Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Sometimes I am amazed as I see things unfold. Life has a lot of little coincidences, and it's amazing when I am able to look back and see that some of them weren't coincidental at all . . .
I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but in December, a member of our bishopric (Brother Wells) was talking to me and he asked me if I would talk at a 5th Sunday meeting sometime in the future about the things I have learned through this delightful breast cancer experience. In hindsight, it seems like he hadn't "pre-planned" to ask me; it seems it just came to him then, though I don't know for sure about that, of course. I do remember him saying he needed to ask the bishop and get back to me. I told him I really had no desire to do it, but I felt like Heavenly Father expects us to try to help each other, so I would talk . . . I guess. He later talked to the bishop and got approval. During the "waiting time" I began jotting down thoughts, etc, in preparation for that future event.
Fast forward to March, when there was a 5th Sunday coming up. As anticipated, I was asked to speak. As I was preparing, I kept thinking about talking about medical stuff--do your exams, what to look for, etc. As I was preparing, I kept trying to take that part of my talk out, feeling it wasn't super-appropriate to include it in a 5th Sunday meeting, with the youth there, BESIDES which, I don't have any real medical training, and so I don't really feel that I am qualified. I wondered if we should just do an Enrichment on breast cancer instead, but concluded that since they are generally poorly attended, that might not really help get the word out to the women. I also realized (sorry to be graphic) that men really do need to know this--sometimes they are the ones that notice there's a problem with their wife. I was really stewing about this. One day, a week or so before I was to speak, Brother Wells caught me in the hall at church, and asked me how the preparations were going. I told him I was working on it, told him my problem, and then asked if it would be ok if I talked a little about the medical angle. He said he thought so, and the bishop, who had just come up behind him, said he thought so, too.
So, I prepared . . . I tried to think of which medical things I SHOULD say, and which things I SHOULDN'T say. It was hard, and it was nerve-wracking. I gave the 5th Sunday talk, even the squirmy, uncomfortable parts about the medical stuff, and didn't think another thing about it . . . I was just glad to be done!
Last Thursday evening, my visiting teaching partner stopped by, but I wasn't home. So, when I got home, I called to see what she needed. She told me that there was a lady in our ward that was there that day who had just found out she had breast cancer. The next day, I took her some flowers and visited with her. She told me she had been a bit uncomfortable with the medical part of my talk (I think everyone was!) but had, one week later (on Easter Sunday) decided she should do an exam. She found a lump, which turned out to be cancerous. She had surgery yesterday. She doesn't know her treatment plan yet, but it will include chemo.
This morning, as I have been thinking about the events up to this point, I am realizing how many things that I thought were "coincidence" that are not. Brother Wells just "happened" to think of asking me to speak. I just "couldn't" leave out that uncomfortable medical part, even though I kept trying to re-write my talk without it. This morning, I have been trying to think of how I can best help her through this experience---how I can pay it forward---and all of a sudden, something I saw just last week that may be of help came to my mind. Coincidence? I don't think so.
I won't be publishing this post right away. At this point, this lady is still trying to keep a low profile, as she grapples with the news. I understand--I've been there! But when it's common knowledge--it WILL go viral--I'll post it. And I am going to try my very hardest to pay it forward--to help her as others have helped me.
Sunday, April 26th
I can post now; I've heard it from other sources. And, as I am usually the very last to hear about anything, I'm sure I can safely assume it is common knowledge now.
In other news, my dad had surgery for his prostate cancer on Friday. The MRI they did on Wednesday showed that the cancer went to the very edge of the prostate; they were hopeful that it had not spread beyond. Pathology results will take a week, so we don't know any more yet.
Gotta run---I have a Primary lesson to prepare!
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Thurs. April 16, 2015
Just checkin' in . . .
I had a mammogram a few weeks ago. Everything looked ok. Whew. Relief!
And yesterday, I went out to the Dr. to have an ultrasound. I keep feeling some hard "pinches" in my abdomen. The Dr. thinks my ovaries are trying to "wake up" but I really wanted to just MAKE SURE we weren't missing anything. Everything looks good. Again, relief!
I wonder how long it will be before I stop "looking over my shoulder" constantly? I don't want to be a hypochondriac, but I have to say, this has really made me so aware of how quickly things can change.
I am doing really well emotionally, now. I'm enjoying life--trying to squeeze out every bit of joy I can each day. What a blessing it is to be alive!!!
Just checkin' in . . .
I had a mammogram a few weeks ago. Everything looked ok. Whew. Relief!
And yesterday, I went out to the Dr. to have an ultrasound. I keep feeling some hard "pinches" in my abdomen. The Dr. thinks my ovaries are trying to "wake up" but I really wanted to just MAKE SURE we weren't missing anything. Everything looks good. Again, relief!
I wonder how long it will be before I stop "looking over my shoulder" constantly? I don't want to be a hypochondriac, but I have to say, this has really made me so aware of how quickly things can change.
I am doing really well emotionally, now. I'm enjoying life--trying to squeeze out every bit of joy I can each day. What a blessing it is to be alive!!!
Monday, April 6, 2015
Monday, April 6th
I made an April's Fools Breakfast for my kids on April Fool's Day.
The juice is real orange juice, but I added unflavored gelatin to make it "orange juice" jello. The "toast" is pound cake, buttered and toasted in a frying pan. The "egg white" is vanilla yogurt. The "egg yolk" is 1/2 apricot (canned.) Snicker. I'm not smart--I found it in a magazine, and decided to give it a whirl! It was kinda fun.
A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak about all the things I've learned from this whole breast cancer adventure at a 5th Sunday meeting in church. Most of the things I talked about, I have talked about in posts on here, so I'm not going to post my talk. It was actually a really hard talk to prepare . . . usually when I have been asked to talk in church, I have been given a topic, or a source to get my info from. Then I just go to those sources, or the scriptures, regurgitate what other people (smarter than myself, of course) have written, add my own comments and thoughts, and that's it! No worries. This one was harder--this one was "all me." I worried and fretted about whether the things I was preparing were "appropriate", "doctrinally correct", etc. I'm grateful it's over, and hope that in some way, something that I have learned can be of benefit to someone else.
Along that topic . . . this morning I had to take my kids to a medical appointment. When I got there, one of the people that works there quietly asked me if I knew about one of the women that works there. I said, "No." She then told me that because of my experience, they have all been diligent in doing their exams, having mammograms, etc. (One time when I was in there, I told them my symptoms and the shadow/dimpling that I saw that made me go to the Dr.) Well, she said that this lady was doing her exam in the mirror and saw a "shadowy" spot on the underside of her breast. She went to her Dr., and had a mammogram. She ended up having a biopsy, which came up positive. A few weeks ago, she underwent a double mastectomy. Her sentinal nodes were negative for cancerous cells, so she probably won't have to do chemo, and she won't have to do radiation. I don't know if the shadow is the reason she caught it, or if she would have caught it anyway, but I can honestly say, if my experience causes ONE woman to catch it earlier than I did, it will have been worth it. I am so glad she caught it early!!!!
There's another lady that lives here. She found her cancer in about November. She had a double mastectomy, and they didn't think she was going to have to do chemo. I just heard that she is doing chemo after all, and has been pretty sick. Poor lady. That stuff is brutal. I would like to do something nice for her, but I don't know what to do yet . . . or how to do it. I'll have to keep working on this one . . .
One other thing I would like to mention, that I talked about in my church talk. When I think about the story of Joseph (of Egypt), I often wonder what his thoughts were when he was sitting down in the bottom of a pit, when he was sold, and later, when he was sitting in prison after having chosen the RIGHT thing. Was he bitter? Did he wonder why things weren't working out? He had chosen the right, after all! Did he know how things were going to work out? WE know the end of that story, and can see how it all fit into the "plan." But did he see that? Or did he just feel bitter, sad, or angry because things weren't working out right then?
One day, I was washing dishes. That's boring, so my mind was wandering. All of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, a phrase from my patriarchal blessing popped into my head. It was a part that had not previously been fulfilled. All of a sudden, I realized that it was in the process of being fulfilled, BECAUSE of this cancer experience. That happened again a few weeks later, with a different phrase. It was another witness that this whole mess was a necessary part of Heavenly Father's plan for me and for my family. I don't know why yet, and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that this learning opportunity was essential for our growth. Knowing that makes it easier to accept it and have faith in a loving Father regarding my family's future, whatever it holds.
I made an April's Fools Breakfast for my kids on April Fool's Day.
The juice is real orange juice, but I added unflavored gelatin to make it "orange juice" jello. The "toast" is pound cake, buttered and toasted in a frying pan. The "egg white" is vanilla yogurt. The "egg yolk" is 1/2 apricot (canned.) Snicker. I'm not smart--I found it in a magazine, and decided to give it a whirl! It was kinda fun.
A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak about all the things I've learned from this whole breast cancer adventure at a 5th Sunday meeting in church. Most of the things I talked about, I have talked about in posts on here, so I'm not going to post my talk. It was actually a really hard talk to prepare . . . usually when I have been asked to talk in church, I have been given a topic, or a source to get my info from. Then I just go to those sources, or the scriptures, regurgitate what other people (smarter than myself, of course) have written, add my own comments and thoughts, and that's it! No worries. This one was harder--this one was "all me." I worried and fretted about whether the things I was preparing were "appropriate", "doctrinally correct", etc. I'm grateful it's over, and hope that in some way, something that I have learned can be of benefit to someone else.
Along that topic . . . this morning I had to take my kids to a medical appointment. When I got there, one of the people that works there quietly asked me if I knew about one of the women that works there. I said, "No." She then told me that because of my experience, they have all been diligent in doing their exams, having mammograms, etc. (One time when I was in there, I told them my symptoms and the shadow/dimpling that I saw that made me go to the Dr.) Well, she said that this lady was doing her exam in the mirror and saw a "shadowy" spot on the underside of her breast. She went to her Dr., and had a mammogram. She ended up having a biopsy, which came up positive. A few weeks ago, she underwent a double mastectomy. Her sentinal nodes were negative for cancerous cells, so she probably won't have to do chemo, and she won't have to do radiation. I don't know if the shadow is the reason she caught it, or if she would have caught it anyway, but I can honestly say, if my experience causes ONE woman to catch it earlier than I did, it will have been worth it. I am so glad she caught it early!!!!
There's another lady that lives here. She found her cancer in about November. She had a double mastectomy, and they didn't think she was going to have to do chemo. I just heard that she is doing chemo after all, and has been pretty sick. Poor lady. That stuff is brutal. I would like to do something nice for her, but I don't know what to do yet . . . or how to do it. I'll have to keep working on this one . . .
One other thing I would like to mention, that I talked about in my church talk. When I think about the story of Joseph (of Egypt), I often wonder what his thoughts were when he was sitting down in the bottom of a pit, when he was sold, and later, when he was sitting in prison after having chosen the RIGHT thing. Was he bitter? Did he wonder why things weren't working out? He had chosen the right, after all! Did he know how things were going to work out? WE know the end of that story, and can see how it all fit into the "plan." But did he see that? Or did he just feel bitter, sad, or angry because things weren't working out right then?
One day, I was washing dishes. That's boring, so my mind was wandering. All of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, a phrase from my patriarchal blessing popped into my head. It was a part that had not previously been fulfilled. All of a sudden, I realized that it was in the process of being fulfilled, BECAUSE of this cancer experience. That happened again a few weeks later, with a different phrase. It was another witness that this whole mess was a necessary part of Heavenly Father's plan for me and for my family. I don't know why yet, and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that this learning opportunity was essential for our growth. Knowing that makes it easier to accept it and have faith in a loving Father regarding my family's future, whatever it holds.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Sat. March 14, 2015
Last night was a little bit of a payday. My oldest son is in a high school play, Peter Pan. Let me just say here that he doesn't have much acting experience . . . he was Santa Claus in a short, musical version of The Night Before Christmas, and last year he played two minor roles in The Wizard of Oz. So, I really had no idea that he had so much untapped talent. He plays Captain Hook. I sat in the audience and was pretty dang amazed. Loved it! So glad I'm still around to see it!
Last night was a little bit of a payday. My oldest son is in a high school play, Peter Pan. Let me just say here that he doesn't have much acting experience . . . he was Santa Claus in a short, musical version of The Night Before Christmas, and last year he played two minor roles in The Wizard of Oz. So, I really had no idea that he had so much untapped talent. He plays Captain Hook. I sat in the audience and was pretty dang amazed. Loved it! So glad I'm still around to see it!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Tuesday, March 10th
When I was growing up, my mom always told me that the world didn't revolve around me. (I really didn't understand what she meant by that . . .) Well, I just found out that she was wrong. It does! At least it does in my house, though not in the way she meant.
Yesterday was a frustrating day. It was busy, and all the late nights and early mornings and daylight saving time all compounded and caught up to me. That means all the "little things" that shouldn't have been a big deal were "big things." I was frustrated and exhausted. Nearly in meltdown, I went to bed early. In my exhaustion, I forgot to set my alarm.
Well, you know the rest of that story. I woke up this morning 5 minutes too late for my kids to catch their bus. Not 5 minutes later than usual . . . 5 minutes after the bus had gone by. None of my kid's alarms had rung, either, as luck would have it, and they were ALL still asleep, as was my husband. We rushed to get everyone ready, and they made it to school (on time, even!) but if I ever think that I'm not needed, all I need to do is just pull a stunt like that or try to "take a day off" and go somewhere!
I think it's probably ok to post this next part now, because I think the only people who read this blog are probably my family anyway---I've been trying to respect the privacy of others by letting them tell their own news and not spreading it around . . . A week ago, we found out that my dad has prostate cancer. The Dr. thinks---and we hope and pray---that it is still pretty early. Prostate cancer is a slow-growing cancer--thus chemo is not an appropriate treatment. His treatment options are: 1. Surgery 2. Radiation 3. Hormone Therapy 4. Do nothing. Surgery is the preferred treatment option, especially if it is early enough that it hasn't spread beyond the prostate. If it has, they will need to follow up with radiation to try to kill it. Hormone therapy doesn't "kill" the cancer, but it slows it's spread. It isn't a good option for anyone that wishes to live a long time more. And doing nothing means the cancer would keep growing---albeit slowly---until it spread through the body and took the man's life.
They can't do the surgery until 6 weeks after the biopsy, because of risk of infection. So, Dad is scheduled for surgery next month. We will know a lot more then, after they get in there and see exactly how far it has spread.
Yesterday afternoon I was talking with the sweet lady who was my visiting teacher while I was going through chemo. (She has since been moved to a different route. :-( ) She substitute teaches in seminary sometimes, and she was telling me about a conversation they had in class the other day. My oldest son was in the class, and they were talking about trials and looking for the good. She told me some of the things she had talked about, and some of the comments my son had made. One of the comments he made was that the trials you have prepare you for things that happen later in your life--including other trials later. I know he was referring to the news that my dad has cancer---he really loves and respects his grandpa.
I think about how traumatic the whole idea of cancer was for all of us a year ago, and I look at how we are handling my dad's now, and I realize that we all really HAVE grown. We worry, of course, and we pray, but we aren't totally freaked out like we would have been a year ago--we are handling it. We know and understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. Death is part of that plan, and while we hope and pray that LIFE will be the outcome, we know that even if it doesn't turn out that way, it will be o.k.
I found out on Sunday that a lady I know that lives here passed away. She was a real fighter---she had cancer 3 times, and also had a bout of septic shock that she survived. I ran into her in the grocery store in Idaho Falls last fall when I was out doing radiation. At that time, she had just found out that her cancer had returned---we were joking around about hair---my lack thereof and her barely-hanging-on-hair. At that point, she was trying to keep it as long as she could. She was a good lady; she showed me how to stick with it in the midst of adversity. I'm sad that she's gone---but I'm so glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I hope and pray that her family will find peace at this time.
Well, my little boy is poking me with a toy bow and arrow--he wants me to help him shoot it, so I guess I better get going. Break's over! Like I said, it feels like the world does revolve around me in this house!
When I was growing up, my mom always told me that the world didn't revolve around me. (I really didn't understand what she meant by that . . .) Well, I just found out that she was wrong. It does! At least it does in my house, though not in the way she meant.
Yesterday was a frustrating day. It was busy, and all the late nights and early mornings and daylight saving time all compounded and caught up to me. That means all the "little things" that shouldn't have been a big deal were "big things." I was frustrated and exhausted. Nearly in meltdown, I went to bed early. In my exhaustion, I forgot to set my alarm.
Well, you know the rest of that story. I woke up this morning 5 minutes too late for my kids to catch their bus. Not 5 minutes later than usual . . . 5 minutes after the bus had gone by. None of my kid's alarms had rung, either, as luck would have it, and they were ALL still asleep, as was my husband. We rushed to get everyone ready, and they made it to school (on time, even!) but if I ever think that I'm not needed, all I need to do is just pull a stunt like that or try to "take a day off" and go somewhere!
I think it's probably ok to post this next part now, because I think the only people who read this blog are probably my family anyway---I've been trying to respect the privacy of others by letting them tell their own news and not spreading it around . . . A week ago, we found out that my dad has prostate cancer. The Dr. thinks---and we hope and pray---that it is still pretty early. Prostate cancer is a slow-growing cancer--thus chemo is not an appropriate treatment. His treatment options are: 1. Surgery 2. Radiation 3. Hormone Therapy 4. Do nothing. Surgery is the preferred treatment option, especially if it is early enough that it hasn't spread beyond the prostate. If it has, they will need to follow up with radiation to try to kill it. Hormone therapy doesn't "kill" the cancer, but it slows it's spread. It isn't a good option for anyone that wishes to live a long time more. And doing nothing means the cancer would keep growing---albeit slowly---until it spread through the body and took the man's life.
They can't do the surgery until 6 weeks after the biopsy, because of risk of infection. So, Dad is scheduled for surgery next month. We will know a lot more then, after they get in there and see exactly how far it has spread.
Yesterday afternoon I was talking with the sweet lady who was my visiting teacher while I was going through chemo. (She has since been moved to a different route. :-( ) She substitute teaches in seminary sometimes, and she was telling me about a conversation they had in class the other day. My oldest son was in the class, and they were talking about trials and looking for the good. She told me some of the things she had talked about, and some of the comments my son had made. One of the comments he made was that the trials you have prepare you for things that happen later in your life--including other trials later. I know he was referring to the news that my dad has cancer---he really loves and respects his grandpa.
I think about how traumatic the whole idea of cancer was for all of us a year ago, and I look at how we are handling my dad's now, and I realize that we all really HAVE grown. We worry, of course, and we pray, but we aren't totally freaked out like we would have been a year ago--we are handling it. We know and understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. Death is part of that plan, and while we hope and pray that LIFE will be the outcome, we know that even if it doesn't turn out that way, it will be o.k.
I found out on Sunday that a lady I know that lives here passed away. She was a real fighter---she had cancer 3 times, and also had a bout of septic shock that she survived. I ran into her in the grocery store in Idaho Falls last fall when I was out doing radiation. At that time, she had just found out that her cancer had returned---we were joking around about hair---my lack thereof and her barely-hanging-on-hair. At that point, she was trying to keep it as long as she could. She was a good lady; she showed me how to stick with it in the midst of adversity. I'm sad that she's gone---but I'm so glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I hope and pray that her family will find peace at this time.
Well, my little boy is poking me with a toy bow and arrow--he wants me to help him shoot it, so I guess I better get going. Break's over! Like I said, it feels like the world does revolve around me in this house!
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Saturday, March 7, 2015
I think I probably picked the absolute worst time to sit down and type. Tonight is "spring forward." Groan. This is the only night of the year that I wish I lived in Arizona.
I have been intending to get on here and write for a long time, but holy, moly! I'm so dang busy these days!
Mentally, I have made a whole lot of progress this last month. I still have my moments of fear--mainly when I feel pain---but they are becoming very rare, and overall, I'm moving on quite well. I still need to be vigilant, of course, but I have really made progress.
I had my first "haircut" the other day. It was just shaggy and unruly, so I went in for a little trim. There wasn't much to trim off--just one-quarter to one-half of an inch. The cosmetologist just trimmed the sides around my ears and the back, shaped it so it wasn't so shaggy, and she also trimmed the top just a bit so it was even. It lays a lot nicer, although I am on an adventure for sure!!!! My hair is curly! (It wasn't curly before!) But, I can see I'm going to have to plan on getting my hair cut regularly---before the trim, I had an Afro. (Is that the real name of a haircut, or is it a politically incorrect racial slur? It sounds like it could be the latter . . . if it is, I apologize profusely. I mean no offense---I just have never heard another name for that type of hairstyle.) Anyhow, it was getting kind of round on top, though it wasn't too long yet. It is a real change---we will see what happens as it gets longer and heavier . . .
I am also working on my bucket list---both making and working on crossing off. I guess I had always assumed I would live to be about 100, give or take. I don't know why. I just never thought I would die young. Now, I have had a wake-up call.
One of the things I learned through this experience is that we all need to make sure we are spending time on the things that matter most. When I leave this life (hopefully later, rather than sooner) the ONLY things I will take with me are the things I have learned, the character I have become---whether positive or negative, and the relationships I have with others. That's it. So I better be really sure that I am spending my time on the things that matter most---yes, we do need to take care of our bodies, work so we have money for the things we need, etc. But it's all a balancing act, and if we want to avoid regrets, we need to make sure the things we are doing are important to someone's welfare (self included)---either mentally, spiritually, physically, etc.
With all that being said, I am realizing I need to begin working on my bucket list NOW, and I need to not assume I will have the opportunity when my kids are raised and gone. However (back to that balancing act) there are things I am NOT willing to do now, because they aren't important to anyone's welfare, and they will take too much time away from my family, which is my very most important role--mother and wife. (This is a soapbox of mine. Lucky for you all, I'm tired, so I won't get on it tonight.) So, I'm working on the little things. Funny, though . . . when I wasn't writing my bucket list down or trying to accomplish anything that was on it, it was a pretty short list in my head. Now, it just keeps getting longer, and longer, and longer . . . Oh, well. I'm working on the little things---and enjoying them!
I can't yet say I'm glad I had cancer. I think it's too soon for that. But I think about who I was a year ago, and I can see some growth in myself. I think I'm a better person, in many ways, because of the experience. I am grateful for that growth and hope I can take the things I have learned and use them to benefit myself, my family, friends, community, etc.
Now, I have to tell a funny story to end this post. About a month ago, my husband realized that he isn't as young as he used to be . . . and realized that retirement age is going to sneak up on us a whole lot faster than we ever imagined (assuming, of course, that we live that long.) So, we decided we should get some retirement accounts started---even if we can only contribute a little, it's better than nothing! We went and met with a financial planner guy. After we set everything up, he asked about our life insurance, and asked if we needed to review it to make sure we had adequate coverage. Turning to my husband, he said, "You seem healthy. You could probably get this [referring to the cheapest plan that only really healthy people can get]."
My husband said, "No, I don't think so, I have a few health problems." He then proceeded to describe them.
Then the planner turned to me, "How much [life insurance] do you have?"
I told him what I have.
"Maybe we should see if we can get a little more on you."
To which I replied, "Ummm. I don't really think they would issue me a policy."
He seemed a little surprised. "Why not?"
"Well, I'm a cancer survivor."
"Oh, really? How long ago?"
"I just finished radiation in November."
(Turning away from the computer screen, in a way that reminded me of someone shutting a book), "Oh, well, I guess it's a good thing you have that policy in place!"
I was not offended---I thought it was hilarious!!!! I had to work on it not to laugh out loud.
Hopefully my family won't be needing that policy! :-)
I think I probably picked the absolute worst time to sit down and type. Tonight is "spring forward." Groan. This is the only night of the year that I wish I lived in Arizona.
I have been intending to get on here and write for a long time, but holy, moly! I'm so dang busy these days!
Mentally, I have made a whole lot of progress this last month. I still have my moments of fear--mainly when I feel pain---but they are becoming very rare, and overall, I'm moving on quite well. I still need to be vigilant, of course, but I have really made progress.
I had my first "haircut" the other day. It was just shaggy and unruly, so I went in for a little trim. There wasn't much to trim off--just one-quarter to one-half of an inch. The cosmetologist just trimmed the sides around my ears and the back, shaped it so it wasn't so shaggy, and she also trimmed the top just a bit so it was even. It lays a lot nicer, although I am on an adventure for sure!!!! My hair is curly! (It wasn't curly before!) But, I can see I'm going to have to plan on getting my hair cut regularly---before the trim, I had an Afro. (Is that the real name of a haircut, or is it a politically incorrect racial slur? It sounds like it could be the latter . . . if it is, I apologize profusely. I mean no offense---I just have never heard another name for that type of hairstyle.) Anyhow, it was getting kind of round on top, though it wasn't too long yet. It is a real change---we will see what happens as it gets longer and heavier . . .
I am also working on my bucket list---both making and working on crossing off. I guess I had always assumed I would live to be about 100, give or take. I don't know why. I just never thought I would die young. Now, I have had a wake-up call.
One of the things I learned through this experience is that we all need to make sure we are spending time on the things that matter most. When I leave this life (hopefully later, rather than sooner) the ONLY things I will take with me are the things I have learned, the character I have become---whether positive or negative, and the relationships I have with others. That's it. So I better be really sure that I am spending my time on the things that matter most---yes, we do need to take care of our bodies, work so we have money for the things we need, etc. But it's all a balancing act, and if we want to avoid regrets, we need to make sure the things we are doing are important to someone's welfare (self included)---either mentally, spiritually, physically, etc.
With all that being said, I am realizing I need to begin working on my bucket list NOW, and I need to not assume I will have the opportunity when my kids are raised and gone. However (back to that balancing act) there are things I am NOT willing to do now, because they aren't important to anyone's welfare, and they will take too much time away from my family, which is my very most important role--mother and wife. (This is a soapbox of mine. Lucky for you all, I'm tired, so I won't get on it tonight.) So, I'm working on the little things. Funny, though . . . when I wasn't writing my bucket list down or trying to accomplish anything that was on it, it was a pretty short list in my head. Now, it just keeps getting longer, and longer, and longer . . . Oh, well. I'm working on the little things---and enjoying them!
I can't yet say I'm glad I had cancer. I think it's too soon for that. But I think about who I was a year ago, and I can see some growth in myself. I think I'm a better person, in many ways, because of the experience. I am grateful for that growth and hope I can take the things I have learned and use them to benefit myself, my family, friends, community, etc.
Now, I have to tell a funny story to end this post. About a month ago, my husband realized that he isn't as young as he used to be . . . and realized that retirement age is going to sneak up on us a whole lot faster than we ever imagined (assuming, of course, that we live that long.) So, we decided we should get some retirement accounts started---even if we can only contribute a little, it's better than nothing! We went and met with a financial planner guy. After we set everything up, he asked about our life insurance, and asked if we needed to review it to make sure we had adequate coverage. Turning to my husband, he said, "You seem healthy. You could probably get this [referring to the cheapest plan that only really healthy people can get]."
My husband said, "No, I don't think so, I have a few health problems." He then proceeded to describe them.
Then the planner turned to me, "How much [life insurance] do you have?"
I told him what I have.
"Maybe we should see if we can get a little more on you."
To which I replied, "Ummm. I don't really think they would issue me a policy."
He seemed a little surprised. "Why not?"
"Well, I'm a cancer survivor."
"Oh, really? How long ago?"
"I just finished radiation in November."
(Turning away from the computer screen, in a way that reminded me of someone shutting a book), "Oh, well, I guess it's a good thing you have that policy in place!"
I was not offended---I thought it was hilarious!!!! I had to work on it not to laugh out loud.
Hopefully my family won't be needing that policy! :-)
Friday, February 13, 2015
Friday, Feb. 13, 3015
Hmmmm. Just realized when I typed that, that it's Friday the 13th!
This week something interesting happened . . . to explain it, I really need to go back to mid-December. At that point, I had "evidence" that there was some fluid of some sort collecting in me. (Sorry, that was the least descriptive way I could say it.) Long story shorter, over the course of several days/weeks, I made several calls. I got the impression from my oncologists that they weren't really concerned about it, but that it wasn't "typical" either. I ended up in the surgeon's office in January, even though the "evidence" had abated, where he did an ultrasound. It showed a small pocket of fluid collecting in the surgical site, and he explained that after he did the lumpectomy, it left a large empty space, which is gradually filling up with tissue, but is still not completely healed. Radiation is really hard on tissue (that's why it works to kill cancer) and he thought the fluid was the result of the radiation-damaged tissue beginning to heal. (This made sense to me a few weeks ago when my son fell when he was out running and really skinned up his knee. The injury was weeping a transparent yellowish fluid the first few days as it began to heal.)
At the end of January or first part of Feb, it all started up again. I can't really explain how much it freaks me out to have stuff leaking out of me. I asked my husband and mom (who had been the extra sets of ears at my appointment, since my memory isn't so great) what the Dr. had said, and both of them thought they remembered hearing that it might start again, so I just waited and watched. Well, on Monday, the floodgates opened; that really freaked me out. So I called the surgeon again, and he squeezed me in on Wed.---even though his schedule was full, he didn't want me to wait because he was afraid it would stop before the appointment, which is what happened last time. He repeated the ultrasound, and that same little pocket of fluid was there--he believes it begins to drain when the pressure builds up inside, which is why it starts and stops so randomly. He wanted to drain the pocket--here's the cool part---so, guided by ultrasound, he stuck a needle/syringe through the side of my breast into the pocket of fluid and sucked it out. It was the weirdest thing to watch on ultrasound---that black round spot on the screen just collapsed, at the same time I heard a weird sucking sound. It was morbidly fascinating. He wants me to go back in a month, as he would like to keep an eye on it. I'm getting the idea that this is not "typical", but not necessarily "abnormal" either. I'm grateful he is "taking me seriously" and is following up. It gives me more peace of mind.
The reason I bring this all up is that having things like this happen makes it very difficult to "move on." As much as I am trying to move on, live my life, and enjoy each day, the worry is ever present. It is one of those things that is always in the back of my head, constantly. I am working to find a balance between being vigilant and watchful, but still trying to have faith in the Lord's plan, move on and live my life to the fullest. It is a delicate balancing act. I am sure this will just take time.
Something funny happened the other night. In order for it to make sense(ish), I have to give a little background. I don't remember much of the last year--it's pretty much a blur. So, I called the Dr. to see if my youngest child's immunizations were up to date. They would have been, but alas, his Hepatitis A shot was given a bit too early, making it invalid. Annoying, right? So, I've been thinking "9 days. How big of a deal is that, really?" It has been on my "to-do" list to try to figure out what to do about it. There's the background.
So, the other night, I guess I was dreaming, though I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I woke myself up when I said aloud, "But I don't HAVE Hepatitis!!!"
It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone around Christmas. A few years ago, he had some health problems showing up, but diagnosis was proving to be very tricky. He went to several different doctors, and had tons of tests, etc. He told me that one night, his wife heard him say in his sleep "I promise, I'm not faking it!"
I think these things are so tell-tale about what we are worrying about and experiencing! I see that I have a need for "normalcy", whatever that is. Needless to say, yesterday my little boy got a Hep A shot.
Hmmmm. Just realized when I typed that, that it's Friday the 13th!
This week something interesting happened . . . to explain it, I really need to go back to mid-December. At that point, I had "evidence" that there was some fluid of some sort collecting in me. (Sorry, that was the least descriptive way I could say it.) Long story shorter, over the course of several days/weeks, I made several calls. I got the impression from my oncologists that they weren't really concerned about it, but that it wasn't "typical" either. I ended up in the surgeon's office in January, even though the "evidence" had abated, where he did an ultrasound. It showed a small pocket of fluid collecting in the surgical site, and he explained that after he did the lumpectomy, it left a large empty space, which is gradually filling up with tissue, but is still not completely healed. Radiation is really hard on tissue (that's why it works to kill cancer) and he thought the fluid was the result of the radiation-damaged tissue beginning to heal. (This made sense to me a few weeks ago when my son fell when he was out running and really skinned up his knee. The injury was weeping a transparent yellowish fluid the first few days as it began to heal.)
At the end of January or first part of Feb, it all started up again. I can't really explain how much it freaks me out to have stuff leaking out of me. I asked my husband and mom (who had been the extra sets of ears at my appointment, since my memory isn't so great) what the Dr. had said, and both of them thought they remembered hearing that it might start again, so I just waited and watched. Well, on Monday, the floodgates opened; that really freaked me out. So I called the surgeon again, and he squeezed me in on Wed.---even though his schedule was full, he didn't want me to wait because he was afraid it would stop before the appointment, which is what happened last time. He repeated the ultrasound, and that same little pocket of fluid was there--he believes it begins to drain when the pressure builds up inside, which is why it starts and stops so randomly. He wanted to drain the pocket--here's the cool part---so, guided by ultrasound, he stuck a needle/syringe through the side of my breast into the pocket of fluid and sucked it out. It was the weirdest thing to watch on ultrasound---that black round spot on the screen just collapsed, at the same time I heard a weird sucking sound. It was morbidly fascinating. He wants me to go back in a month, as he would like to keep an eye on it. I'm getting the idea that this is not "typical", but not necessarily "abnormal" either. I'm grateful he is "taking me seriously" and is following up. It gives me more peace of mind.
The reason I bring this all up is that having things like this happen makes it very difficult to "move on." As much as I am trying to move on, live my life, and enjoy each day, the worry is ever present. It is one of those things that is always in the back of my head, constantly. I am working to find a balance between being vigilant and watchful, but still trying to have faith in the Lord's plan, move on and live my life to the fullest. It is a delicate balancing act. I am sure this will just take time.
Something funny happened the other night. In order for it to make sense(ish), I have to give a little background. I don't remember much of the last year--it's pretty much a blur. So, I called the Dr. to see if my youngest child's immunizations were up to date. They would have been, but alas, his Hepatitis A shot was given a bit too early, making it invalid. Annoying, right? So, I've been thinking "9 days. How big of a deal is that, really?" It has been on my "to-do" list to try to figure out what to do about it. There's the background.
So, the other night, I guess I was dreaming, though I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I woke myself up when I said aloud, "But I don't HAVE Hepatitis!!!"
It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone around Christmas. A few years ago, he had some health problems showing up, but diagnosis was proving to be very tricky. He went to several different doctors, and had tons of tests, etc. He told me that one night, his wife heard him say in his sleep "I promise, I'm not faking it!"
I think these things are so tell-tale about what we are worrying about and experiencing! I see that I have a need for "normalcy", whatever that is. Needless to say, yesterday my little boy got a Hep A shot.
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