is such a huge fear that it might come back, and the idea that it can't be "caught early" if it returns lends a finality to this whole thing that is terrifying.  I'm trying to approach the situation with faith and courage, but I'm feeling terrified and sad.  I'm sure the medication is playing a part as well.

In some ways, I find myself wondering why I'm such a wreck.  It will only be terminal IF it comes back.  But it hasn't (I guess.)  So, in some ways I wonder if I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse.  On the other hand, I'm finding the idea of trying to live each day, knowing that any day that it could come back and be terminal very, very unsettling.  It's a mental thing.

Yesterday, I was sitting in church.  And every so often, I felt a pang of something that hurt shooting through my chest, in different areas at different times.  It wasn't excruciating or anything.  But I found myself wondering, "How do I know which pains to worry about and which ones are from the radiation, or just more soreness from the surgery?"  (The scars are still tender.)

Last night I asked my dad and my husband for another blessing.  I didn't learn anything new or earth-shattering, but I was reminded of things I already knew and that brought me comfort.  I need to just go forward, trying to get on with life and trying to figure out what's normal.  My mom said "You need to just assume you are cancer-free until you hear otherwise."  So, that's the goal.  That's what I have to shoot for.  I think it's going to take some time before I am really able to get my head wrapped around it all, and it's definitely going to take a lot of prayers.  I'm working on that, and hoping that things will smooth out a bit.  Hopefully yesterday was the lowest point I hit.

Friday, December 12, 2014

I've been going to write a few things down here all week, but haven't had time.  My little man changed all that . . . he woke up all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5:15 a.m., and there was no more sleeping after that.  So, I think I'll hurry and tell my story and then go exercise, and get going on my day.

First, I got a surprise on Monday!  My sister had called and told me that something for my mom and dad's Christmas was going to be delivered to my house, and I needed to be home to sign for it.  She wouldn't give me more information than that, just told me I would understand later.  When I told her that I had a kid to pick up from Scouts, she told me the homeowner needed to be there, and to see if I could make other arrangements.  So then on Monday, she called and told me that my dad was going to drop my mom off at my house on his way to Physical Therapy so she could be here when it was delivered.  (He had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago.)  My mom came to hang out at my house.  That NEVER happens, but my sister had told me it was going to happen, so I didn't think much of it.  My living room was a huge mess because we had been gradually putting up Christmas decorations.  I had boxes EVERYWHERE!  My mom (who is not a neat freak) casually started picking up boxes and taking them in the other room.  She folded the blankets that the kids had left on the floor.  I noticed, and asked her why my messy house was bothering her.  She said, "Oh, I guess I'm just weird."  Ok, that was unusual, but I still didn't put the pieces together.  My dad came back from PT, and just about a minute later there was a knock on the door.  So I went to answer it, and got a huge surprise.  My kid's orthodontist was standing on the doorstep.  I must add here that his office is 1 1/2 hr. away from here, so I was definitely surprised.  I still didn't get it.  I said, "Oh, hi!"  He said, "I'm lost."  I said, "Ok, whatcha looking for?"  He said, "You."  (Huh????  I was so confused.)  I said, "Well, you found me!"  He said "Come out here for a minute."  So, I went outside (kid and dog following, making a racket to just add to the confusion of the moment.)  A lady got out of his car, and he introduced me to her--his wife.  Then he told me that every year their office picks a patient to do something nice for at Christmas, and this year they picked us.  They all pitch in and shop, so he had "a few things for me."  So, he started pulling things out of the car.  There was a bag with food for Christmas dinner, a turkey, a HUGE wrapped box that he said has presents for everyone in our family, and a wrapped basket that looks like candy.  :-)  I couldn't figure out how he had found my house (I only gave them my PO Box.)  I knew that my sister and one of his staff go to the same gym; that's how they did it.  They have been working on this since the beginning of November, and she gave them information to help them know what kinds of things we would like.  A side note . . . I don't think he knows this, but one of my other sisters takes her kids to him, too.  I thought it was so nice of them to think of me.  I think when someone does something nice like that for you, it's so important to take it in the spirit it was given in . . . love.  That was so sweet.  I have a few pictures of the stuff:

Next thing to write about . . . Remember the lady I mentioned previously . . . my friend Cindy that I ran into a week after my last chemo?  At that time, the cancer had spread to her brain, and they were sending her in THAT DAY to set up radiation.  She was not doing well at all, and I thought to myself, "She only has a few weeks left, at most."  I hoped maybe I would run into her at radiation, but I never did.  I found out that she passed away not long after that day in September when I saw her.  Probably only a few days later.  That's why I never ran into her at radiation.  I am so sorry for her family---she left behind a husband and 14-year old daughter, and an older daughter as well.  This is what I hope DOESN'T happen to me.  And I'm so very sorry it happened to them.  She had a funny sense of humor, and she fought the cancer hard.  I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore, and hope her family is doing well.

So, now for the unnerving part . . . I found out my future treatment plan.  I don't love it.  I had hoped there would be some way we could monitor me to make sure the cancer wasn't coming back.  But the Dr. told me that scans just add a lot of extra radiation.  He said if it comes back, it will be in the lung, so I need to keep an eye out for unexplained pain in my lung, a cough that won't go away, unexplained nausea, or unexplained generally feeling rotten.  That's so unnerving.  I had hoped there would be a good way we could watch for it and catch it if it comes back BEFORE it gets to the lung.  But, as close to the chest wall as that tumor was, I guess it wouldn't be surprising that it would head straight for my lung.

Because it is estrogen dependent, I will also be on anti-estrogen medication.  In some ways that also makes me nervous.  I hadn't even thought about this until my sister-in-law mentioned it yesterday, but what if it makes me grouchy?  I don't want my family to have to suffer.  And, of course, there's the bone density issue that this brings up . . . I'm starting menopause pretty early, so I also have to take a WHOPPING dose of calcium and vitamin D every day.  That increases my chance of another kidney stone, but helps with the bone density.

Oh, dear.  I think it would be easier to deal with if I could have a "scan" or some sort of "evidence" to show that things were ok in there.  I've been trying to absorb all this information---I think, really, it leads me back to where we started.  I just need to try my best not to worry about it--watch for symptoms, but just take each day as it comes and just trust that Heavenly Father cares enough about my family to do what is best for us.  So, I will continue trying to practice having faith.  I'm learning that it takes practice!

Friday, November 28,2014

It's Black Friday.  Notice where I am not?  That's right.  I'm home and I plan on staying home!

My last day of radiation was good.  I'm SO glad to be done, but I will miss all the great people there.  When you see them every day, they become your friends.  I'm sad about that, but not sad enough to go back for more treatment!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  It was wonderful!  Mean mom that I am, I gave my kids a writing assignment on Monday and Tuesday.  (They really groaned, but I bribed them with chocolate.  :-)  )  I asked them to write what they have learned this year.  I wanted them to recognize the value of trials, even though they are hard.  Here are their responses:

My 6-year old has a hard time expressing himself verbally, so he needed some help.  He wrote:  "Prayer."  I asked him more about that, and together we came up with, "Heavenly Father answers prayers."  "Please bless all those who are sick so they can get all the way feeling better."  "We can ask Heavenly Father to help sick people."
He wrote "Family."  I asked more about that, and together we came up with "They love each other, family is important."
He wrote "Heavenly Father's Plan."  We came up with "Jesus died for us, so we can be resurrected like He was.  They (someone who dies) can be resurrected, so we could see and be with them again." He wrote, "Wrighting."  (His writing has come a long way this year---he's in 1st grade now.  Although he spelled 'writing' wrong, isn't it interesting how he spelled it?  I'm surprised that he used "ght.")  "Reading."  (Ditto for reading.)  "Helping."  (He really has had to help more at home.)  "Seting the teabl"  (Setting the table---like I said, he has had to help more around the house.)  "Doing my job."  (Likewise.)  When I talked to him about it, he elaborated, "[I have had to] help and do my job.  [I have learned] to be a good worker."
He also wrote that he has learned "Playing", "Painting."
He also told me "That you can get girl cancer or boy cancer.  Sometimes it is scary and sometimes it is not.  Your eyebrows and hair fall out."

My 8-year old wrote (without help):
"I learned how to work harder.  I learned to put others needs before yours.  I leaned that through priesthood power anything is possible if it is Heavenly Father's will.  I learned how to help make the house like a temple.  I learned how to be greatful (grateful) for what you have and not be jealous.  I learned that what you do is how others see you.  I learned that a person is a person no matter how small.  I learned that you should not judge someone by their looks.  I learned that there are more valuable things than money."

My 11-year old wrote:
"I learned how to tell Heavenly Father about my day whenever I pray and I also learned that having cancer (chemotherapy, whatever) in the family is hard.  I learned that Heavenly Father answers our prayers and I also learned that when Mom has real cancer, it's kinda hard.  I also learned how to floss and brush every night before bed and I have made a habit to write cursive, put my name on every paper, add my class number, and the date!  I also learned that Heavenly Father really is there, and that the church is true.  I have found out that squirrels sweat through their feet, and that 90% of people can't lick their elbows, and that hippo sweat is red, and that every Christmas Eve, a dude dressed as Santa Claus water skis on a river in Maryland, and that sadly, Kaylee [her friend] moved . . . I'm ok, though.  I think . . . . "

My 14-year old wrote:
"Throughout this year of 2014, I have learned to be more grateful for everything we have.  For freedoms, families, homes, friends, and so much more!  I have learned that each day is a blessing.  Each day has more and more surprises and blessings to be thankful for.  I have learned that God will bless us with peace and comfort in times of need.  He will help us to be faithful.  He will listen when we tell Him about hard things or good times in our lives.
"I have also learned that if something is hard, stick with it.  The reward (although it may not seem like much) is so wonderful if you have worked hard for it.  Likewise, no matter what anybody says about your performance, as long as you did all you could, it is still okay.  Don't give up on something even if someone is rude about how you do.  If you give up, you will lose the reward of doing your best.  I have learned to try and that is all that counts is how hard you try . . . .
"I have found that I love to write and use my imagination to put my thoughts on paper. I have learned that life is a special gift to enjoy each day.
"I have learned that the world will not end if you have to give a presentation.  Although you don't want to do it, the world will not end when you give it.
"I have learned to appreciate family more, and that trials can make you grow stronger.
"I have learned skills that will help me when I am a mother.  Skills such as;  Playing with children, cooking for children, being kind and PATIENCE!  Patience is so important when dealing with children because they don't always cooperate.
"I have learned how much of a blessing someone can be in your life.  Look past the outward appearance, and you may find a diamond in the rough.  Someone may not seem like much, but if you get to know them, they could be one of the nicest people you know.  Everyone else might not see it, no matter how hard you try to get them to see.  Always stand up for what is right.  You may get bullied or teased, but God is on your side if you do what is right."

My 16-year old wrote:
"I have learned many things this year through school and Mom's cancer.  I have learned ecology in Science.  But the thing that has taught me the most this past year is the trial of my mom's cancer.  It has been hard to deal with sometimes.  But because of it, I have learned temperance, trust, and faith in God, and have felt a deep sense of understanding, and an appreciation for the Atonement.  I have learned that some of the promised blessings and lessons come through hard things, and that they sometimes take a long time to come.  I have learned to trust and have faith in God.  He knows what He is doing, and knows what I need and want better than I do.  He has a perfect plan where we are tried.  He does not leave us alone, thanks to Christ's Atonement.  H is here for us, and loves us more than we can understand.  I have felt deep peace and understanding."

I asked my husband to write one, but so far nothing has happened . . . I think he correctly guessed that I would post it.  If it does, I'll add it onto the end of this post!

With many of my kid's responses, I understand the circumstances (other than cancer) that have happened to help them to learn these things.  It makes it all worth it (did I just say that?????) and makes me all the more determined to stay above ground for a LONG time so that I can be around to continue teaching them and watching their growth.  I'm proud of them for being tough through the hard times, and I hope I can continue trying to help them with the things they struggle with.

Monday, November 24, 2014

LAST DAY OF RADIATION!  Hooray!  I was going to mention a few things in my last post, but I forgot.

Another one of those beautiful things I have seen traveling back and forth occurred on Veteran's Day.  My kids always have programs at their school to honor the veterans.  I knew I wouldn't be able to go to all of them because of my radiation appointment, but I wanted to go to what I could, for as long as I could.  I went to one program, but had to leave early.  It was a cold day; the first day we really had snow on the ground.  Only 5 minutes after leaving the program, I saw a bald eagle perched on a power pole.  It was beautiful, and seemed to be very fitting for that day.

On a more serious note, I wanted to mention a few things.  If I've mentioned them earlier, sorry.  Blame chemo for my forgetfulness.  :-)

There are a lot of things that we believe about breast cancer that are myths.  I want to get the word out about that!  First of all, there are a lot of different types of breast cancer, and the symptoms can vary.  Some can be diagnosed via mammogram, and others can't.  Add to this complex mix the fact that healthy breast tissue can be very dense.  All of this can make finding and diagnosing pretty tricky.

My early "symptoms" were not things that we think of as being symptoms.  I couldn't feel a lump.  But I did notice that breast was tender a lot of the time, even when the other one wasn't.  I didn't worry about it because A. I couldn't feel a lump, and B. I had read that breast lumps aren't usually tender.  In hindsight, I catch the word "usually."  But, please learn from me----even though they usually aren't painful, they can be.

Secondly, I have a family history of a lot of other cancers, but no breast cancer history.  Therefore, I couldn't have breast cancer, could I?  Wrong.  Now I know that 80-85% of all women that have breast cancer have no breast cancer history.  This can happen to any woman (and men, too), regardless of a history of breast cancer.  If you do have a history, your risk is even higher.

Thirdly, I'm too young to have breast cancer.  Wrong again.  I can't remember the exact ages, but the most common age group for breast cancer is about 50-60 (I say that pretty loosely, because I can't remember the exact age breakdowns.)  Now I catch the word "most."  That doesn't mean "all."  Since being diagnosed, I have heard of several women that have had breast cancer in their 30's.  Eric, one of the radiation therapy guys, told me that they had one patient that was 24.  She found a lump when showering.  I have also recently read that in recent years, there has been an increase in the number of young (being defined as 30-something) women being diagnosed with aggressive breast cancers.  They don't know the reason.

I guess from my perspective, what I want others to learn from this experience is this:  Do your exams.  If you miss one, do it when you remember.  Know what your breasts look like in the mirror, and what they feel like.  If something changes---looks or feels different---keep an eye on it.  If it doesn't go back to "normal" within a week or two, go in and just have it checked out.  Chances are good that you will be "wasting your money."  But, go check it out.  If it ends up being something bad, the earlier you catch it, the better.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Well, my last post was at my "low point."  I had some responsibilities for one of my callings, and had some decisions to make.  At that point, I was really feeling the pressure . . . but now that's a lot better.  :-)

So, I have one more day of radiation.  I have felt really good through the whole thing, just a little more tired than usual.  Some nights, I have to turn family responsibilities over to my husband and head for bed early---just can't stay awake one more minute.  But during the day, I have felt good.  The last week or so, the radiation burns have become pretty painful.  But, wow!  I made it to almost the end before they really started to get to me.  I've done well.  (Interestingly enough, they say that darker skinned people have a harder time with the burns . . . so, once again, I have been very blessed.)  They have given me some products to help out--- 100% aloe to use all along.  Then when it's gotten worse, silvadine (I may have spelled that wrong) cream, which really helps.  And also, sheets of Mepilex.  Those are sheets of foam--think of a large piece of gauze and you have about the correct thickness.  On one side it's foam, and on the other, it's adhesive.  You stick the adhesive to your skin.  I don't know how and why they work, but they are AWESOME!!!!!!  They really, really help.  :-)  I'm feeling really lucky that they have taken such good care of me.  I would recommend these great medical people to anyone---I think of them as friends, now, and I'm going to miss them when I'm done.  I have also met other patients, and have discovered that when you both have cancer, you have a natural "bond" because you are going through the same things.  I have met the nicest people.

The last week or so as I have made the daily drive, I have thought a lot about how much I have been blessed.  It's funny . . . I had a lot of blessings before this all happened, and I was appreciative, but this has made me so much more aware.

The time away from home and family has been hard, but we have kind of gotten into a routine, so it has started to smooth out some.  I thought I would HATE  the drive, but I haven't.  Until the last 2 weeks, I have had perfect fall weather so the roads have been good.  Thinking back, I have seen such pretty scenery as I have driven.  When I first started, the fall colors were on, and they were at their peak of brilliance.  As the weeks have gone on, I have watched the leaves gradually drop off the trees.  With our recent snows, I have seen scenery that looks like something off a Christmas card.  I have seen evergreen trees, heavy with snow.  On other days, when it's bitterly cold, I have seen frost clinging to the bare branches of trees.  The other day, there were several deer out near the road--one buck and several does.  It has been beautiful.

Another blessing is that it has given me the opportunity to do my Christmas shopping early.  I am almost done.  I have NEVER, EVER been this far along this early.  With a lot of other responsibilities in my callings and extended family that are coming my way shortly, having my shopping all done is going to really going to help me out!  I'm super excited about that!

My eyebrows have grown back so much I don't need eyebrow pencil at all anymore.  My eyelashes are coming . . . still kinda stubby and straight, but there!  I don't know how much more they will grow, or if they will ever curl at all, but you know, if they don't grow more, and they stay straight, that's a small price to pay for my life.  My hair is long enough and thick enough now that you can see it.  :-)  It's growing pretty slowly, but coming!  It's really fine--very soft like baby hair.  On the down side, I'm having to shave my legs and armpits again.  Oh, well.  It's worth it.

One thing I need to be prepared for that I mentioned previously in passing.  I have been very focused on fighting cancer.  When this is all over and life gets back to "normal" (whatever that is!) I need to be prepared for the fear that's going to come along with day-to-day living, hoping it's not growing in there, and being afraid it might.  I felt a little of that last night.  I had always thought that once the treatments were over, it would be back to business as usual, but I can see it won't be.  So, I need to be thinking about how to manage that so the fear doesn't swarm in and rule my life.

Well, these kids are fighting.  Time to have breakfast and start Saturday cleaning jobs!

Wed. Nov. 5th, 2014

Wow.  This constant traveling to and from radiation is hard stuff.  I feel pretty good--just a little tired and sore, but the schedule is tough.  If I sound ridiculously grouchy here, it's because I have been during the last few days . . . I've just begun to be so tired, and having such a hard time keeping up with all my various responsibilities.  I didn't realize I was being so ornery until the last few days when it has all peaked, and my husband has commented on my grouchiness.  :-(

One thing that's hard that seems to be my lot in life . . .  We have some family members that are suffering from ill health.  Before this whole cancer thing came up, I was getting constant inquiries about their welfare.  I'm sure the people who were asking had only the best of intentions, but it felt like an accusation---that I wasn't doing a good enough job taking care of them.  One person pretty much said that, point blank.  I was doing my best---but I live 30 minutes away from them and have 6 kids of my own!  If I go there to take care of them, I do so at the price of my own children.  I can't pick up kid #1 from location A, take kid #2 to location B, and be taking care of things 30 minutes away at the same time!!  Even when I called the family members to ask how things were going, the answer I heard over the phone was vastly different than what people told me when they asked about their welfare---I got "surprises" all the time.   It's just really frustrating.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, no one asked anymore . . . until now.  Lately, it has all started up again.  I just want to scream, "HELLO????  Does anyone around here remember that I am still having cancer treatment myself?  Anyone remember that I am fighting for my life here???"

I have had a lot of offers of help, but I don't know what to ask people to help with.  What I really need is about 5 more hours in my day.  Oh, well, I'll stop ranting now.  :-)

So, the weirdest thing is happening.  I'm losing all my eyelashes.  Now.  When I have hair starting to come in, eyebrows starting to grow back, leg hair growing back.  And no eyelashes.  Weird.  The other day I was driving home and it looked like I had a hair hanging in my eyes.  I couldn't figure out why that would be the case, and all attempts to brush whatever that thing was out of the way failed.  I finally pulled over and looked in the mirror.  It was two loose eyelashes, hanging down right in my field of vision.  Weird.  Yesterday I lost two eyelashes on my left eye, and one on my right (that I know of.)  I can't wear mascara anymore--there are only two eyelashes on my right eye to put it on.  Weird.  Hope they come back!

Well, gotta run.  Everyone is up for scriptures, and I need to go attend to my responsibilities!