Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Tuesday, July 29th
The last several weeks have been so crazy, I really haven't had time to do more than jot a few thoughts down, and I'm not sure they have even made much sense, so I'm going to try to do a better job expressing thoughts and feelings about all this stuff.
One thing I really did not anticipate going into this whole adventure is how much of a mental game it would be. In order for me to keep myself emotionally afloat, and keep my family afloat as well, it is critical that I take care of myself mentally. That requires preparation before having chemo. My last chemo (#4) was last week. I think I should have gotten about a 'D' for preparation. I did great as far as physical preparation (making casseroles, doing laundry, making sure all the bills are paid, etc.) is concerned--that's the easy part. Mental preparation is much tougher, and I'm finding that chemo is taking a toll on all of us mentally. I tried to prepare for it, but the demands of parenting and the drain of children quarreling took their toll. I was NOT ready. The good part is that my family had a "half-way through chemo" party for me, and my visiting teacher took me out for a milkshake to celebrate. Those two things are the ONLY things that got me through.
Right now, I can't even express how much I just want all this to be over with. It's hard to not get discouraged. My husband and older kids are run ragged with work. Their jobs keep them hopping, and when they're home, they are helping here---just doing what they have to do. I'm so sick of chemo, and everything that goes with it. I'm tired of feeling like throwing up (even though the nausea medications have kept vomiting at bay), I'm tired of tiredness/weakness. I'm tired of the (ahem) digestive issues that come along with chemo. I'm tired of the brain fog. I'm tired of food tasting weird. I'm tired of sleeping all day, but I'm too tired not to sleep all day. I'm tired of needing help, and sitting around watching other people do all the work while I lounge around feeling crappy. I have "restless legs." I want to get up and go for a brisk walk, but I can't get any further than the couch before I run out of steam. Lest any of you should be too alarmed, I've felt this way at this point in each cycle. This is where mental toughness comes in. I just have to remember to be patient and give myself a few more days. I also have to remember that my attitude will be the one that my family follows, so I have to try to gather the shreds of my brain back together and be positive for them. And I have to make a conscious effort NOT to think about future chemo cycles. Instead, I'm thinking of the things I'm going to do once I feel a little better . . . and then trying to remember to be patient until that day comes. :-)
One thing I haven't previously mentioned . . . One day before my last chemo, there was a knock on the door. It was the guy I went to school with, whose son had cancer and went through two years of chemo. He had come over to bring some money to us. Apparently, in addition to a float in the parade, they sold tee shirts and had a dunking booth at the park on July 4th. They split all the money they earned between me and another family. Again, I am so touched by their kindness and generosity, and the generosity of all the people who made donations. I need to write a thank you letter to the newspaper, because the community has been so kind and generous, but with this brain fog I have going, the whole idea intimidates me. I guess maybe I'll have to wait a few more days, and hopefully when I don't feel quite so crummy, the fog will lift a little???
Even as much as this is all taking a toll on all of us, I can also look at our family, and see that it's helping us grow, too. I know we will be much stronger when it's all over because of the struggle. Also, even as hard as it is, I know that others deal with things that are so much worse.
So, for today and tomorrow, and every day until I feel good enough to get a little further than the couch, I'm planning to make lemonade out of the lemons. I'm going to sit and play games and read and do art projects, etc. with my kids. It will be good for all of us. And then, look out everybody, I'm going to be playing hard (somehow) so I'm ready when it's time for #5.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Wed. July 16th
I'm still thinking about giving back/paying it forward. I haven't come up with any great ideas yet, but I'm still thinking.
I just sat down to pay bills and balance my checkbook. I opened my bank statement, and there was $100 deposit I didn't have in my records. I looked it up to make sure, and called the bank. It was someone else that was thinking of us and deposited some money. I asked if they could find out who it was (and not tell me) and mail a thank you note, and they looked it up and assured me they can. So, next time I go in, I'll take a thank you note for them to send.
I guess I had just kind of assumed that once the "shock" of my diagnosis wore off, so would the support. It hasn't. People have been so kind, and so good. Again, I find myself wondering how to pass it on.
A few days ago, I got a package in the mail, from my sister-in-law that lives in Colorado. It was full of "blue" things . . . with a note that said "thought you might be feeling 'blue.'" How creative, and how sweet. I hope everyone knows how much I appreciate their kindness. Truly, from the bottom of my heart.
I also had a chance to chat with one of the Compassionate Service Leaders in my ward last night. She, again, offered to help me in any way I need. As we were talking, the opposite topics of self-reliance and entitlement came to my mind---I've been thinking a lot about those, too. (For what it's worth, I think it's so important to do everything in your power to take care of the needs of yourself and your family, and THEN, after you have done what you can (and when you have a real need--not a greed), know when to call for help. Self-reliance means doing all you can; it also means not being too prideful to ask for help. To swing to either extreme isn't good . . . balance is required in this, as in all things.) I reassured her that I really will call if there's a need, and I will! So far, though, I have tried my best to prepare in the weeks I've felt good by putting meals in the freezer, making kid arrangements, etc. After chemo in the week when I'm "down," my family, neighbors, etc. have taken such good care of me, I haven't felt I needed to ask my ward for more.
I've had people come up to me and say (apologetically) "I really haven't done anything for you except pray." My response to that is "Prayers are what I need the very most! Thank you, and please keep praying!"
Truly, no act of service has been too small. Again, I have been blown away by the kindnesses people have extended, both small and large. And, again, I find myself wondering "How do I ever even begin??"
I'm still thinking about giving back/paying it forward. I haven't come up with any great ideas yet, but I'm still thinking.
I just sat down to pay bills and balance my checkbook. I opened my bank statement, and there was $100 deposit I didn't have in my records. I looked it up to make sure, and called the bank. It was someone else that was thinking of us and deposited some money. I asked if they could find out who it was (and not tell me) and mail a thank you note, and they looked it up and assured me they can. So, next time I go in, I'll take a thank you note for them to send.
I guess I had just kind of assumed that once the "shock" of my diagnosis wore off, so would the support. It hasn't. People have been so kind, and so good. Again, I find myself wondering how to pass it on.
A few days ago, I got a package in the mail, from my sister-in-law that lives in Colorado. It was full of "blue" things . . . with a note that said "thought you might be feeling 'blue.'" How creative, and how sweet. I hope everyone knows how much I appreciate their kindness. Truly, from the bottom of my heart.
I also had a chance to chat with one of the Compassionate Service Leaders in my ward last night. She, again, offered to help me in any way I need. As we were talking, the opposite topics of self-reliance and entitlement came to my mind---I've been thinking a lot about those, too. (For what it's worth, I think it's so important to do everything in your power to take care of the needs of yourself and your family, and THEN, after you have done what you can (and when you have a real need--not a greed), know when to call for help. Self-reliance means doing all you can; it also means not being too prideful to ask for help. To swing to either extreme isn't good . . . balance is required in this, as in all things.) I reassured her that I really will call if there's a need, and I will! So far, though, I have tried my best to prepare in the weeks I've felt good by putting meals in the freezer, making kid arrangements, etc. After chemo in the week when I'm "down," my family, neighbors, etc. have taken such good care of me, I haven't felt I needed to ask my ward for more.
I've had people come up to me and say (apologetically) "I really haven't done anything for you except pray." My response to that is "Prayers are what I need the very most! Thank you, and please keep praying!"
Truly, no act of service has been too small. Again, I have been blown away by the kindnesses people have extended, both small and large. And, again, I find myself wondering "How do I ever even begin??"
Thursday, July 10, 2014
I'm done with the 3rd! Halfway done with chemo! This one wasn't too bad, either physically or emotionally. It wasn't fun . . . never is, but it was probably the easiest so far. I have been warned, and I expect, that there will be one coming up that knocks me flat, so I need to keep my head wrapped around that so that I'm prepared.
I have been thinking about the topic of "giving back" a lot lately. Or "paying it forward," however you want to say it.
On my 2nd cycle, I was having my chemo, and these girls came in with these big boxes. They started pulling vase after vase of flowers out and putting them on the counter. One of them brought one to me, with a note. It was from a cancer survivor in St. Anthony, who occasionally just sends flowers in for those of us fighting the battle. I thought it was a beautiful thing to do. I need to get online and see if I can find a website to thank her.
I also met a lady named Cindy while I was having chemo. She is a kick in the pants! She is battling cancer, too, and had chemo the same day. She's got this super funny sense of humor, and she just tells it like she sees it. I ran into her this last time, too, the day after my treatment when I went in for a shot. We chatted for a minute, and she told me she hoped I kicked this cancer's [butt] because "one of us has to, and it's having a 'party'" in her. She didn't whine or complain, she didn't have a little pity party, no hint of victimization, just a matter of fact statement. I REALLY wish her cancer would quit partying . . . I want her to kick its' butt, too. I was so touched that even in her circumstances, she was thinking of me and pulling for me. What an amazing person!
I mentioned in a previous post that a lady in our community that had breast cancer 7 years ago caught up with me at a church meeting. She stays in touch via text. Her support and encouragement mean so much to me.
During this last treatment, a cute, young woman popped in to talk to the nurses. Her husband and kids were with her. One of the nurses, pointing at her, said "Here's a survivor!" I asked her to come back and talk to me, and she took a few minutes to do so. I can't tell you how much I appreciated talking to her. She told me her story, and it was so nice to see her! She's young (she was 36 at the time), healthy, active, vibrant, beautiful. It's always nice to see people that have gone through this, and to see with my own eyes that there can be life--great life--afterward!
I was talking to my nurse this last time. His dad has terminal cancer. Right now he is in Seattle, doing experimental treatments. He's not doing it for himself . . . he's doing it as a way of giving back.
I was sleeping during the 4th of July Parade, but my family went. As soon as they came home, several of my family members came in my room to tell me all about it. There's a family here that owns their own business. Their son had cancer a few years ago, and he went through 2 years of chemo. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to watch your child go through that! Not long after I was diagnosed, I ran into them at a school event. They talked to me for a long time, and it was so helpful for me.
They always have a float in the 4th of July Parade. Well, this year, on their float, they had pink ribbons on the trees. They were giving out tee shirts that said "Tough Guys and Gals are Bald" with a pink ribbon on the front. When they saw my family, they looked for and found a shirt that would fit me and gave it to my family to bring home to me. I really wish I could have seen it, but even hearing about it makes me cry. My entire family, and myself, were so touched--my mom, sisters, and even some of my kids cried when they told me about it. What a support they are to me, as well as everyone else that is battling cancer! I've written a thank-you note to send them, but it seems so inadequate, I'm going to tear it up and try again. How do you find words to express gratitude that deep?
My sister came up and took almost a week out of her life to take care of us. She ran her behind off trying to keep up with the demands of our combined families. My brother and sister both came up for the 2nd cycle. Neighbors have sent food . . . in fact, my neighbor sent over a meal the other day, and then sent me an apology text because she didn't feel she had sent a nice enough one. I don't want her to apologize! I want her to know how much I truly appreciate her taking the time, spending the money, etc. to send food to us when she has a life of her own going on.
I also think about two women in our community that have lost their battles with cancer in the last month or so. They were amazing women in their own right; women that each made a mark on our community in her own way. I will always remember and appreciate them for the things they taught me and my family.
I've just been thinking about how much people have done for me and how grateful I am. I've mentioned only a few . . . there are so many more people that have helped us in their own ways. It isn't possible for me to mention them all, but no matter how "small" their service was, it is so very appreciated. I want to thank them, and tell them how much their love and support mean to me. I want to "pay it forward" or "give back" or something, but I find myself at a total loss. I want to do something to show people how much I appreciate their love and support. I want to think of something I can do when this is all over to pass it on to someone else. But, on both counts, I find myself at a total loss. How do I even begin?
I have been thinking about the topic of "giving back" a lot lately. Or "paying it forward," however you want to say it.
On my 2nd cycle, I was having my chemo, and these girls came in with these big boxes. They started pulling vase after vase of flowers out and putting them on the counter. One of them brought one to me, with a note. It was from a cancer survivor in St. Anthony, who occasionally just sends flowers in for those of us fighting the battle. I thought it was a beautiful thing to do. I need to get online and see if I can find a website to thank her.
I also met a lady named Cindy while I was having chemo. She is a kick in the pants! She is battling cancer, too, and had chemo the same day. She's got this super funny sense of humor, and she just tells it like she sees it. I ran into her this last time, too, the day after my treatment when I went in for a shot. We chatted for a minute, and she told me she hoped I kicked this cancer's [butt] because "one of us has to, and it's having a 'party'" in her. She didn't whine or complain, she didn't have a little pity party, no hint of victimization, just a matter of fact statement. I REALLY wish her cancer would quit partying . . . I want her to kick its' butt, too. I was so touched that even in her circumstances, she was thinking of me and pulling for me. What an amazing person!
I mentioned in a previous post that a lady in our community that had breast cancer 7 years ago caught up with me at a church meeting. She stays in touch via text. Her support and encouragement mean so much to me.
During this last treatment, a cute, young woman popped in to talk to the nurses. Her husband and kids were with her. One of the nurses, pointing at her, said "Here's a survivor!" I asked her to come back and talk to me, and she took a few minutes to do so. I can't tell you how much I appreciated talking to her. She told me her story, and it was so nice to see her! She's young (she was 36 at the time), healthy, active, vibrant, beautiful. It's always nice to see people that have gone through this, and to see with my own eyes that there can be life--great life--afterward!
I was talking to my nurse this last time. His dad has terminal cancer. Right now he is in Seattle, doing experimental treatments. He's not doing it for himself . . . he's doing it as a way of giving back.
I was sleeping during the 4th of July Parade, but my family went. As soon as they came home, several of my family members came in my room to tell me all about it. There's a family here that owns their own business. Their son had cancer a few years ago, and he went through 2 years of chemo. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to watch your child go through that! Not long after I was diagnosed, I ran into them at a school event. They talked to me for a long time, and it was so helpful for me.
They always have a float in the 4th of July Parade. Well, this year, on their float, they had pink ribbons on the trees. They were giving out tee shirts that said "Tough Guys and Gals are Bald" with a pink ribbon on the front. When they saw my family, they looked for and found a shirt that would fit me and gave it to my family to bring home to me. I really wish I could have seen it, but even hearing about it makes me cry. My entire family, and myself, were so touched--my mom, sisters, and even some of my kids cried when they told me about it. What a support they are to me, as well as everyone else that is battling cancer! I've written a thank-you note to send them, but it seems so inadequate, I'm going to tear it up and try again. How do you find words to express gratitude that deep?
My sister came up and took almost a week out of her life to take care of us. She ran her behind off trying to keep up with the demands of our combined families. My brother and sister both came up for the 2nd cycle. Neighbors have sent food . . . in fact, my neighbor sent over a meal the other day, and then sent me an apology text because she didn't feel she had sent a nice enough one. I don't want her to apologize! I want her to know how much I truly appreciate her taking the time, spending the money, etc. to send food to us when she has a life of her own going on.
I also think about two women in our community that have lost their battles with cancer in the last month or so. They were amazing women in their own right; women that each made a mark on our community in her own way. I will always remember and appreciate them for the things they taught me and my family.
I've just been thinking about how much people have done for me and how grateful I am. I've mentioned only a few . . . there are so many more people that have helped us in their own ways. It isn't possible for me to mention them all, but no matter how "small" their service was, it is so very appreciated. I want to thank them, and tell them how much their love and support mean to me. I want to "pay it forward" or "give back" or something, but I find myself at a total loss. I want to do something to show people how much I appreciate their love and support. I want to think of something I can do when this is all over to pass it on to someone else. But, on both counts, I find myself at a total loss. How do I even begin?
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Tues. July 1, 2014
Well, tomorrow is my 3rd cycle. I've ENJOYED (I can't even tell you how much I've enjoyed) these last two weeks. We haven't done anything remarkable as a family . . . it's summer (my husband's busiest season of the year) and my oldest two kids are working this summer, so going anywhere is enough extra stress that it is questionable if it's even worth it! But, I've had a lot of family in town and we have spent some time together. Today we went to the park with a picnic lunch, and took the kids my daughter is babysitting with us, and met my sister and her kids there. We really did have a good time! It's sunny, and the weather is perfect . . . not too hot, not too cool. Beautiful weather, beautiful place. What more could I ask for?
I have tried hard to prepare mentally and emotionally for another treatment, and I've found that I really don't know how to prepare. Thus, I find myself hoping I'm prepared, but not knowing for sure. My sister had a "surprise" that she told me . . . (I'm so glad she did!) She said she was thinking about having a party for me after this next treatment to celebrate being 1/2 way through my chemo. I don't know if it will all come together or not (if my family reads this, no pressure, really) but either way, it has given me something positive to look forward to.
One of the things I've learned this time around is how to enjoy the little moments . . . to enjoy the journey. By nature, I'm wound pretty tight, and have spent a lot of time in my life being really stressed out about things that really don't matter in the long run. But at the time, even if I knew that it didn't matter, I still stressed about them; I just couldn't figure out how to "let go." Learning to enjoy the journey has been a long, slow process, and it's not complete yet. But this has sure pushed me in that direction. And it's a great change!
Another thing that I am hoping is a life-long change: I found out yesterday late afternoon that one of the ladies I visit teach is having a busy medical week. Before, I probably would have thought "Well, I would sure love to help, but I won't be able to do it. Hope it goes ok." But, this time, having had a visual example of others who have served me so faithfully (especially my faithful, WONDERFUL visiting teachers) I thought, "OK, I have chemo on Wed. Is there a way I can help her?" And I kept thinking until I found a way to get dinner to her. I am hoping this will change me, forever, and make me better at serving others.
(And I hope no one in my Stake or Ward in leadership positions ever reads this, 'cause I'm happy with the callings I have, and I'm not looking for anything else, thank you very much. Just don't want to give them any bright ideas!)
Well, tomorrow is my 3rd cycle. I've ENJOYED (I can't even tell you how much I've enjoyed) these last two weeks. We haven't done anything remarkable as a family . . . it's summer (my husband's busiest season of the year) and my oldest two kids are working this summer, so going anywhere is enough extra stress that it is questionable if it's even worth it! But, I've had a lot of family in town and we have spent some time together. Today we went to the park with a picnic lunch, and took the kids my daughter is babysitting with us, and met my sister and her kids there. We really did have a good time! It's sunny, and the weather is perfect . . . not too hot, not too cool. Beautiful weather, beautiful place. What more could I ask for?
I have tried hard to prepare mentally and emotionally for another treatment, and I've found that I really don't know how to prepare. Thus, I find myself hoping I'm prepared, but not knowing for sure. My sister had a "surprise" that she told me . . . (I'm so glad she did!) She said she was thinking about having a party for me after this next treatment to celebrate being 1/2 way through my chemo. I don't know if it will all come together or not (if my family reads this, no pressure, really) but either way, it has given me something positive to look forward to.
One of the things I've learned this time around is how to enjoy the little moments . . . to enjoy the journey. By nature, I'm wound pretty tight, and have spent a lot of time in my life being really stressed out about things that really don't matter in the long run. But at the time, even if I knew that it didn't matter, I still stressed about them; I just couldn't figure out how to "let go." Learning to enjoy the journey has been a long, slow process, and it's not complete yet. But this has sure pushed me in that direction. And it's a great change!
Another thing that I am hoping is a life-long change: I found out yesterday late afternoon that one of the ladies I visit teach is having a busy medical week. Before, I probably would have thought "Well, I would sure love to help, but I won't be able to do it. Hope it goes ok." But, this time, having had a visual example of others who have served me so faithfully (especially my faithful, WONDERFUL visiting teachers) I thought, "OK, I have chemo on Wed. Is there a way I can help her?" And I kept thinking until I found a way to get dinner to her. I am hoping this will change me, forever, and make me better at serving others.
(And I hope no one in my Stake or Ward in leadership positions ever reads this, 'cause I'm happy with the callings I have, and I'm not looking for anything else, thank you very much. Just don't want to give them any bright ideas!)
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